Purging the Internet

In my last post I referenced the fact that I had greatly refined and reduced my time spent surfing the internet.  After following this new practice for about a month, I have to admit I'm a bit surprised at the results.  I'm extremely happy with the newly freed hours in my life that have been claimed by more important and fruitful pursuits, yet I feel like I have a bit of a hangover from drinking in too much of what the internet offers.  This is probably due to the addictive nature of my problem, and I'm confident it will decrease in intensity as I do my best to temper my online activities.

One of the first things I did when attacking this problem was deciding to rid myself of all "porn".  I've placed the word "porn" in quotations for the moment only because I feel the need to qualify.  Porn is bad, no matter what.  I consider myself a good Christian girl from the midwest, so having to deal with this issue is doubly shameful to me.  But, I think I got pulled into some porn because I don't view porn like non-transgendered men.

It is a rite of young manhood that you will be exposed to porn.  I found myself in such situations when I was young.  However, in my case, it didn't matter if it was magazines or videos, I was never interested in any sort of porn, straight, gay, or fetish.  I attribute part of this to my Christian upbringing, and part to just confusion in my mind as I found myself fantasizing about being a woman and couldn't figure out where that placed me in the straight-gay-fetish timeline.

When the internet came along, a whole new world opened up to the transgender community.  Tons of beneficial information and resources suddenly became available worldwide, and along with all this information came tons of bad things like porn.  The porn industry has its tentacles firmly entrenched in the internet and does its best to infiltrate and pervert those areas of the internet that shun pornography.  If you don't believe me, try doing an internet search for something completely innocent, such as searching for a favorite children's cartoon character, and see how far you have to go in the search results before you start coming across XXX sites.

My progression in internet surfing went like this:  started with bona fide and legitimate TG websites, followed by websites featuring TG artwork, followed by TG caption and fiction websites, followed by websites featuring nicely and appropriately attired cross dressers, followed by racy and adult TG artwork, and capped with websites featuring cross dressers who "let it all hang out".

One day I took a step back and noticed that last group of websites -- letting it all hang out.  On one hand, I enjoyed how feminine some of these cross dressers looked.  On the other hand, they completely ruined their feminine appearance by proclaiming their masculinity.  It was then that I noticed I was on a slippery slope and didn't like where I was heading.  Something that appears both good and bad will ultimately just be bad for you in the long run.

I enjoy pictures of feminine cross dressers.  I admire the work they put into looking like a woman.  I admire their taste in clothes.  I admire that they were brave enough to take that photo of themselves in the middle of Disneyland, or some such public place.  Nothing wrong with that.  The "let it all hang out" pictures proclaimed a pornographic aspect that I had never wanted in my life, but had sneaked in through an open window.  I had to close that window, sweep out the house, and reclaim my home.

If Kelli Land was an actual place, I would want it to be a place the whole family could come with no fear that anything inappropriate would be within reach of anyone -- young or old, male or female.  I don't want Kelli Land to be a glorified adult book store.  I'm better than that, and by getting rid of the bad in my life, I've got more time for the good which will prove that I'm better.

Kelli

On Bathrooms, Deuteronomy, and Freedom

There are certain questions and topics that frequently arise in the life of the everyday T-girl. "Which bathroom do you use?" seems to be one of the most common inquiries. Personally, I try to avoid it, but there have been times when I have used the ladies room. I've always waited until it was empty for safety and politeness, and usually tried to find "single seaters" where I can lock the door and enjoy some privacy.

Years ago, I attended several Help Me, Accept Me meetings at the Dallas, Texas Gay and Lesbian Center. I would arrive partially dressed and scurry into the restroom to apply the finishing touches. There was always a long line of T-girls at the women's restroom, so I would duck into the men's room and be finished before everyone else. Looking back, the scene was a bit comical. I remember another T-girl seemed to disapprove of my actions and questioned me about my choice. I replied, "Are you kidding?! We're all TGs here!" My practical outlook on things seemed to negate the need for restrooms designated for two specific genders when everyone in attendance was pretty much the same. Some may not agree with me on that point, but I still try to be practical in all things.

It was when I first began coming to terms with my transgenderism that I came across Deuteronomy 22:5 -- The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God. That seemed to seal my fate. I was definitely some sort of pervert in the eyes of the Lord. This was going to be a demerit on my record for the rest of my life, end of conversation, subject closed.

Then I learned about context. Everything in the Bible is spoken in the context of the day, and in the context with the rest of the Bible. Have you ever seen pictures of how good Israelites dressed back then? There was not a lot of difference as they pretty much wore robes. This piqued my curiosity. Then I looked at this verse within the context of the surrounding verses and found no context -- this verse of instruction stands by itself with no explanation.

I turned to some well-established theologians and commentators who felt this verse was a warning to the Israelites about some of the pagan practices of their neighbors. These pagans would cross dress to serve false gods and idols. This led me to believe that the intention of this verse was less about what a person wore than what he or she did. This makes practical sense to me. It makes sense that God would be angry at one of His children for turning their back on Him and going after an idol. Does God care if I wear guy's or gal's jeans? Does God care if a woman wears pants or skirts? Does God care if I wear heels or flats? These matters seem trivial and of no importance in light of the historical context. The focus is not on how I look but on how I'm serving.

Matthew 23:25-26 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. (26) Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also. When Christ came to this earth, He fulfilled both the Law and the Prophets. One of His revolutionary teachings was on the correct motivations of the heart. Our reasons for action and intentions are as important if not more important than our physical actions. In the quote above, Christ was confronting a bunch of religious leaders who were so wrapped up in legalism and ritualism, and the power and prestige of their office, that they forgot the most basic aspect of God -- love. The scribes and Pharisees loved the applause and praise of the people for being "holier than thou", but gave little thought about how God viewed their actions and intent.

And don't forget, the New Teatment looks back and fulfills the context of the Old Testament, while the Old looks forward to the New for completion.

I'm probably not doing a very good job of conveying my thoughts, but here is an extreme example: It's okay to cross dress. It's not okay to cross dress and rob a bank. Why? Because it's not okay to rob a bank period! Hitting a little bit closer to home, it's also not okay to cross dress with the malicious intent to mislead someone.

Now why did I and many other people have to work so hard to come to the conclusion that cross dressing in and of itself is okay? Well, it wasn't God's fault, I can assure you. Fact is, we live in an imperfect world where there is sin, and the old devil himself is a master of lies, deceit, and misdirection. The devil can use his tricks on believers just as he can unbelievers. It's up to those who know The Truth to encourage others in The Truth and lead still others to The Truth.

Maybe I'll come back to this topic again. In the meantime, I'll try to prepare myself so I can better address it. My poor writing on religious matters has helped me have empathy with Moses when at the burning bush he said "I am slow of tongue".

Kelli

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Now that I have put things more or less into a frame of reference by using Kelli's Simplified Dictionary of Scary Words, I need to explain another highly important aspect of my being. In fact, it is the most important aspect of my being. I am a Christian -- born again believer, follower of the way, a member of those who have been redeemed, one of the saints, etc. In my profile, I actually go one step further and state that I am a conservative Christian. I am a member of a "mainline" denomination (you pass by our church buildings and schools everyday) and was saved in my youth.

WAIT!!! DON'T STOP READING YET!!! THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO EXPLAIN!!!

Okay. Let's look at Kelli's Simplified Dictionary of Scary Words to put my religious beliefs in context.

• conservative Christian -- holding established and/or moderate views and interpretations as found in the Holy Scriptures (Bible).

Nowhere in that definition will you find any mention of transgenderism, autogynephilia, cross dressing, or transexualism. Using common interpretations of the Bible, you will find very little, if anything, on those subjects.

On the flip side of the coin, transgenderism, autogynephilia, cross dressing, and transexualism make no demands that a person observe any sort of religious or philosophical belief system on anything.

BOTTOM LINE: Christianity and TGism (transgenderism, autogynephilia, cross dressing, transexualism) are not at odds with each other. A man putting on a woman's silk blouse, or a woman putting on a favourite piece of male attire does not make them a sinner!

Now immediately, there are many out there that are going to say "Yay! Kelli Roberts said I could dress like a woman and attend my favourite Pentecostal/Church of Christ/Methodist/Baptist/Presbyterian/Catholic/Salvationist/etc. church and it was okay!" My response to that is "No, I did not say that, and, no, you probably could not do that." That opens up a whole other can of worms, and I'll have to deal with that in another post.

What I wanted to do in this post was to let you know that a lot of people (trans and non-trans) have issues with many things that, in the sight of the Lord, don't warrant issue status. A transgendered person is not sinning by dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex, but a person falsely accusing that transgendered person of sin, is actually the one who is committing sin. It probably won't happen in my lifetime, but I am committed to ridding the world of both scenarios. God's Word was designed to bring good things to mankind. In the hands of sinful man that message is sometimes corrupted and looses some of its goodness.

Kelli