Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Same Although Different

In reading the past few entries, I feel I've covered enough ground concerning why I think this blog will be a bit different from most, and why I feel a bit different even within the TG community. I'm sure I'll be writing on this subject again, but I also wanted to say something about how I seem to be the same as most everyone in the TG community.

I noticed that, gender wise, I was not like other children early in my youth. I remember I wanted to play house with the other girls in pre-school. In elementary school I hated sports. I was something of "my own man" throughout public school, just being myself and coping with whatever consequences that brought on. People who didn't like me considered me a loner or the "creepy quiet guy". My friends, the people I hung out with, considered me one of them, and didn't notice anything unusual about me (and thus negating the loner and "creepy quiet guy" labels).

I kept pretty quiet about my feelings. I remember finding quiet time alone with a box of old knitting and fashion magazines. I would stare at the ads for "breast enhancement creams", figure enhancing female undergarments, the latest fashions for spring, and amazing sex secrets to attract any man. I remember noticing my body was changing as I was physically maturing, and I wondered why I couldn't mature into a beautiful young woman. That is what I wanted more than anything else at the time.

When I was about ten years old, I saw a story on the news that shocked me -- a man on the local police force was undergoing a sex change operation and would be returning to work as a woman. I thought to myself "That could be me!"

Like many young TGs, the moment I moved away into a place of my own, I began working on my feminine side. Back in the days before the internet, the most common place to start was the local "adult bookstore" (more appropriately called the "local porn dealer"). I found a few transgender-themed porn magazines I could tolerate (I'm not a big porn fan), but within those magazines I actually found ads for legitimate businesses and organizations that let me know transgenderism was not something to be placed under the classification or "perversion" or "adult porn industry".

I began buying copies of the magazine from I.F.G.E. (I forgot what it was called back then), CrossTalk, and others. Thanks to the contacts section, I was able to find a cross dressing group about 90 miles from where I was living. I carefully contacted them and my progress continued.

There were setbacks along the way. A couple of times when I moved, I completely purged myself of anything Kelli. When I look back at all the clothes, books, and magazines I destroyed, I consider it a great tragedy, especially now that I know how silly it was to purge myself of those things. Transgenderism does not go away simply because you deny it.

The internet has been heaven-sent in my opinion, for people like us. If it had been around back when I was undergoing counseling, I often wonder how much further I could have gone in those sessions (the sessions went very well, I'm glad I went, and I recommend counseling to those who need it).

Long story short, I'm now much happier. There's more peace between my male and female sides, and since I came to the conclusion that neither one of those sides is going away, this is the best possible outcome for all (myself and those around me).


1 comment:

  1. I like your blog here so far. I find it very interesting and educational.

    I found it interesting on the aspect of religion and how you related it to TG. I never really looked at it that way before. I guess it never mattered to me anyway since I have all but given up on religion anyway. Had nothing to do with this stuff by the way. lol

    Anyways, I really like your blog so far and look forward to reading more posts from you. :)