Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My Pen Ran Out of Ink

Uh, yeah.... Sorry for the lack of entries lately, but that's my story and I'm sticking with it!

Good heavens, I have been so busy lately. My days have run from eight in the morning to past midnight, and I feel like I have constantly been running like a madwoman. My favourite heels are about an inch shorter due to all the wear and tear. Of course, that still leaves about four inches of heel left.... Okay, I'm joking about the heels I wear. If my mother ever caught me in heels that high she would kill me. Afterwards, she would probably later dis-member my body and quietly dispose of the evidence if I was also wearing a dress, but that is another story. I always wear sensible heels and have even been known to wear flats, which, in my opinion, definitely separates me (autogynephiliac) from crossdressers.

I wanted to make a quick post about Halloween, which I am very excited about as I actually have plans for a night out this year. I've been living the life of a hermit the past few years (an attractive female hermit, but still a hermit), and haven't done anything on Halloween. This is the unofficial crossdresser's national holiday! If I can't dress on this day, then there is something wrong with the good old U.S. of A.

Now don't forget, in the profile to the side, I state that I am a conservative Christian, and that stands 24/7. I'll be out with friends enjoying a moderately quiet evening. I haven't worked out all the details of what I will be wearing, but there will be nothing exposed that shouldn't be, and no garb that others might find offensive. My ultimate dream is to go as Elvira, but will be unable to pull that off this year.

I've known many crossdressers who have told me that one of their biggest thrills in their younger days was dressing as a girl for Halloween and going trick or treating with parents and siblings. I've had strong fantasies, dreams, and desires of being a woman ever since I was young, say 5 or 6 years old. But I never dressed as a girl for Halloween when I was a kid. I'm not sure why that was. Frankly, I don't think I even considered the idea. I seemed content to daydream of being a girl, play in my mother's old clothes when no one was looking, but never to ask to dress like a girl on the one day of the year when most folks would have thought nothing about it. Currently I wonder if this might be due more to autogynephilia than to classic crossdressing or transvestism. As it is, I have a lot of lost time to make up for.

Still, those heels will have to be a moderate height. Mom may have raised me as a boy, but she raised me with values and morals so that whether guy or gal, I knew what she expected of me.

Kelli Y


  1. about dressing for halloween, i had just the same experience. In my country we have carnival in march(?) but the result is similar. I'm now a pre-op TS and i have had feelings of me being a girl form early age same as you. About the costuming in the year period when it is normally accepted, i never costumed and never went to events/parties. I discussed this in the course of my therapy and reached my inner motive. In that moments i was sure i will be in the eyes of others as a boy dressed as a girl and not a girl in whichever costume i had on, and this locked me out from *all* major and minor social events for literally years.

    It was as i had on my *boy* costume 24/7 and the i put on my *girl* costume over the boy one.

    Instead what I was searching for was to *remove* the boy costume and to integrate my *girl essence* what, on appropriate occasions, may well be in costume, but still a girl underneath.

    I think for me was more of an identity thing that a dressing thing, and i think also that this is an excellent example of the core difference between a crossdresser and a transexual going full steam ahead on the path of her SRS.

    I would love to know your opinion on this.


  2. I love the way you described your transexualism -- girl on the inside with a boy facade, and crossdressing felt like a girl facade on top of the boy facade on top of the inner woman. I can completely relate to that.

    I've written before about how I often feel feminine on the inside and feel I must force myself to act masculine because people around me, in normal situations, will see a man and will not fully understand the situation if that man is acting feminine.

    Our similarities seem to end there. I am content to fantasize about being a woman with only my mind. I crossdress on occasion, but if for some reason I could never crossdress again, I could live with that just fine. My fantasy is about becoming a woman. If a team of doctors suddenly appeared in my home and said they were ready right then and there to turn me into the woman I have always fantasized about becoming, I cannot say with any certainty whether or not I would take their offer.

    A dear friend of mine was transexual. In our talks, she often told me she had to have a sex change. She knew she had to do this, her doctor knew she had to do this, and after talking with her many times I knew she had to do this. She was not content with fantasies or simple crossdressing, she was changing her life for the better because it was the right thing to do and she was decisive and committed in her actions. The last I heard from her she was on her way to Colorado for SRS.

    All of this is just my humble opinion, but it is the way I see it. Having lived with this all my life, studied it, and been through therapy about it, I can confidently say I am autogynephliac. My friend had lived with this all her life, studied it, and gone through therapy about it and could confidently say she was transexual. It's something you have to thoroughly know yourself so you can reach your own conclusion confidently.

    I hope and pray you find much success and happiness as you decide what to do about that boy costume.