Sunday, March 24, 2019
As far as conservative christian, I am a member of the Baptist church. I know what you are thinking -- those folks are not the friendliest towards transgendered people. You may be right, but I am also still in the closet as to my transgenderism. Oh, I've been out and about many times en femme, but I don't broadcast it. I'm not making a statement when I go out en femme, I'm simply enjoying a moment. I've never attended a church service dressed as a woman, and the church I attend would never want me to do that even if they knew about my transgenderism. That's okay with me. I have absolutely no complaints or regrets. Many christians have false or outdated notions about transgenderism, but I am confident things will improve with time, patience, and love. In my time left on this earth my church may not allow me to dress as a woman for services, but if they ever know about me they may one day respond with Biblical love instead of shunning me (which I don't believe is a Biblical response).
A coping method I use in life when confronting a situation is imagining the worse possible outcome and preparing for that. For me, my church learning of my transgenderism would be bad, and I have decided that the worse possible outcome would be the congregation retrieving all the pitch forks and torches from the hall closet and chasing me out of town. I have since examined that hall closet and found no pitch forks or torches. Sometimes our imagined fears are the scariest things we will ever face. Gotta smile, because no matter what, I know God loves me.
Now as for politics, over the years I have voted for everyone from libertarians to socialists. I vote issues, so specific political parties can never really count on my vote every time. Also, many years ago, I realized that the subject of politics was becoming extremely polarizing in the U.S. For example, no matter which party wins the presidency, the opposing party in recent elections has verbally vented their displeasure in obscene and alarming terms. I will have no part of this and not be associated with those who act in such a uncivil manner, so I have a rule over NEVER discussing politics... ever!
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
I've obsessed over various things throughout the years. Some would say my transgenderism was an obsession, and I guess I couldn't really argue about that although it seems to be a bit more permanent than the average obsession. I've obsessed over various women, clothes, music, and places. My latest obsession seems strangest yet as I am currently obsessing over an image I found on the internet.
This image is technically an animated GIF (sorry if I pronounced that incorrectly) and from a page of TG caps. Yes, even us christian TG gals like TG caps (although I draw the line at excessive sex and vulgar language). This one is not even 100% TG as it also contains references to sissies, slaves, hypnosis, and masters. I would re post it here on my blog, but there is a modest amount of nudity (the back of a naked woman is shown) and I like keeping my blog family friendly.
When I first saw the image, I immediately saved it to my computer. Later, I moved it to my desktop so I could access it quickly anytime I needed to do so. Last night I put it on my cell phone and glanced at it dozens of times while at work today. This is highly pleasurable and annoying at the same time, not to mention the time lost at work looking at a stupid picture! Just looking at the picture and imagining myself as the woman calms me. I can actually feel my breathing and heart rate slowing. It's also very encouraging as I have recently started a diet and exercise program and have already set this woman as a goal (yes, I know I will never get there, but I can be closer than I am now).
I've never asked another transgendered person if they obsess, but would love to hear from those that do. As long as the effects of that obsession are positive, I know I shouldn't complain and just embrace the positive aspects. Still, it bugs me that I have so little self discipline to let this control me. Ah, what will be will be.
Thursday, February 7, 2019
Then, social media started getting nosey. Since more and more of our lives was being recorded online, it was easier for social media to begin forming databases of who we were and what we were doing. Social media began suggesting that we contact "these folks" who shared common interests, or did we know about these distant relatives that we had never met, or did you know that you live five minutes away from a White Castle? At this moment in time, social media probably knows as much about Kelli as it does my male side.
Since I am one and the same person, there is online overlap between my male and female sides. An example of this would be online friends both Kelli and my male side follow and communicate with. Both sides also have people that communicate exclusively with either the male or female side. This includes businesses as well.
So a year or so ago I was shocked when my male side received a friend suggestion from Google + that I should be friends with Kelli. I later laughed and joked that it was because we lived in the same neighborhood. Still, what I didn't realize was that it was a case of social media (even Google +) getting smarter and more curious about each of us.
Now most all of us with a smart phone are also living with a Siri, Alexa, or Cortana, and these gals are now freaking me out. I will verbally mention that I am interested in something while talking to a friend, and the next time I go online I'll see advertisements for that very item. Has my smart phone been listening to me?
The latest incident spooked me pretty good, although most folks wouldn't give it a second thought. (I do get a little paranoid every now and then.) Last Christmas I bought my first Barbie doll. I had always lamented the fact that as a boy I wasn't allowed to play with them, and now that I am an adult I can do so without getting into trouble. And this Barbie is perfect for me. She is a musician Barbie, came with her own guitar and electric piano, and is dressed in a style that would suit me perfectly -- grey knit short-sleeved top and blue white print skirt to just above the knees with tennis shoes. I fell in love with her and currently have her on my desk watching my computer screen.
A couple times since I have anonymously been on big store websites and glanced through a few Barbie accessories just to see if something caught my eye, but that was my only activity online. I mentioned Barbie a few times at home in the company of my smart phone, but didn't think anything about it. Then last night, I logged into YouTube as Kelli. Suggested videos popped onto the screen that included lots of Barbie videos. Why did this happen? I never knew there were Barbie videos! I'm not really interested in Barbie videos! How did YouTube generate this suggestion?
Just wait. Before long, I'll be online as Kelli and Alexa will remind me I need more shaving creme, or my male side will be on social media which will remind me that Kelli's birthday is next week and I should buy her some lingerie. I hate to stereotype, but these gals just can't keep a secret!