Saturday, February 22, 2014

Please Stop Trying to Read My Mind!

I'm being serious on this subject.  There are people trying to read other people's minds, and I wish they would stop.  It serves no useful purpose and is very annoying to us whose minds are being probed.

Recently, a college football player announced he was gay and was planning to be drafted into the NFL as the first openly gay football player.  Sorry for the lack of specific facts.  I don't follow professional football like I did in the past.  If the story had been about a cheerleader who came out as gay, I probably would have paid more attention to the story  (CAUTION:  Please keep your mind out of the gutter.  I'm just more interested in cheerleaders than football players.  Wait, that didn't help.  Nevermind!).

So I've heard various opinions expressed on this.  Some people think it is great.  Some people are indifferent (like me).  Some people have concerns on the matter and have brought up the old "What is he thinking?" question.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  A straight football player in the locker room sees a gay football player look at him and, in a fit of paranoia, decides the gay football player is leering at him and is disgusted at the thought of a man finding him attractive.  Paranoia is bad.  Absurd paranoia is absurdly bad.  People!  Chill!  Knowing with 100% accuracy the thoughts of another person is impossible without that person actually stating what he is thinking.

Years ago, while in a serious relationship with a young woman, I decided I needed help dealing with my gender issues and went to a friend who happened to be a psychiatrist.  Back in the day, I was worried if I was a transvestite or transexual.  After several visits, the doctor told me that was not the question.  He said my problem was depression (which I knew I had and had refused to seek treatment for) and we needed to deal with that first.

I told my girlfriend I was seeing a therapist, but outside of that I didn't tell her much.  I didn't give her weekly reviews of what we discussed or what I was thinking.  It never occurred to me that she might want this.  One day we got into an argument and she yelled "Well, that doctor is helping you to become a woman anyway, so I guess I don't have much room in this relationship!"  I was stunned and tried to assure her that was not happening.  I found myself wanting the doctor to cure me of gender issues, the doctor wanted to cure me of depression, and my girlfriend was convinced the doctor was about to prescribe hormones and a sex change for me.  Why was she so certain of all this?  She had apparently read my mind, which is impossible and absurd.  You can't win against impossible and absurd arguments.

The Good Book says we are to bear "good fruit" and we are to know others by the fruit they bear.  This refers to the works we do in this life.  A good person should be bearing good fruit, or doing good deeds.  An evil person will bear bad or rotten fruit -- evil deeds.  If a person has never done evil to me, why should I consider that person evil?  If I know for certain of no evil deeds done by this person to others, why should I consider that person evil?  The same works in reverse.  If a person does me evil, I should not be expecting good from this person.

By the way, Paul wrote to the church at Corinth that we are to basically give each other the benefit of a doubt too.  To misinterpret a person's actions and accuse them of evil when the actions had a good intention is bad too.

Stop trying to read people's minds.  You'll save yourself some grief and paranoia.  Now if only I could convince the NSA of this.


Thursday, February 20, 2014

Keeping Up To Date With The Internet

Once when I was a kid, back in the early seventies, our television broke.  The repairman diagnosed the problem as a burned-out picture tube and said it would take a week to get a new one.  As a kid, you would think an Old Testament prophet had proclaimed a famine in the land by our response.  No television for a week!  What would we do?  We'll perish without television!

Then Dad assured us everything would be alright because we still had radio.  I looked quizzically at Dad and said that was fine for music, but radio didn't have any shows (comedies or dramas).  Dad stuck to his guns, and totally failed at proving his point.  Radio comedies and dramas pretty much disappeared from the airwaves by 1960 in the U.S.  Dad hadn't realized this and seemed very out-of-date to us kids.  Ironically, as I write this, I realize that to people born after 2000, terms like "picture tube" and "tv repairman" seem quaint and archaic.  I reassure myself that it has probably been 35 years since I last used these terms, so I feel more current with the times.

One of the fun things about crossdressing is keeping up to date.  Makeup is always changing.  Makeup essentials -- mascara, blush, eye shadow, powder -- seem fairly constant from decade to decade, yet the application of these elements on the human face along with seasonal changes in color, changes season to season even from morning to night.

Fashion changes!  I would love to dress like women from the sixties or seventies, but came to the realization that I would look like I just walked off the set of Here's Lucy or Laugh In.  Hot pants cause a girl to stand out, no matter the size of the crowd.
I've discovered the hard way that the internet also changes.  I had an old desktop computer that served me faithfully for about six years until the hard drive crashed.  Over the years, my browser had amassed a large collection of TG bookmarks.  One day, I noticed that I had dozens of bookmarks, but only had a half dozen sites that I regularly read and that were actually beneficial.  I decided to weed the bookmarks and began visiting the old sites.

Now the oldest of these bookmarks were five years old.  To my surprise, the majority of these bookmarks were now useless because the sites and blogs they led to were now gone.  My favorite blogging site now had competition like Pinterest and Tumblr, which had not existed five years earlier.  That was a pretty fast change in the internet (to me, anyway), and I had been caught snoozing.  Actually, the big migration to Pinterest and Tumblr would have occurred in a matter of weeks or months, but discovering this years after the fact just shocked me even more.

Since purging my computer of porn, I'm hoping to spend more time on many other things, including my little blog, and I hope to update the "Blogs I Follow" gadget in the sidebar.  I follow some very popular and beneficial blogs that I should share with others.  There's plenty of porn on the internet that is easy to find.  There's not enough good character -building sites on the internet, and if these sites also improve our fashion sense, so much the better.


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Purging the Internet

In my last post I referenced the fact that I had greatly refined and reduced my time spent surfing the internet.  After following this new practice for about a month, I have to admit I'm a bit surprised at the results.  I'm extremely happy with the newly freed hours in my life that have been claimed by more important and fruitful pursuits, yet I feel like I have a bit of a hangover from drinking in too much of what the internet offers.  This is probably due to the addictive nature of my problem, and I'm confident it will decrease in intensity as I do my best to temper my online activities.

One of the first things I did when attacking this problem was deciding to rid myself of all "porn".  I've placed the word "porn" in quotations for the moment only because I feel the need to qualify.  Porn is bad, no matter what.  I consider myself a good Christian girl from the midwest, so having to deal with this issue is doubly shameful to me.  But, I think I got pulled into some porn because I don't view porn like non-transgendered men.

It is a rite of young manhood that you will be exposed to porn.  I found myself in such situations when I was young.  However, in my case, it didn't matter if it was magazines or videos, I was never interested in any sort of porn, straight, gay, or fetish.  I attribute part of this to my Christian upbringing, and part to just confusion in my mind as I found myself fantasizing about being a woman and couldn't figure out where that placed me in the straight-gay-fetish timeline.

When the internet came along, a whole new world opened up to the transgender community.  Tons of beneficial information and resources suddenly became available worldwide, and along with all this information came tons of bad things like porn.  The porn industry has its tentacles firmly entrenched in the internet and does its best to infiltrate and pervert those areas of the internet that shun pornography.  If you don't believe me, try doing an internet search for something completely innocent, such as searching for a favorite children's cartoon character, and see how far you have to go in the search results before you start coming across XXX sites.

My progression in internet surfing went like this:  started with bona fide and legitimate TG websites, followed by websites featuring TG artwork, followed by TG caption and fiction websites, followed by websites featuring nicely and appropriately attired cross dressers, followed by racy and adult TG artwork, and capped with websites featuring cross dressers who "let it all hang out".

One day I took a step back and noticed that last group of websites -- letting it all hang out.  On one hand, I enjoyed how feminine some of these cross dressers looked.  On the other hand, they completely ruined their feminine appearance by proclaiming their masculinity.  It was then that I noticed I was on a slippery slope and didn't like where I was heading.  Something that appears both good and bad will ultimately just be bad for you in the long run.

I enjoy pictures of feminine cross dressers.  I admire the work they put into looking like a woman.  I admire their taste in clothes.  I admire that they were brave enough to take that photo of themselves in the middle of Disneyland, or some such public place.  Nothing wrong with that.  The "let it all hang out" pictures proclaimed a pornographic aspect that I had never wanted in my life, but had sneaked in through an open window.  I had to close that window, sweep out the house, and reclaim my home.

If Kelli Land was an actual place, I would want it to be a place the whole family could come with no fear that anything inappropriate would be within reach of anyone -- young or old, male or female.  I don't want Kelli Land to be a glorified adult book store.  I'm better than that, and by getting rid of the bad in my life, I've got more time for the good which will prove that I'm better.


Thursday, January 30, 2014


Sorry for not writing lately.  I hope and pray that will be changing a bit.

Most all of us have heard of purging, and quite a few of us have done it from time to time.  Purging, for the gender-flexible, usually involves ridding our alter ego's of their clothes, books, belongings, etc.  I've purged myself of Kelli's things many times over the decades... I mean... years (I can't be THAT old).  The reasons have ranged from trying to rid myself of all things feminine in my life to living situations that were less than private to having nosy girlfriends.

For the benefit of younger readers, let me just caution you that purging never improved my condition.  Even experts will tell you that your transgenderism, crossdressing, transvestism, transexualism, crossdreaming, gender dysphoria, eonism, whatever the heck you want to call it, etc., will probably not be cured (go away) by purging.  Your best course of action is learning to live with it and turning it into something more positive.  The only happiness my purging brought about took place in the lives of the ladies who frequented the local thrift stores in my neighborhood.

However, I just purged myself of something that I think will be positive.  I just purged myself of the internet (at least a big portion of it).  Best I can tell, I think I was addicted to the internet.  I could spend hours every day looking at transgender pictures and artwork, saving favorite TG captions to my hard drive, reading the latest TG fiction, etc.  I would surf the web every morning up to time to leave for work.  After work, the first thing I would do upon arriving home would be to prop up my heels, check my e-mail and start surfing again for a couple more hours.  Time for bed?  Not before I check the e-mail and Twitter again followed by more surfing.

For some time I felt that this was some sort of compulsive behaviour, but I couldn't see any negative effects.  It wasn't until I could no longer deny the fact that I was ignoring other things in my life because I was surfing the internet that I decided something had to change.  I finally decided one night a few weeks ago that I was no longer going to surf the internet, resolved that the next day I would commit myself to this change, and went to bed.

Then, things took a strange turn.  I got up that morning to check my e-mails before going to work and found my hard drive had been erased.  Everything was gone!  I was shocked.  Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.  Then I was very annoyed and a bit angry.  True, I had promised that I would no longer surf the internet, but in this day and age I rely very heavily on e-mail and Twitter.  I needed a computer for work and personal use.  It looked like I was going to be buying a new computer, which I did not look forward to doing.

Later that day, I was looking for some important personal papers.  My important paper filing system is very simple, but not very efficient.  I take a large box and label it "IMPORTANT PAPERS 201X", and all the important papers I get that year go in that box.  It works unless I can't remember the year.  So I'm looking in a box of important papers and find... the recovery discs for my computer.  What they were doing in a box of important papers, I'll never know.  I slapped the discs into the DVD drive and within an hour had a bare-bones computer running once again.  I was thrilled and started checking my e-mail.

Looking back on this, I can't help but feel a higher power was giving me a little help in my purging.  By ridding my computer of the browser, all my bookmarks, and any files that could easily be used to recreated a papertrail, I got a fresh start that I had never considered.  Having my computer wiped of its information has been a terrific blessing.

So now, I spend 2-3 hours a day at home and work on e-mail and Twitter, but that's pretty much all.  I have a few (less than six) blogs that I like to check everyday, but none with TG pictures/artwork or such.  In other words, they are pretty much "G" rated, or as innocent as TG subjects can be presented.  The hours that have been reclaimed for personal living are spent with my music, going outside, more personal interaction, and resuming work on a college degree.

Now if you're wondering if I've been tempted to return to my old ways, the answers is "Good heaven's yes!"  I guess it was the first night after I had rebuilt the hard drive on my computer, I was tempted to mindlessly surf the web.  As a Christian, I had to chuckle at myself.  Does the devil really think I'm that big of a pushover???


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Chelsea Manning

Many years ago, many in the transgender community were insistent that anyone seeing themselves as trans should be immediately supplied whatever they needed to do whatever level of transitioning they needed.  The heck with the expert opinions of doctors and psychiatrists, all forms of health insurance and health care needed to cover this and it was to be served-up on a silver platter to the person desiring some level of transition.  Maybe the person just needed a new nose in order to feel prettier.  Maybe the person wanted some really ripped biceps that looked sexy in a man's tank top.  Or maybe the person wanted the whole package with whatever additions, subtractions, or enhancements were wanted.  Access without question or hindrance was the goal.

There is a minority of us who feel getting whatever we want whenever we want might not always be a good thing.  The Bible teaches that there is wisdom in the counsel of others.  I don't care how far advanced modern medicine is at gender change, if you make a wrong decision at some point in the process, it is difficult to impossible to undo that mistake and put things back the way they were.

Then the early reports of prison inmates demanding sex changes were published in the news media, and many of those same people who had demanded free, no-holds barred access to sex changes began to modify their stance, saying criminals demanding such treatment gave the trans community a black eye.

To my surprise, I found myself on the other side of the argument.  If a prison inmate can demonstrate need and doctor's approval, I'm in favor of them receiving whatever treatment they need.  This probably stems from my goody-two-shoes (which are black patent, by the way) attitude that I truly want to help those in prison become better persons.  Yes, it's probably pie-in-the-sky, but I would rather try to do good for someone rather than nothing at all.

Chelsea Manning recently came out as trans and plans to transition while in prison.  Apart from the crimes this person committed (as determined by a military court of law), if you can find anything on the personal life of Chelsea, you will see that this is a person who was possibly preyed upon by others, was already terribly confused in her personal life, and could have really used good counsel from friends, family, and church which she apparently never got.  That's already a great tragedy in anyone's life.  She has to live this tragedy along with the tragedy that sent her to a military prison.

Long story short, when you say your prayers at night, I think this is a person worth mentioning in those prayers.  Pray that she gets the help she needs.  When looking for great things to happen in people's lives, the Good Lord is always first on the list to seek that help from.


Friday, August 23, 2013

College, Sororities, Co-eds, and Cheerleaders. Oh my!

I was returning home from work this evening and passed by one of the local colleges.  Classes start Monday and all the students were returning to their dormitories and apartments.  The university seemed to be a sea of organized chaos.  There were groups of students and parents taking tours of the campus.  New students were gathered around bus stops trying to decipher the various routes.  Professors were opening their offices and checking their mail at the union.  Oh, and many of the young college ladies were sporting some of the cutest back to school fashions I had ever seen!  I was in autogynephillia heaven.

It's been a few years since I was a college student, but while traveling down one particular street that was lined with fraternity and sorority houses, I recalled some memories that I had never fully considered before.  I actively dated when I was in college.  In hindsight my autogynephilia was probably a bigger factor than I realized at the time.  I now wonder what role it played in the women I dated and even for the reasons I dated them.

Sex was never a big issue with any of the women I dated.  At least it wasn't for me.  Part of that was due to my Christian upbringing, but part of it I later found was due to my gender issues.  The one thing I dislike the most during intimacy is for my partner to remind me that I am the man.  It sounds like I'm making a joke, but when I close my eyes, I'm not fantasizing that my partner is Sofia Vergara -- I'm fantasizing that I am Sofia Vergara (or at least a woman).  No offense to Ms. Vergara whom I am told is a wonderful person, talented actress, and drop-dead gorgeous!

And speaking of fraternities and sororities, I also recalled that during college I was never interested in fraternities.  They actually seemed like a waste of time to me.  My girlfriend's sorority, on the other hand, was very interesting.  I was not interested in the sorority as in a man's interest in the women of the sorority.  I was interested in socializing with them as a person who wanted to be a part of their group.  I thought my girlfriend's sorority sisters were wonderful people while the guys in the fraternities I was eligible to join were neanderthals.

Back in the stone age days when I was in college, I used that opportunity to research my gender issues.  I would find any book I could at the library, find a quiet corner, and read and study, searching for magazine articles, microfilm, anything.  Back then I was given two options -- transvestite or transexual -- and neither option seemed a perfect fit.  Contacting others who had similar interests involved obtaining contact magazines that were generally sold in stores I would rather not frequent.  I found others, discovered it was best to embrace my "hobby", and waited for science to catch up with what I knew and theorized.  I thank the Good Lord for seeing me through all this and also thank Him for how much better current college students have it.

Kids today have the internet, social media, videophones, walkie-talkie wristwatches, and flying cars.  Okay, maybe they don't have access to all that as of yet, but they have access to lots more knowledge, lots more science, and lots more people for support.  It's common now for colleges to even have student crossdressing clubs and organizations.  In a way, it makes me proud of these young people.

If I ever go back to college, I've already picked the perfect gown to wear when I get my sorority pin.  Or maybe I'll just be happy with the way things are today.