Describing My TGism...

Please consider the following picture:

I said in a previous post that I was not planning to post any pictures on my blog. That was before I came across this partial picture of a nude woman (thus making her only partially nude, and keeping my blog relatively family friendly) and realized this presented a great opportunity to describe my transgenderism.

I know from associating with various "normal" guys that if you present them with such a beautiful woman (clothed or not), you will hear responses such as: Whoa! Dang! Check out the [insert favorite body part here] on her! What I wouldn't do to her in bed! Etc., etc. The old notion that guys generally have one thing on their mind when dealing with women seems to be true. Guys generally take great pride in their sex drive.

For a transgendered person such as myself, that is normally not the first thing I think about when I see an attractive woman. If I like the clothes she is wearing, I'll find myself thinking That would look good even on me! or I'd have to work on my waistline before I tried something like that on. I might find myself envying her hair or her figure. I've known women who completely changed their look just by knowing how to use makeup correctly, and I have always been amazed by that. Or I might find myself wishing that I could just be myself (female) and do what she is doing, whether it's walking down the street, having a cup of coffee in a cafe, or working in an office.

Instead of aspiring to manly ambitions, goals, and models, like becoming a great sports hero, scaling Mt. Everest, or having my own private harem, I was born with some "crossed wires" so I would much rather aspire to be pretty, successful, and attractive. Instead of the little boy idolizing his big brother, I'm the little girl idolizing her big sister. Freud said men have penis envy. I've got Venus envy! That's what makes me (transgendered/autogynephiliac) different from guys.

An incredibly strong fantasy life is one of the hallmarks of autogynephilia. These fantasies of mine can leave me physically aching in my desire to be female, yet a sense of relief when I leave that fantasy world and face the real world as a man. Even "leaving" my fantasies for reality is not the end of the story as I personally keep some fantasies with me at all times (more on that later). Autogynephilia is as much if not more so in the mind rather than the body, and those thoughts and desires sometimes seem to take on a life and energy that I just can't seem to stop.

In a world filled with all makes and models of women (sorry for the car terminology), there is no end to the inspiration of my fantasies. For those reading my blog who are transgendered, how many times have you turned on the tv and seen an ad for some amazing body fitness product that used a beautiful model in a bikini. That model spoke on how the fitness device got her into the sexy shape that she now enjoyed and you thought to yourself If only it would work that well on me! I doubt very seriously that "normal" guys have thoughts like that.

When you take a step back and look at a situation like mine, you have to smile a little and possibly even laugh a little. There are people out there with various character quirks and hang-ups that sound ridiculous, but have debilitating results. My "quirk" sounds just as silly as some of theirs -- I like to dress, fantasize, and take on the role of a woman. By the grace and guidance of The Good Lord, I've learned to live with this "quirk" (even embrace it at times) without debilitating results, going out of my mind, or chopping off unnecessary body parts.

Kelli