Thursday, December 30, 2010

2011 Resolutions

Friday is the last day of 2010, so I should probably get a few New Year's Resolutions ready for 2011. Some are holdovers from last year that I managed to keep, but want to keep improving. Some are resolutions from the past that I remember making, but don't remember doing a thing about them, and then I have a few new ones. My New Year Resolutions include:

  1. Improving my appearance as Kelli. Autogynephilia lures me into a false state of being. For most of the time, I am perfectly happy to mentally be Kelli and physically appear as my male side, Kelly. Yet, take tonight as an example of the not normal. Tonight I want very much to dress the part of Kelli and go out, but first I'd better attack my legs. They haven't enjoyed a nice hair removal in several months. Bring on the gasoline-powered Weed Eater!
  2. Improve my knowledge and dexterity of makeup. The best way to learn about makeup is do some reading (fashion magazines, etc.) and then practice, practice, practice. That was the advice my last girlfriend gave me. She had a part-time business of selling makeup door to door and helped me out with a few freebies and coaching. Remembering those good times makes me almost forget why we broke up.
  3. Lose weight!!! Curse this boring desk job that I have. Wait, let me re-phrase that. I like my job, but I sit at a desk for eight hours a day. I am now convinced that I only have to read an ad for a restaurant in a newspaper to instantly gain two pounds. I've been researching things I can do at my desk or in the office that will help burn off a few calories, but I will probably rely very heavily on diet, which brings me to my next resolution.
  4. Improve my diet and cooking skills. I do fine cooking basic things, but have never tried anything that involved lots of ingredients or procedures. I love fresh veggies and would probably eat more if I were more experienced in cooking them many different ways. Eating more veggies along with not reading restaurant ads (see #3 above) I know will help me loose weight.
  5. Exercise. 'Nuff said. Who doesn't include this one in their resolutions.
  6. Improve this blog. I had some specific purposes and goals when I started this blog, and some of them got pushed to the side as I got distracted by various happenings in life. I hope to revisit some of these goals, better connect with my readers, and have a blog that people enjoy.
I thank each and every person who has read my blog. I appreciate each and every one and I'm working to improve my writing. As of this evening, I have 22 people signed on as regular visitors, and I am deeply honored by each and every one. I did research before starting my blog earlier this year and was fully prepared to not have any readers for a long time. Thanks.

Have a Happy New Year everyone!!!

Okay, I found the Weed Eater, now where's the hedge trimmer for the bush?


Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!!!

I truly hope each and every one has a very merry Christmas and a joyous New Year. Here at Kelli's compound we are counting down the hours and minutes to Santa's arrival and looking forward to all the wonderful gifts he has for the good girls and boys.

Christmas is first and foremost a religious observance in my house. It is a time to celebrate the birth of our Saviour. There are not enough hours in the day for all the Christmas carols to be sung, all the special church services to be attended, all the friends and family to be visited, and all the prayers of praise and thanks to be offered. Still, somehow, we manage a little time to visit with jolly old Saint Nick, and I would truly miss him if he didn't stop in.

Lots of folks these days have decided that Santa Claus is operating in direct opposition to Christmas and the reasons we celebrate this holy day. Whether or not others like or dislike Santa Claus makes no difference to me. I would like to point out that the earliest stories and legends of Saint Nick portray him as a man of God, a poor man who decided to celebrate Christmas by giving gifts to local boys and girls. This man seems to have been purely motivated by love, his only thanks in the smiles and happiness of the children.

In my book, that would make Santa Clause an example of Christ. God gave His most precious jewel, His Son, to us because of His love for us, and all we can do is accept this gift (though some reject it) with joy and thanks.

One of my favorite Christmas decorations of all time is a nativity scene with Joseph, Mary, the baby in the manger, and kneeling by the manger with his head bowed is a jolly old man with a white beard dressed in a red suit. It's all about balance and priorities -- Christ first.

So tonight I'll put on my favorite nightie, jump into bed and get those sugarplums dancing in my head. Santa will pay his yearly visit and leave me something pretty to open on Christmas morning. Sunday morning I'll be in church, again celebrating the reason for the season.

Merry Christmas!!!


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Mr. Sandman

Someone said I had the words to this song all wrong.

Mr. Sandman. Make me a dream.
Make my complexion likes peaches and cream.
Make my two lips a red rosy color.
Make me a soft and sexy female all over!
Sandman... I'm all alone.
Ain't got nobody to call my own
So please put on your magic beams.
Mr. Sandman make me a dream!

Kelli Y

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

On A Scale of Feminine to Feminine

Many, many moons ago, a very wise man (my therapist) suggested I keep a personal journal. I found the idea a bit silly and asked if he meant the sort of journal where I would write things like "Dear Diary, today the little red-haired girl smiled at me from across the room"? He said that was exactly the sort of journal he was referring to, that it would help me work through my thoughts and feelings, and would prove very beneficial. Although it was many, many years ago (practically the dark ages), I remember it like it was almost yesterday. I wanted to be cured of my transvestism (used more like a blanket term back in those days), blood letting and leeches did no good, and if my neighbors ever discovered my horrible secret, they would chase me out of town with torches and pitchforks.

So I started writing a journal and have continued doing so to this very day. I have found it therapeutic, extremely helpful, entertaining, and enlightening. From time to time, I review entries in this journal. For example, in December I will often glance at entries dated December from years past. Sometimes I make strange discoveries, like finding I feel completely different today than I did about some event ten years ago. Sometimes I come across really important items that I had lost track of or forgotten. It's even helped with personal relationships with family and friends over the years as my life sometimes plays like a soap opera.

I'll write about important things, work, family and friends, church, mundane things like where I live or visit on a daily basis. My journal also contains records of my actual dreams, my "crossdreaming", crossdressing, etc. It's been fun, educational, and very helpful to me and I always encourage others to try it.

So I was recently reviewing an old journal entry from about a year ago when I also came across an entry in Jack Molay's awesome blog about masculinity and femininity. My ex-girlfriend always accused me, Kelli, of being hyper-feminine and very girly-girly. I was shocked when she told me because although I like all things feminine, I had always tried to be just the "girl next-door" type. I've known crossdressers who were into little girl-type clothes, extremely frilly and lacy-type clothes, square-dance clothes with lots of petticoats, etc. I just wanted to look pretty in jeans and a shirt, and wanted to do so with as little effort and work as possible (latter part of that statement is still very much a work in progress). It took me a long time -- probably because I was born male -- to realize that there is a very broad area of play on my scale of feminine to feminine.

I think if and when I attain a level of satisfaction in presenting myself as Kelli, no one will notice. I want to look just like any other woman you see in the mall, at the grocery store, working in an office, etc. In my current attempts to reach this level, it is fairly easy to see that I am actually a guy although I have passed on several ocassions. Still, I dress and do my best to act like a normal woman. That is the area on the feminine to feminine scale that I try to cover.

My ex-girlfriend was a wonderful person, sweet, funny, and pretty. I found her to be all the woman a guy could ever want. I would consider her to be a normal woman, fitting perfectly centered in the feminine to feminine scale. However, she was at least a couple of inches taller than me, several pounds heavier than me, and to her surprise, stronger than me. Had we gotten married, she would have carried me over the threshold. I never thought of myself as looking weak or a "sissy", but looking back at the two of us standing side by side, she was definitely the masculine one in the relationship.

I always felt bad about that because I realized I was the one that was throwing the whole feminine to feminine scale off balance. While I denied acting hyper-feminine, I have to confess to acting feminine. My girlfriend by herself was feminine. My girlfriend next to me was masculine (or less feminine than normal). Me by myself was fairly masculine. Me by my girlfriend was less than masculine (or more feminine, which I could take as a compliment).

It's all somewhat illogical and confusing. It was also not fair to my ex because as I said, she was a wonderful, beautiful woman.

Masculinity and femininity are obviously sliding scales. That point was finally driven home to me in a dream one night. In the dream, I had to travel to a foreign country to meet a king. Before meeting the king, I met with people from his court who advised me on protocol. My basic manners were good enough, but my mode of dress was all wrong. My Sunday suit and tie just wouldn't do, so one of the staff gave me a royal gown suitable for my presentation to the king. I was pushed behind a dressing screen and told to put it on. When I started to put it on, I noticed what it looked like and started to complain. It looked like a white, one-piece nylon dress with a skirt that came to about the knees.

The staff told me there was no mistake and to hurry. I said there was a mistake as the dress had a skirt. The head servant said in that country it was their version of the kilt, and not to worry as that was not the entire suit of clothes. I put on the garment, matching tights, clunky shoes that had very high heels for male shoes, and left the dressing screen.

The staff were unanimous in their approval and proceeded to finish dressing me. I was given a white, powdered wig and a makeup artist came and lightened my facial skin with powder and makeup. A wide, black belt cinched me in at the waist, jeweled adornments were pinned to my chest, and a black bolero jacket finished things off. I asked to see a mirror just as another person who was about to be presented to the king entered the room. He was huge, well over six feet tall, with a bodybuilder physique that I thought was going to tear through the royal clothes he was wearing. His outfit seemed to be identical to mine, but the staff did not have a mirror at hand and I was unable to see myself.

We were both presented to the king, and afterwards escorted to a waiting chamber next to the throne room in case the king had further need of us. I and this huge bodybuilder guy sat in a couple of chairs with a dainty little tea table between us and quietly made small talk. A few other folks were in the room and I began to notice them and how they were similarly dressed. I noticed a young man and woman sitting across the room from us and started to smile at them when I realized something horrible -- the young woman and man across the room were actually our reflections in a large mirror. This guy was so big and beefy and I was so... uh... me... uh... not big and beefy, that from a distance we looked like a man and woman.

I awoke from the dream and wrote it down in my journal as it was definitely one of the stranger dreams I have ever experienced. Still, I think I learned something important from it: If I'm ever going to completely be Kelli, it would really help if I lived someplace that was predominantly populated by big beefy bodybuilding guys. I think future girlfriends and/or wife might appreciate that too.

Kelli Y

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Yikes! I Apologize.

I was accidentally very rude to a reader. I just became aware of my actions tonight and wanted to immediately apologize. A reader of this blog in November posted a comment to an entry I had written on voting and politics. Comments to my blog are moderated, but somehow her comment notice was lost in the system (either Google or my poor old Acer desktop) and I didn't find it until this evening. I am very red-faced over the incident and apologize. Tomorrow I am packing away my blonde wig so that maybe some of the ditzi-ness in my life will subside.

Emily's Virtual Rocket is the name of the blog and features transgender and transexual news articles. This kind of stuff is important. My writing may be often light-hearted, but every day I read news digests covering TG and TS issues, finding both the good and the bad. Knowledge is power and can help you in dealing with the important issues of your life, and I haven't met a TG, TS, or CD yet that could say their activities didn't have much effect on any part of their life.


Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It's The Great Turkey, Kelli Roberts!

[Ed. note: My apologies for any semblance -- living, dead, or imaginary -- to the Great Pumpkin.]

Sorry for not writing lately. I'll do a little ketchup writing in this blog entry.

So far as I know, none of the people elected to represent me at the local, state, and national level in November's election is CD, TG, or AG. Given the circumstances of being CD, TG, or AG, I probably wouldn't know that fact about them anyway. However, I am confident life as we know it will continue unabated. Michelle Obama has excellent fashion sense, so there is some good news out of Washington.

Found a new source for girl watching -- Spanish language network television. Good heavens! I was channel-surfing when I came across a young woman speaking Spanish. I had to stop and watch for a second as she was drop-dead gorgeous. Beautiful face with flawless makeup, attractive hairstyle, a dress that looked like it was handmade to fit her curves exactly, a sexy hint of cleavage, and that was just the anchor on the late network news! The novellas look intriguing. I still need to take a foreign language in college. Hmm... which one should I choose? And why don't my local late news English anchors dress like that?

Experienced an odd "catch 22" moment recently. I've met several ftm transvestites and transexuals over the years, both in person and now on-line. One of the on-line acquaintances is a co-member of a newsgroup forum and has posted pictures of the transition from female to male. The latest batch of pictures show a chest that has healed from all surgeries to masculinize it, toned abs, and muscular arms. I found myself admiring the pictures and thinking she was going to make a very good-looking man. I also found myself noting that I never looked that masculine at any point in my life, and yet I was born male. I am both proud and annoyed by that fact. Paging Dr. Freud!

And finally, belated Thanksgiving greetings and wishes. This has been a really good year for me. I know the Good Lord wants to bless His children, but it is a fault in human nature that we don't recognize all the blessings we receive. I'm poor, and it is easy for me to note that this year has been a very good financial year for me. It takes a bit more concentration and thought to realize that I was also the recipient of some much needed rainfall this year, major storms that can blow through my neck of the woods were kept to a minimal number, I've still got a nice warm roof over my head, and I always had enough food and some to share this year. Mosaic Law stated that the people were to hold feasts, to celebrate, and to give thanks at various times of the year for all the blessings God had given them. A religion that's got a little celebrating in it sounds like a really good thing.

After the tryptophan wore off, I got busy cleaning the dishes and munching on the leftovers. Now for Christmas....

Kelli Y

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


This is not in any way or form a political blog. I try to keep it an entertaining, practical, and highly moral blog. You will not find me writing that you should vote for "so and so". You will not find me endorsing a particular political party. In fact, you will not even find me saying a particular form of government is superior or inferior to another (although I am very happy with the form of government we have here in the good ol' U.S.A.). Having said that, I urge all eligible citizens to get out there and vote! It's your right. It's your duty. And it's a blessing.

If your favorite candidate(s) win, then congratulations. If they don't win, don't worry, there will be dozens of talking heads on television telling you why they lost. Better luck next time.

Speaking strictly from a personal point of view, a person of good moral character is the most important thing I look for. For example, these days I don't know if it makes that much difference if we elect someone who is going to raise taxes or lower taxes, but I do know I want someone in office who will do their best to look for the best course of action for the country as a whole. I want someone who will take this job seriously.

I want someone who looks forward to working for the people who elected him/her. Our representatives are "hired workers"! They are not divinely appointed rulers who automatically achieve the status of being placed on a high pedestal. If they want to achieve that status, then they had better work and work hard. The mark of whether a politician was truly a great and noble statesman generally isn't confirmed until after they are gone. The self praise many politicians heap on themselves is shallow, hypocritical, and done only to pad their wallets with money.

Wouldn't it be nice to find a politician who was honest and open instead of trying to be who and what he thought his constituents wanted? Having done extensive searches into the speeches and politicking of various candidates, it is amazing how many will actively try to court people of opposing viewpoints. It's one thing to tell two opposing groups of people you will do your best to represent both of them. It's another thing to play those two groups against one another -- telling each side they are in your favor and you will represent them exclusively.

Honesty and integrity segues me into a topic that is generally mentioned in the tabloids, and that is the various stories that a transgendered person is running for public office. I've never lived in an area where such a person was running for office. It wouldn't make any difference to me anyway, because the same standards I look for in candidates (mentioned in the previous paragraphs) are the same standards I would look for in a transgendered candidate -- honesty and integrity.

And since I'm on the subject of transgendered candidates, I think the U.S. is ready for TG candidates in prominent offices if they are people of honesty and integrity. How honest and open can you be in revealing you are a crossdresser or transexual when most of us try to keep that on the hush hush. You then look at this person's personal and public record to see if he or she is a person of integrity.

A person in such a visible office could do much. We could see something of a crossdressing fad in fashion. That could help energize our lackluster economy as more people expand their wardrobes by buying new items. Whether you are male-female or female-male, your wardrobe could easily double. Advertisers could see their business double as manufacturers of women's clothing begin targeting men and vice versa. Crossdressers, transexuals, autogynephiliacs, transvestites, transgendered, all such labeled people you could think of, would be so happy and contented expressing their trues selves while others who were not transgendered would see for the first time this large contingent of the American population that was open and happy and contented and seeking to improve their lives and their neighbor's lives by living honestly and with integrity. Happy citizens are better and more productive citizens.

Male politicians arriving for big fundraisers or formal balls would have a choice of wearing a boring old tuxedo or a designer gown (yummy). If a politician displayed bad fashion sense, that might be something to consider in the next elections. Fashion editors could endlessly speculate on whose fashion sense was on public display -- the politician's, or his wife's. Vogue for Him and Modern Bridegroom would hit the newsstands. More publishing requires more writers, staff, and publishing facilities leading to more economic revival.

I think I'm onto something here. In a few hours I will be casting my ballot, and I'm planning on voting for politicians of high moral values and integrity, possibly transgendered, not afraid to wear a dress in public, able to stimulate the economy with good fashion sense....

On second thought, after reviewing the candidates, maybe I'll just sit on the sofa and read a good book.

Kelli Y

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My Pen Ran Out of Ink

Uh, yeah.... Sorry for the lack of entries lately, but that's my story and I'm sticking with it!

Good heavens, I have been so busy lately. My days have run from eight in the morning to past midnight, and I feel like I have constantly been running like a madwoman. My favourite heels are about an inch shorter due to all the wear and tear. Of course, that still leaves about four inches of heel left.... Okay, I'm joking about the heels I wear. If my mother ever caught me in heels that high she would kill me. Afterwards, she would probably later dis-member my body and quietly dispose of the evidence if I was also wearing a dress, but that is another story. I always wear sensible heels and have even been known to wear flats, which, in my opinion, definitely separates me (autogynephiliac) from crossdressers.

I wanted to make a quick post about Halloween, which I am very excited about as I actually have plans for a night out this year. I've been living the life of a hermit the past few years (an attractive female hermit, but still a hermit), and haven't done anything on Halloween. This is the unofficial crossdresser's national holiday! If I can't dress on this day, then there is something wrong with the good old U.S. of A.

Now don't forget, in the profile to the side, I state that I am a conservative Christian, and that stands 24/7. I'll be out with friends enjoying a moderately quiet evening. I haven't worked out all the details of what I will be wearing, but there will be nothing exposed that shouldn't be, and no garb that others might find offensive. My ultimate dream is to go as Elvira, but will be unable to pull that off this year.

I've known many crossdressers who have told me that one of their biggest thrills in their younger days was dressing as a girl for Halloween and going trick or treating with parents and siblings. I've had strong fantasies, dreams, and desires of being a woman ever since I was young, say 5 or 6 years old. But I never dressed as a girl for Halloween when I was a kid. I'm not sure why that was. Frankly, I don't think I even considered the idea. I seemed content to daydream of being a girl, play in my mother's old clothes when no one was looking, but never to ask to dress like a girl on the one day of the year when most folks would have thought nothing about it. Currently I wonder if this might be due more to autogynephilia than to classic crossdressing or transvestism. As it is, I have a lot of lost time to make up for.

Still, those heels will have to be a moderate height. Mom may have raised me as a boy, but she raised me with values and morals so that whether guy or gal, I knew what she expected of me.

Kelli Y

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Freaked Out By God

When it comes to God, I don't believe in coincidences. I don't believe in random acts converging into something momentous. I don't believe in accidents, and I don't believe in luck (even though I am notorious for saying "I was just lucky" when something happens). I believe God's works happen for a reason, and that they happen in a practical and orderly fashion. I may be transgendered. I may be autogynephiliac. I may even be a crossdresser. But I also love my Lord, and believe that as long as I put Him first in my life, all other matters, including "Kelli", will be taken care of.

I love church work as well. I think most folks think of church work as preaching or something, but there's lots more to it. There's outreach, giving folks rides to church, giving tithes, changing the light bulbs in the children's Sunday school classroom, mowing the yard, and publicizing your church. Recently, I've been invited to help out more in the church as Kelly, and have been very eager to do so, but there was one thing I didn't count on, and that was Kelli.

I'm still trying to sort some of this out, so please bear with me. I've alluded to, in previous entries, how when I am out and about as Kelly -- a male -- and I am acting "properly" as Kelly, I have no problems. Shoot! I might as well say it as the 300 pound gorilla is sitting in the room with me anyway. If I'm out and about as Kelly, and I start acting the least bit like Kelli (my female side who regards herself as pretty girlish), then I sometimes give people the wrong impression. A woman who acts feminine is considered normal. A man who acts feminine is not considered normal, and since I need to address the 300 pound gorilla who is staring at me right now, that man is probably going to be considered a homosexual whether he is or ain't.... Okay, the gorilla is no longer staring at me and is off to steal bananas from my kitchen.

This is something I have thought about and studied about for a long time. I am not gay -- never have been, and can confidently state that I don't think I ever will be gay. Now let us completely leave the subject of homosexuality for a moment and walk to the other side of the room while the gorilla is still in the kitchen. I am a crossdresser, an autogynephiliac, transgendered, and a conservative Christian. Unfortunately, the average person on the street still includes transgendered people with homosexuals, and our cause is not helped by the militant transgendered and transexuals who align themselves under a big blanket group labeled LGBT. TG and gay are not in any way related, and I have never understood why informed people would insist that they should go together. Homosexuality still has a negative stigma in this country as does transgenderism. I'm doing what I can to change that with transgenderism, but not at the expense of anything or anyone who has a high priority in my life.

Maybe I'm starting to get off track a little bit. Point is, if I am doing church work of any sort as Kelly, it needs to be done strictly as Kelly with as little to no input from Kelli as possible. Doing so would be sending mixed messages no matter what I was doing, and a house divided will not stand.

The part of this little episode that completely freaked me out and had me praying and soul-searching for days was a dream I had last week. In the dream, I was a woman. I was Kelli, and I was in church. It was beautiful. I was dressed beautifully and appropriately for Sunday morning services. Sunlight was filtering through the windows, and the sanctuary was full of people praising God with hymns and Gospel songs. I can't fully describe the joy and peace I felt at that moment. Everything was so beautiful and you could feel God's Spirit moving through the service. The pastor called for a couple of volunteers to help collect the offering. This is normally done by deacons or elders at my church. I'm not anything like that at church, but I started to walk towards the front to volunteer. I was stopped by a loud voice that seemed to come from everywhere at once that said You can't serve me, Kelli. I found myself totally freaked and totally awake at three in the morning.

I believe the message was this: God's got specific tasks for me in my life as Kelly, and He's got specific tasks for me in my life as Kelli, and based on the way the world is today, those tasks are not interchangeable between the two. Kelli is free to roam all over the internet and physically visit lots of churches here in town. Kelly can too, but must go in a different direction. Maybe instead of thinking of it as some sort of limitation, I should look at it as an opportunity to cover twice as much ground.

I'm slowly getting over the freaked-out part. I can't remember the last time I was freaked-out that badly over a dream! I was doing better at blog posts and hopefully that will resume. For those who disagree with me in any way over this post, that 300 pound gorilla would probably be willing to side with you if he hasn't left my kitchen yet. Oh no. He's on the sofa again....


Thursday, September 16, 2010

September 16, 2010

Thank heaven for a day off!!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Strange Dream Time

So last night/early this morning, I posted a blog message. After re-reading it, I guess I was trying to convey my feelings on balancing the good and bad in life, and turning the bad into something positive. I mentioned specifically school students and some of the trials they face as they grow up and mature. After surfing a few internet sites I normally visit, I put my surfboard away, slipped out of my cyber bikini, and went to bed (figuratively speaking, that is).

I had a strange dream last night. In the dream, I was a male college freshman arriving on campus for the first time so I could move into a dormitory. I started unloading the car and began carrying boxes up the stairs to my new room. The dorm mother (for a guy's dorm?) would stop me each time I passed by the front desk. First, she just introduced herself, then she would ask general questions about me, and then began telling me specific rules and regulations for living in the dorm. Most of it seemed pretty bland, so I wasn't paying much attention until she began criticizing my clothes and told me the university had a strict dress code.

I don't know how she did it, but gradually (piece by piece) she had me exchange my everyday male clothes for a female student uniform. She started with some fairly androgynous shoes, followed by a somewhat feminine shirt on my next trip past her office, and when I had dropped off another load of stuff, she invited me to sit down for a cold drink while she mopped my brow and "fixed" my hair. When I looked in the mirror, I now had a girlish bob. The final straw was the short plaid skirt. I was furious now. From the back I looked more like a Japanese schoolgirl from an anime. I decided to grab my last box of belongings, put it in my room, and make a speedy trip to the administration building to complain about this woman. When I first walked into the dorm, I didn't see her, but she grabbed me from behind and quickly had me down on the ground. We wrestled and fought, and when she turned me loose, I was now wearing a bra (how did she get it on under my blouse?). I yelled out that she was insane and ran upstairs to my room. On the way up, my bra began feeling very tight across my chest. When I reached my room, I ripped open my shirt to see what was causing the tightness, and as fans of cliche TG fiction can tell you, I now had a nice pair of feminine breasts.

The dream ended, but not the weirdness. I awoke. I had been tossing and turning during that dream. I tried to sit up, but found it difficult. I seemed to be restrained, and something tight was binding my chest. I started to panic and grab at the binding, only to discover that somehow I had wrapped the bed sheet tightly around my chest during the night while tossing and turning. Part of me sighed in relief, and part of me was very disappointed that it was all just a dream.


What Doesn't Kill You...

... Makes You A Better Person. I've heard that saying for years and like to think it is true. I know I can think back to specific instances in my life that were very bad at the time, but now realize I learned some important life lesson from that event and/or that event helped me to mature into the person I am today. You might call it a variation of making lemonade when life gives you lemons. I would classify this as a good thing.

Another item I would classify as a good thing is a news story that came across my computer this morning. I've seen dozens of such stories over the years so I didn't really pay any attention to the specifics, but a school district someplace in the U.S. was going to crack down and try to eliminate student bullying. As a person who suffered his/her fair share of unwanted attention from the local bully, and as an adult who wants today's school children to have access to the best, I can easily applaud their efforts to eliminate bullying.

Please let me be crystal clear on this: I am against bullying. I don't like bullies. If I were ever given the power to eliminate bullying, I would do it. However, I can look back at my school days and actually see where confronting and standing up to bullies made me a better person. I was one of the quiet students back in school, definitely one of the smaller ones, and definitely one of the smarter ones. I've rarely seen a bully pick on someone his own size, but someone that is 6, 8, 10 or more inches smaller and that is some easy pickins. It probably added to their amusement that I didn't back down.

The results: quite a few bloody noses, busted lips, and large bumps on the noggin. But I have also truthfully heard people say Kelli is an easygoing person, but don't make her mad cause she's got cojones! [This is a G-rated blog, get your minds out of the gutter!] I can thank those bullies for what fighting spirit I have.

Kids today face bullying tactics I never heard of in my day. There are computers, e-mail, instant messaging, and cell phones in addition to the actual six-foot-two sixth grader waiting outside for you to exit the building. After sorting through all the pros and cons of this issue, I figured no one could ever completely eliminate bullying, and that might not be a totally bad thing. Perhaps we should try our best to eliminate it, knowing that a very small amount that we miss might make us better people.

Like I said, I'm very confused when I place these two issues side by side. On the one hand, I say getting rid of bullying is a good thing. On the other hand, I think bullying helped me to mature. Any thoughts offered by readers of this humble blog that might un-confuse me would be appreciated.

On the flip side of all that, suppose back when we were in school that everyone was mature enough, secure enough, Christian enough in the way they treated others to where transgendered (used as a blanket term) students had the freedom everyone else had in school. Maybe we could dress the way we really wanted to within the school dress code. I could have really used home economics (which reminds me... I need to buy new batteries for the smoke detector). Our high school football team could have really used all the help they could get, so decent girl players would have been a great blessing. In addition to the FFA, FCA, and the like, we could have the FCC -- Fellowship of Christian Crossdressers. You get the idea.

Now I have before me the way things were versus the way I wish things could have been. If given a choice to live or re-live, it seems obvious the most pleasant scenario would be "the way I wish things could have been". But it pains me greatly to say "the way things were" probably produced the best results.


Saturday, September 4, 2010

In The Future, It's Already Been Invented

Matter is to anti-matter as The Flintstones are to The Jetsons. I've been looking to the past and present for what needs to be invented, however today is tomorrow's yesterday and I think we are on the verge of some great breakthroughs.

I saw this gag only once on The Jetsons, but it stuck with me. They had an automatic closet that would dress you for the day ahead. You can probably guess what happened. George Jetson, the father, stepped into the automatic closet. The machine was not working properly, and George ended up dressed in his wife's outfit. He didn't look very pretty, but with a little bit of tweaking in the machinery, I think it has promise for our select group.

A pretty gal I use to date was a major "Trekkie" and would drag me to all the Star Trek movies. In one movie, the crew of the spaceship Enterprise boldly traveled back in time to present day earth. The doctor found himself in one of our "antiquated" hospitals where he gave a sick woman a pill to take and she grew a new pair of kidneys. I found myself wondering if they made pills that helped you grow other things....

It seems that in the future cyborg bodies (part human, part machine) are very popular. Your Ghost In The Shell could find it's shell as curvy and feminine as you've ever dreamed it could be. Brain transplants are also possible, but many of the surgeons are a bit mad and could really stand some brain work themselves. I do not recommend this course of action in the future.

More freedom and acceptance of individual dress habits, perfection of human interaction with virtual environments, elimination of ignorance and hate, and the electrification of the rural south I believe are just a few of the things we should look towards in the future. Be patient, my friends and sisters, the future will be here eventually.


Saturday, August 28, 2010

Can't Wait Until It's Invented!

I remember many years ago, as a child, watching The Flintstones on television. It was a cartoon about a prehistoric family that lived a surprisingly modern life. For example, they had a garbage disposal in the kitchen sink. The gag was that it was actually a wart hog that lived under the sink that ate the garbage. Hey, it's a living.

Another gag they frequently used was someone needing something that had not yet been invented, and that person saying they were looking forward to someone inventing it. I told a group of kids once that when I was a kid, you would often find us on a hot summer day sitting on the porch, bored silly, because video games had not yet been invented, and we couldn't wait for someone to invent them. My sense of humor was never recognized by those kids.

However, I have recognized the possibilities of deciding what future items need to be invented, and offer some TG specific ideas:

We'll start with undergarments. I was shocked the first time I saw an advertisement for Hanes Her Way or Jockey For Her. Every guy knew these brand names, but certainly never associated them with female underwear. The product seems to be very popular, and no one these days gives this a second thought. It seems safe to now suggest that someone needs to invent Bali For Him and Playtex His Way. The marketing possibilities are endless. Next door to every Victoria's Secret, we could have a new store called Victor's Secret.

How about some shoes. I personally don't have very much trouble finding women's shoes that fit, but have seen one specific type of shoe that I really want. It's those specially designed sneakers designed to firm and tone the legs and butt. I want my legs and butt (especially the butt) to look more like those of the female models who sell the shoes. I challenge Madison Avenue to hire a male model, have him use those shoes religiously for six months, and show me if they will do what I want them to do. Then, I will happily pay $75 for a pair of sneakers.

It seems using makeup on a super model is like adding a four-barrel carburetor to the rockets on the space shuttle. She already has a natural beauty that most of us guys would kill for. Put one of us in that beautician's chair and slather on the moisturizers, the skin toners, the cleansers. Wax, tweeze, cut, and perm our hair until perfect. Show me a make-up color palette that would put a rainbow to shame. Make-up that could actually improve my face is the make-up I want.

And speaking of make-up, in my early days, I was known to use a little too much of the good stuff. Imagine the laugh I got when I saw an infomercial on television for an air-brush make-up applicator. Sounds like a great idea, but too dainty for the average Joe (or Josie). My designs call for a standard paint-gun sprayer hooked up to a moderately sized air compressor. Tape off the areas where you do not want to apply any makeup, fire-up the compressor, and let it go! [NOTE: Do not try this at home. Let someone who claims to be a trained professional try it first. If they survive, then maybe consider it....]

These are just a few of my ideas. However, I freely put them out there to the general public in case some free-thinking entrepeneur/inventor has the ability to take the ideas from the drawing board to the finished product. I look forward to a future date when I look back in time and think I remember when I wished someone would invent that.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Various and Sundry Updates, August 19, 2010

Hello from Kelli World! Hope your summer is going swimmingly.

I've been on a diet now for three weeks. The first two weeks were fantastic. I was eating a salad every evening for dinner. This salad would include a little bit of cheese, couple slices of red onion, a couple of cherry tomatoes, and some low fat dressing. I would wash it all down with a diet pop or water, AND I WAS LOOSING WEIGHT! I couldn't believe it. The pounds (and I have quite a few pounds to loose) were disappearing with ease, and I was enjoying the food. I kept that up for two weeks, and then decided I needed a change. That was a mistake.

I switched to low calorie / low fat foods and noticed almost immediately that not only had the weight loss stopped, it had started to reverse. This week, I'll be back on salads and liking it. I blame it all on my job, where I sit behind a desk for eight hours a day five days a week. With such inactivity, I have discovered that just the thought of something like southern fried chicken will cause me to gain... Oh, I need a larger girdle.

- - -

Kelli is a very girly-type person. I like all things feminine and have no problem with that when I am home or with friends who know about Kelli. Problem is I seem to sometimes slip into Kelli mode (female mode) when I'm actually Kelly (male mode). Last week I was "ma'am"ed at the grocery store while talking to the cashier. Unfortunately, I was out as Kelly. Part of me loved it, and part of me was extremely annoyed.

I place the blame for this squarely at the feet of autogynephilia. With autogynephilia, I have this incredibly strong urge to picture myself as a woman, to fantasize that I am a woman, to do all of this in just my mind -- crossdressing and/or sex-change body modifications are not necessary. And most of my fantasies are quick little thoughts that can form in the mind and then vanish, or they take place when I can actually be Kelli (mentally and/or physically) for an extended amount of time. However, one fantasy I have has me as an actual woman who is trying to pass herself of as a man -- reverse crossdressing, if you will. In other words, I am Kelli, pretending to be Kelly. Doing that will get me "ma'am"ed every time.

- - -

Speaking of quick fantasies, have you seen ads on television for those sneakers specially designed to tone-up your legs and butt. They always feature pretty, athletic women, and you find yourself thinking If only....


Thursday, August 5, 2010

"Are You Gay?"

When I came out to my last girlfriend, that was one of (if not the) first questions she asked me: "Are you gay?" I assured her I was not gay, but at the time, I needed reassuring myself. The time was the early 1990s, and although I had studied and read up on terms like crossdressing, transvestism, and transsexualism, it would be several more years before I heard the term "autogynephilia".

Fortunately, I told her the truth, even though I was not certain at the time. I had gone through several bad relationships, and one day put 2 and 2 together and figured there was the possibility that I was gay. Let's look at the facts. Fact one -- I enjoyed dressing in women's clothes. Fact two -- I had always dated women and never even considered anything romantic with another man. Fact three -- in many of my fantasies and daydreams, I was often a woman with another woman. Fact four -- in many of my fantasies and daydreams, I was often a woman with a man. Three out of four of those facts screamed "Gay!" at me.

I figured I should consider the possibility that I was gay. After a few talks with some gay friends and a quick perusal of some gay "romance novels", I was quickly convinced that as a man, I did not want, did not desire, did not have the slightest inclination to be romantic with another man. However, I was still confused. Here is what I now knew: in reality, I like women; in fantasy, I liked both.

I knew that in my fantasies I wanted to be a woman. That along with my general feelings on crossdressing led me to believe I might be transsexual. Much literature on the subject written back then suggested that many transsexuals had experienced shifts in their sexual preferences, and I figured that in a worse case scenario, I would be bi-sexual, and hoped that correcting all the "plumbing" would make me a straight woman in search of a good man.

After dating my girlfriend for awhile, I began counselling on my transgenderism. My doctor was very practical in his outlook and very helpful. I asked him one day if he thought I was gay. He asked if I dated men or women, and I replied women. He told me I was straight. I then brought up the subject of my fantasy in which I was a woman with a man. He told me I was straight. I asked how he could be so sure. He replied that I was fantasizing about a man and a woman having sex -- what was gay about that? I answered that it was gay because I was the woman in the fantasy. I then started to see what he was getting at, and realized I still had a lot more work to do in figuring out my fantasies. Even if I did work at deciphering my fantasies, they were still just fantasies. In real life I was physically male and enjoyed dating women. Fantasies would never change that.

Fantasies are not real. Fantasies are not factual. If one of your fantasies were to come true, there is no guarantee that you would like that fantasy as a reality. Fantasies are just a variation on the classic daydream. Ever have a daydream about going skinny-dipping in a mountain spring on a hot day? My real experiences with mountain springs tells me they are usually a bit cold for skinny-dipping.

I'm confident in my sexuality these days, even if the trip to that destination was a bit convoluted.


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

No News Except In Dreams

Work and summer activities have kept me pretty busy lately. That's not too bad of a thing, except it has really cut down on my Kelli time. My subconscious seems to have picked-up on this fact, and I have had several nice dreams that were heavy in TG content.

I try to approach dreams more from a scientific perspective than the mystical point of view that many people promote. Like Freud, it makes logical sense to me that during sleep the subconscious can enjoy greater freedom and control of the mind. He (the subconscious) likes to sit at the brain's control board and playback memories of things that recently happened, and memories of things that happened a long time ago. He also likes to take a look at your current fears and phobias (I don't know if he is trying to help or not, but he doesn't really have anything else to do at that time of night). He's even looked at problems I recently faced during waking hours, and given me solutions, making some of my dreams extremely valuable and practical. However, the conscious mind is watching all this on another monitor in another part of the brain, and he can't make sense of any of it. He just sees a jumble of anecdotes and has no information regarding time and context. Unfortunately, the conscious mind is what we deal with in our waking hours, so we awake and say something like, "I had the strangest dream last night!"

Jung made great strides in dream interpretation with his theory of archetypes, which basically states that objects and people in dreams actually represent specific ideas and that these archetypes (by definition) are the same in different people's dreams. Problem is that you can't hold fast and true to this theory simply because objects mean different things to people of different ethnicities, age, gender, and lifestyles. An example I read on another web site was about a stuffed toy tiger. If I dreamed about the toy, it might be that my dream was about issues in my youth. If a child dreamed about the same toy, it was probably just a fun dream, and I believe some dreams are best explained as being just entertaining with no special meaning.

The dream I had last night could definitely be explained as just being fun, although because it again happened at my parent's house, I am open to the possibility of there being more to the interpretation. In the dream, Mom is nagging me (I'm in male mode) to clean out the closet in what was my room when I lived there (something she does in real life too). I'm looking at all the male clothes (I have no female clothes there for obvious reasons) and asking myself how I am going to pack all those old clothes into my suitcase so I can fly back home. Then I get an idea: I'll wear as many of the clothes as possible on the plane!

The first item I put on is an old black t-shirt that appears to have writing on the back, but I can't read it. I then notice that I have 2 blue jeans jackets and put both of them on. I then turn to look at myself in a full mirror and am shocked to find that I now have the tiny waist of a gorgeous supermodel (I've recently started dieting and exercising). I pull the jacket back and place my hands on my newly trimmed waist to make certain it is for real and discover that my t-shirt has been replaced with a very pretty black knit blouse. I look back at the mirror to see a hint of cleavage in the scoop neckline and my hair is now short, cute, and very feminine. That's when I awoke.

Like I said, odds are that dream was just fun entertainment playing in my mind. But on the off chance there was something mystical, I'm going to look for those blue jean jackets next time I visit my parents!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Strange Dream Time

The other night I had a rather strange dream. The dream began much like a normal day in the life of Kelly (male side). I showered and shaved, drove to work, everything was normal until co-workers began to talk to me, and it was then I discovered that I couldn't understand anyone. They were speaking plain, everyday, English words and phrases, but all the meanings had been changed, and the sentence structure altered. I would reply with a normal statement, for example, "I don't understand what you are saying," and my co-workers would stare at me as if I were from another planet. This continued throughout the morning, through my lunch break, and into the afternoon hours. I arrived home, visibly shaken and thinking I must be going crazy. I had plans to go out that evening, but was considering the possibility of staying home. I decided to wash my face, looked in the bathroom mirror, and discovered, to my surprise, that I was a woman. I said to myself, "That explains everything! I'm a woman. Everything makes sense now!" I went out with friends and discovered that everything did make sense now. I could understand them, and they could understand me.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Lack of Spring Updates

So sorry about the lack of updates. I blame it on those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer (oooh, that would make a good song title!), so here's a quickie update.

First, happy Father's Day to all the Dads that read my blog. I hope your day was special, and remember -- no one can take the place of a child's parents. You are that important. May God bless.

The other week I was standing in a long line at the cashier's window for the local traffic court. (No, the fine was not caused by driving while wearing a blond wig.) Anywho, I was more or less just staring off into space, minding my own business. There was a couple ahead of me, and I heard the guy start singing Dude Looks Like A Lady to his wife. They were quietly laughing and I didn't think anything about it as I was totally absorbed in watching a bailiff instruct someone how to fill-out court paperwork and pay fines, etc. It didn't involve me anyway, as I was in male drag.

When I turned to stare out into space in the other side of the lobby, I saw the inspiration that caused this man to burst into song -- an androgynous person was sitting outside one of the offices.

Now I've come across many crossdressers and transgendered people out in public before, at shopping malls, restaurants, parks, etc. Sometimes I'll stop and say hello, sometimes I'll wave, sometimes I'll just keep to myself, it all depends on the circumstances, like if they are alone, if they are with friends, do they look like they need help, etc. Some of the people I have seen completely passed, while others didn't come close.

This was the first time I had ever seen a person who was obviously going for the androgynous look. The hair could pass for unisex, but was a bit on the feminine side. Skin was darkly tanned, and there was a strong five o'clock shadow. If there was any makeup, it was extremely light. This person wore a pretty, satiny blue top with a decidedly feminine white jacket that had classic shoulder pads. I'm not certain what they were wearing below the waist. Perhaps if I see this person again, I'll be able to say hello.

Remember girls: tan in moderation, have a safe vacation, and work for the day when you can physically wear a bikini and look as good as when you do in your on-line virtual world.


Saturday, June 5, 2010

Boobs In Delaware

Here's a story that's making the rounds this past week. It seems a group of male-to-female transgenders decided to hit the beach in Delaware. For a nice, even tan, they decided to remove their swimsuit tops, ignoring the fact that they were not on a topless beach. According to the news reports, they had implants, giving them female breasts. After some complaints, the lifeguards and police were called. The sunbathers put their tops on, and the police later stated that no one was breaking the law because the sunbathers in question still had male genitalia (which was, apparently, left covered-up).

I'm probably one of the few who will say this, but the actions of the sunbathers reeks of hypocrisy in my opinion. Their actions only throw fuel on the fire that helps keep transgendered men and women from living healthy, normal lives. Most transexuals, crossdressers, and transgendered people that I know and have met want nothing more than to blend in with whatever gender they are transitioning towards. They want healthy, normal lives as if they had been born and raised in their adoptive gender. However, transitioning and their new gender will present difficulties and obstacles they didn't have to face in their past.

An ex-girlfriend once told me If you're going to be a woman, you have to take the bad along with the good. After pondering her slightly one-sided statement through the years, I've discovered that it is a basic truth that both men and women fail to fully appreciate. In other words, this piece of advice is applicable to both sexes.

Here we are in the 21st century, and there are still things I can do as a man that are either impossible, improbable, or unwanted as a woman. As a man, I can impregnate a woman... just me and the woman, a little lubricant, some Barry White on the old 8-track, you get the picture. A woman is not going to get another woman pregnant by having sex with her unless she has some sort of high tech science lab behind her efforts (or something really weird happens).

If I ask a woman out to dinner, it is generally accepted that I will pay the check. I'm sure the woman does not want to get the check, as that is not really human nature. I've offered her a free meal. I've invited her to eat with me. Some old-timers would even say that just because I am the man, I should be paying for her meal!

Differences between men and women are both physical, mental, and environmental. I'm very happy about these differences, Of course, if it wasn't for these differences, we wouldn't have such conditions as crossdressing and autogynephilia, but I digress. It's our differences that cause us to take notice of the opposite sex and progress from there. You've probably read a few articles lamenting the fact that it is much harder for a man to dress as a woman and be accepted by people than it is for a woman to dress like a man and be accepted. Why is that? Women are allowed more wardrobe choices regarding what is traditionally male and female garb than what men are allowed. A woman can wear a tailored shirt, slacks, and a tie for work in an office, but a man cannot wear a pretty blouse, skirt, and heels in that same office.

That brings us back to those boobs in Delaware. Here we have a group of sunbathers who, by definition, are progressing from masculine to feminine. Then, we find them reaching a point where don't want a certain piece of the feminine equation they have been working towards. Their response is to refuse the bad and just enjoy the good. Unfortunately, my autogynephiliac fantasies might be like that, but here in reality, you overcome the bad by utilizing the good. Avoidance solves nothing.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Cyber vs. Personal Cross Dressing

I started this blog with the goal of encouraging conservative Christians who are also cross dressers. My whole point behind the fundamental purpose of these postings is to let you know that you are not alone, that there are many out there just like you, and that you are not an awful sinner just because you like to cross dress! I could continue proclaiming this message until I was blue in the face. I could shout it from the highest mountain tops. I might even live long enough to see this message adopted as a truth (that is scripturally supported by the Good Lord's Word) that is ratified by every priest, rabbi, and minister in the world, and yet, this blog would remain nothing more than an elementary starting point.

Cross dressing, transvestism, transsexualism, autogynephilia, and their wide array of familial conditions all begin with one person realizing they have this "condition" which sets them apart from "normal" people. Reaching the conclusion that they are not "normal", they may decide that they are a "freak" or "pervert". For a wide variety of reasons, our feelings are defined, by society at large, as "abnormal" and "wrong". I say this is wrong, and that transgenderism itself is merely something that makes me different from another person with no "right" or "wrong" involved. Some people have brown eyes, some have blue eyes, and my eyes are frequently bloodshot. Are any of these people wrong? No. Are they different? Yes. I don't see how my mode of dress (under general conditions) or how I see myself is anyone's concern.

It was then my prayer and hope that someone coming to terms with their transgenderism would search out information on the subject. I hope there are people who stumble across my sites and find themselves thinking Good heavens! This was written by a conservative Christian cross dresser just like me!!!

If this ever happens to anyone, then the purpose of this blog has been served. I wish this blog could do more, but it is housed in a cold, impersonal, world wide web with no human interaction, and that is the next big step for anyone coping with transgenderism -- you need to meet face to face with other transgendered people.

Meeting other transgendered people face to face can ease the loneliness we all have felt in those early days. You'll be meeting new people who share common interests that you have been unable to discuss with your buddies at work (like makeup techniques). You'll meet people who share common problems that you might be experiencing. You might discover where exactly you fit into the gender spectrum. I myself came to terms with my transgenderism long before the internet, so I know personally the importance of meeting others.

The internet is a pretty good place to start these days when looking for support groups. Try Googling "crossdress support groups" or something similar. Keep away from obvious porno sites or sites that just don't seem legit. I haven't had any personal experience with Tri-Ess, but they are a real, nationwide, support group for cross dressers and their families. This assures you there is nothing X-rated going on.

Another option (you could use the internet or stop by personally for this one) is your local gay and lesbian center. They frequently have info on local transgender groups.

Once you have selected a group, give them a call. You will probably be invited to meet with a couple of their members at a public place (a mall or a restaurant) where you can check each other out. Most transgender groups respect their members privacy and work towards providing a safe and secure environment.

Once you have been accepted by a group, give yourself a big pat on the back, as this is a major accomplishment in the life of any cross dresser. This can be very beneficial to you, your family, and the group.

One important item I always like to add at this point is this reminder: It is always okay to say "no". If you decide you are not compatible with a group, it is always okay to politely decline their invitation. If you are not comfortable with the group's surroundings, it is always okay to politely decline their invitation. Meeting other transgenders is suppose to be a good thing, and it is not a good thing if you feel pressured to do something you don't want to do.

Cyber surfing is fun, but nothing beats the feel of real surf and sand. Now if only I looked as good in a real bikini as I do in my web surfing bikini....


Thursday, May 27, 2010

Personal Spring Wardrobe Notes

This post will fulfill something of a dream I have had for years. I've read many fine cross dressing magazines over the years, and many of them had very good advice columns pertaining to makeup and fashion. Friends have told me that I do pretty well on both fronts. I have to study and work hard at makeup, but when it comes to fashion, I'm pretty good at dressing like a normal woman. At home, I don't dress like June Cleaver or a fantasy French maid, but if the occasion calls for feminine slacks and a nice blouse, that is what I will wear. If the occasion calls for a dress, that is what I will wear. I don't own any haute coture. I think you get my point.

So I have never really needed much fashion advice, and have never really given (or been asked to give) any fashion advice, which is okay because I thought everything that needed to be said on the subject had already been said or written. Today changed all that, and I found an area of fashion decorum that needed my two cents.

I live in a moderately-sized town in the U.S.A. which is located in a region referred to as "tornado alley". This region of the country experiences more tornadoes and severe weather during the spring months than any other region of the U.S., and at the moment, we are at the peak of the season. I was talking with a stranger at a gas station about the weather. I figured we were just making small talk, when I saw him jump in his vehicle and discovered he was a storm chaser from a major university. These folks will travel the highways chasing tornadoes. They are normally in a convoy and will have lots of neat gizmos like computers, weather radars, satellite trucks, etc. With all this equipment, they seem very smart, and yet, they are chasing some of the most dangerous storms to hit this part of the country. If they don't have to get too close to the tornado, I suppose it would be very exciting and interesting, so naturally, I began making notes about what to wear should I ever decide to chase after a tornado.

Unfortunately, it seems the first piece of advice would be to not wear a skirt. Tornadoes are windy. It's embarrassing when a woman's skirt is blown up, but when a cross dresser's skirt is blown up, it's just gross to me. I would suggest a nice pair of slacks, or possibly, if you've got a decent shape, a cute pair of shorts. I use fanny pads, which I figure would also offer some protection from the weather elements (like if the wind knocks me flat on my a... seat).

The second piece of advice is also a bit of a downer -- wear flats, not heels. Take a look at Helen Hunt in the movie Twister. A tornado will easily catch up to you if you're running (mincing for some of us) in heels, and the added height will attract more lightening strikes. I'd go with a cute pair of sneakers, and the added running will help tone the legs and butt for when you do wear heels.

Now for the top, I'm thinking of some layering. You would want the outer layer to be a long-sleeved shirt of some sort that can easily be removed or added. The weather under a thunderstorm is often much cooler, and with the rain and strong winds, it can get downright chilly, especially compared to the warm sunshine you were in just moments ago. The inner layer needs to be very light and cool, like maybe a t-shirt, halter top, tank top, or exercise or swimsuit top. This way you can tease the world a little with "what you've got", yet keep somewhat modestly covered (Mom and Dad would be proud of their... a... child).

As for underwear, the standard crossdressing rule applies -- the sexier, the better. If a black lace push-up is all you've got, it will do just fine. A word of advice -- you might get pretty wet, so plan ahead of you want to avoid looking like you just left a wet t-shirt contest.

This will be an excellent time for your makeup skills to shine. Remember, it will probably be warm and sunny while you are out traveling, so you will want a light, minimal look to your makeup. However, once you are in the storm, it will be quite a bit darker in an atmosphere dominated by various hues ranging from blue-grey to grey with some greens thrown in for good measure. I would be packing lots of blues, grays, greens, purples, magentas, evening-type makeup, and make certain it is not only waterproof, but wind-proof as well.

It took a long time for me to summon enough courage to leave my home the first time dressed as a woman. Taking that into consideration, it will probably be a long time (if ever) before I actually consider chasing a tornado dressed as a woman, but if I do, I've got my wardrobe already selected.


Friday, May 21, 2010

The Thorn In The Flesh

In the book of II Corinthians, the Apostle Paul made mention of a "thorn in the flesh" which he had. This thorn was some sort of infirmary, a flaw, a handicap, a malady that Paul wanted removed. We don't know any specifics, but we do know that Paul asked God directly to remove the thorn, and God refused. Here's what happened:

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
-- 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

I recently came across the question, Is crossdressing your thorn in the flesh? In the past, I have considered it a pain in the neck, and other areas of the body, but never as a "thorn in the flesh". When I looked at what a "thorn in the flesh" really was, I realized it could be relevant to my situation, and, here's the best part, that is a good thing.

Paul was an amazing man. He was well-educated, he was what we would consider to be a blue-blood family lineage associating in all the right circles, and then he met the Lord and his life changed. He became a pillar in the early church. His writings are central to New Testament importance. We know more about his work in spreading the Gospel than anyone else. He traveled extensively throughout Europe and Asia, preaching, teaching, and writing like no one else.

It would be easy for anyone in that situation to start feeling like they were Super Preacher -- faster than the speeding Word, more powerful than the Sanhedrin, able to leap over false gods and idols in a single bound. It's a bird! It's a plane! It's super Paul!

One tiny, little problem: that is known as a classic case of self pride, which is not good because it incorrectly attributes these great blessings as coming from us, when God is the author of all blessings. At the most, we can be a vessel through which God works, which is also a blessing from God.

The end result was that this thorn (whatever it was) reminded Paul daily that he was nothing without the Lord, and the same is true for us who are followers of the Lord.

It would be too easy for me to dismiss my autogynephilia and cross dressing as a problem that I wish could go away (I've already tried that, and, SURPRISE, it's not going away). But if I consider it something of a thorn in the flesh, I have to admit that there have been blessings from it. I've met a lot of wonderful people through the years because of my cross dressing. I've been able to talk with other cross dressers about the Lord and have heard back from them. I have found them very encouraging, and I hope they were able to gain something useful from me. My autogynephilia has definitely kept me in check as a man, but the resulting balance I have found between masculine and feminine has, I hope and pray, made me a better person. I know I am much happier with this balance, and can't imagine tipping back more towards the masculine side (female side would be just as bad).

Through the years I have found myself praying that God would turn me into a woman, and I have prayed that God would make me more manly. Looks like considering this to be a thorn in the flesh is the best option I've come across.


Friday, May 7, 2010

Mommy's Little Girl -- NOT!!!

I always enjoy reading the Crossdreamers blog, even when the conversation becomes so scientific and psychologically deep and complex that it hurts my brain and I find myself wondering if I'm really a blonde. Still, I press forward with my attempts to understand all, even when I know I probably have as much of a shot at understanding transgenderism as I do of using Einstein's and Hawking's theories to build a time machine (hot tub optional).

When it comes to the nature vs. nurture argument (are transgendered people born that way, or learn that behavior), until fairly recently, it seemed the vast majority of information I had seen pointed towards a nurture theory. In the past, I generally had read that the typical transgendered person had a dominant mother, absent father, and was generally rewarded for embracing a more feminine personae than the typical male. I, personally, couldn't raise much of an argument to that theory. I grew up in a very loving family, but could readily see how this environment could lead me to autogynephilia and cross dressing.

Now the "nature theory" of some sort of hormonal imbalance has been around for a long time as well, but the scientific understanding of how those hormones work, when they work, and how they affect various receptors has exploded many fold in recent times. I found myself reading recent posts in Jack Molay's blog and saying to myself I have those physical quirks and I remember Mom telling me that happened to her during her pregnancy! I was completely "freaked out" many times over.

So here I am, still sitting pretty, and still without an answer I can readily accept as to whether trans people are born or learned. If you read this blog and would like to offer your thoughts, I would love to hear from you! Did your mother force you to wear a dress when you were young and you have continued doing so to this day? Do you know of anything that happened during your mother's pregnancy that might have made you autogynephiliac? I don't personally subscribe to some theories, but still would like to hear if you think you are transgendered because you were the opposite sex in a past life, or aliens from the planet Sunev abducted you and reversed your sex. Until then, maybe I'll start on that time machine...[tongue planted firmly in cheek humor].