Monday, March 22, 2010


Way back in the "dark ages", back before the internet, back before anyone had ever heard the word "transgendered", back when people who were undergoing sex change operations were front page legitimate news, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth (okay, not that far back!), I began coming to terms with my transgenderism. I realized that I did not fit into the gender norms of the day. I realized this was causing me personal harm and confusion. I realized that the only way to make this "problem" better was to admit I had a "problem" and begin working towards a solution. [NOTE TO ACTIVISTS: When I used the word "problem", I used it in the context of how I viewed my situation in the past. I no longer view transgenderism as a "problem" as defined by current modern usage.]

The first legitimate treatises I found on gender confusion were a couple of books in a large university library. At the time, the books focused on two distinct classifications -- cross dressing, and transexualism. It's time now for the first entries in Kelli's Simplified Dictionary of Scary Words. These are simple definitions of words as I use them.

  • cross dress -- to wear clothes of the opposite sex.
  • transexual -- a person who either strongly desires to undergo, or has undergone sex reassignment surgery.
  • homosexual -- attraction to the same sex.
  • heterosexual -- attraction to the opposite sex.
This raised as many questions as it answered. I now had clinical definitions of the day, but I didn't seem to really fit either one of those definitions. If I had a choice in the matter, I would have chosen cross dress, as it seemed safer and simpler, but my gut feelings leaned towards transexualism, which I found a bit scary and with less than satisfying results.

I kept digging. I began visiting "adult bookstores" (more aptly called "porn stores") and buying what I could find on the subject. Apart from the surprisingly large amount of porn I discovered on the subject, I did find some legitimate and helpful magazines. These magazines introduced me to some more satisfyingly applicable definitions.

  • transgendered -- a sort of blanket term for those in gender identity situations.
  • tranny -- generally a pre-op transexual (one who has undergone partial sex reassignment). Usually used in a pornographic context.
  • she-male -- see "tranny".
  • female impersonator -- male who does his best to present himself as a woman to the point of fooling his audience into thinking he is a woman. Generally used in the context of stage shows.
  • drag queen -- think female impersonators on steroids. They generally present over the top caricatures of female personas.
I took on the term "transgendered" to describe my personal situation. Again, I still had not found a definition that really fit my situation, and it was causing me lots of grief (which I'll mention in other posts). I saw a therapist for over a year who asked me what I thought I was. I told him I was afraid I was transexual. To my surprise, he said he didn't think I was transexual, and in the end he helped me with lots of other problems I had which had masked my true problems and fogged my reasoning. It's a good case of what a competent counselor can do for you.

A few years later, the internet came along. I continued researching and studying on my situation. I told myself and others that I was a cross dresser and met many other cross dressers, but all the while I felt that I didn't completely fit the mold. It was like trying to fit a sexagon into an octagonal hole. I finally came across a term that seemed to explain my situation perfectly, and wouldn't you know it, it is fairly new and controversial. That term is autogynephilia.

I came across Jack Molay's blog which is now called Crossdreamers, and it made perfect sense to me. Here's the definition:

  • autogynephilia -- a man who fantasizes that he is a woman.
I believe I have come across a definition that finally applies to me, and I'll be writing more about it later, but at the time I first came across this person's blog and read their thoughts (he goes into lots of detail and professional language), bells, lights, and whistles began sounding in my brain. I had an epiphany of epiphanies. I had finally discovered what this roadblock was in my life, and I could deal with it and move forward.

More later....

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