Thursday, September 30, 2010

Freaked Out By God

When it comes to God, I don't believe in coincidences. I don't believe in random acts converging into something momentous. I don't believe in accidents, and I don't believe in luck (even though I am notorious for saying "I was just lucky" when something happens). I believe God's works happen for a reason, and that they happen in a practical and orderly fashion. I may be transgendered. I may be autogynephiliac. I may even be a crossdresser. But I also love my Lord, and believe that as long as I put Him first in my life, all other matters, including "Kelli", will be taken care of.

I love church work as well. I think most folks think of church work as preaching or something, but there's lots more to it. There's outreach, giving folks rides to church, giving tithes, changing the light bulbs in the children's Sunday school classroom, mowing the yard, and publicizing your church. Recently, I've been invited to help out more in the church as Kelly, and have been very eager to do so, but there was one thing I didn't count on, and that was Kelli.

I'm still trying to sort some of this out, so please bear with me. I've alluded to, in previous entries, how when I am out and about as Kelly -- a male -- and I am acting "properly" as Kelly, I have no problems. Shoot! I might as well say it as the 300 pound gorilla is sitting in the room with me anyway. If I'm out and about as Kelly, and I start acting the least bit like Kelli (my female side who regards herself as pretty girlish), then I sometimes give people the wrong impression. A woman who acts feminine is considered normal. A man who acts feminine is not considered normal, and since I need to address the 300 pound gorilla who is staring at me right now, that man is probably going to be considered a homosexual whether he is or ain't.... Okay, the gorilla is no longer staring at me and is off to steal bananas from my kitchen.

This is something I have thought about and studied about for a long time. I am not gay -- never have been, and can confidently state that I don't think I ever will be gay. Now let us completely leave the subject of homosexuality for a moment and walk to the other side of the room while the gorilla is still in the kitchen. I am a crossdresser, an autogynephiliac, transgendered, and a conservative Christian. Unfortunately, the average person on the street still includes transgendered people with homosexuals, and our cause is not helped by the militant transgendered and transexuals who align themselves under a big blanket group labeled LGBT. TG and gay are not in any way related, and I have never understood why informed people would insist that they should go together. Homosexuality still has a negative stigma in this country as does transgenderism. I'm doing what I can to change that with transgenderism, but not at the expense of anything or anyone who has a high priority in my life.

Maybe I'm starting to get off track a little bit. Point is, if I am doing church work of any sort as Kelly, it needs to be done strictly as Kelly with as little to no input from Kelli as possible. Doing so would be sending mixed messages no matter what I was doing, and a house divided will not stand.

The part of this little episode that completely freaked me out and had me praying and soul-searching for days was a dream I had last week. In the dream, I was a woman. I was Kelli, and I was in church. It was beautiful. I was dressed beautifully and appropriately for Sunday morning services. Sunlight was filtering through the windows, and the sanctuary was full of people praising God with hymns and Gospel songs. I can't fully describe the joy and peace I felt at that moment. Everything was so beautiful and you could feel God's Spirit moving through the service. The pastor called for a couple of volunteers to help collect the offering. This is normally done by deacons or elders at my church. I'm not anything like that at church, but I started to walk towards the front to volunteer. I was stopped by a loud voice that seemed to come from everywhere at once that said You can't serve me, Kelli. I found myself totally freaked and totally awake at three in the morning.

I believe the message was this: God's got specific tasks for me in my life as Kelly, and He's got specific tasks for me in my life as Kelli, and based on the way the world is today, those tasks are not interchangeable between the two. Kelli is free to roam all over the internet and physically visit lots of churches here in town. Kelly can too, but must go in a different direction. Maybe instead of thinking of it as some sort of limitation, I should look at it as an opportunity to cover twice as much ground.

I'm slowly getting over the freaked-out part. I can't remember the last time I was freaked-out that badly over a dream! I was doing better at blog posts and hopefully that will resume. For those who disagree with me in any way over this post, that 300 pound gorilla would probably be willing to side with you if he hasn't left my kitchen yet. Oh no. He's on the sofa again....



  1. I wonder if you have considered counseling. I can tell you can see both sides of a families disagreements. You have the unique abilitity to see both genders sides of family's problems. My wife during the first years of our marriage brought me to the Lord. It took some time to find out that women don't think like men. You know this as you have seen both side of the coin so to speck.
    Helping one another can be so rewarding.

  2. Kelli,

    I think you're spot on in that the Lord has specific tasks for you in each "role". However, dreams are one thing. Doing it IRL is another. For example...

    Jim is in the worship group in his church. During the Sunday morning service, I step out of the way so Jim can be himself. But during practice on an undisclosed weekday, sometimes I'll jump in, offering suggestions and hints. Having a good musical background and jazz chops has helped the sound of the group, methinks.

    A really amazing thing happened at the last practice. We were working on a song and we were really getting into it and praising the Lord, and I noticed as we were praising intently it was me as Sarah praising. I'm wondering if the Lord really has a place for me as Sarah in the real world.

    I know that showing up on a Sunday morning in the wig and dress that makes up the physical Sarah would not go well. Decency dictates that. But could Sarah's musical talent be useful in a worship setting even though it's behind the scenes, so to say? I believe that God uses all of us for his good purposes. I also believe that means Jim as Jim, and also Jim as Sarah. Then again I could be off the mark. Help me here please.