In my last post I referenced the fact that I had greatly refined and reduced my time spent surfing the internet. After following this new practice for about a month, I have to admit I'm a bit surprised at the results. I'm extremely happy with the newly freed hours in my life that have been claimed by more important and fruitful pursuits, yet I feel like I have a bit of a hangover from drinking in too much of what the internet offers. This is probably due to the addictive nature of my problem, and I'm confident it will decrease in intensity as I do my best to temper my online activities.
One of the first things I did when attacking this problem was deciding to rid myself of all "porn". I've placed the word "porn" in quotations for the moment only because I feel the need to qualify. Porn is bad, no matter what. I consider myself a good Christian girl from the midwest, so having to deal with this issue is doubly shameful to me. But, I think I got pulled into some porn because I don't view porn like non-transgendered men.
It is a rite of young manhood that you will be exposed to porn. I found myself in such situations when I was young. However, in my case, it didn't matter if it was magazines or videos, I was never interested in any sort of porn, straight, gay, or fetish. I attribute part of this to my Christian upbringing, and part to just confusion in my mind as I found myself fantasizing about being a woman and couldn't figure out where that placed me in the straight-gay-fetish timeline.
When the internet came along, a whole new world opened up to the transgender community. Tons of beneficial information and resources suddenly became available worldwide, and along with all this information came tons of bad things like porn. The porn industry has its tentacles firmly entrenched in the internet and does its best to infiltrate and pervert those areas of the internet that shun pornography. If you don't believe me, try doing an internet search for something completely innocent, such as searching for a favorite children's cartoon character, and see how far you have to go in the search results before you start coming across XXX sites.
My progression in internet surfing went like this: started with bona fide and legitimate TG websites, followed by websites featuring TG artwork, followed by TG caption and fiction websites, followed by websites featuring nicely and appropriately attired cross dressers, followed by racy and adult TG artwork, and capped with websites featuring cross dressers who "let it all hang out".
One day I took a step back and noticed that last group of websites -- letting it all hang out. On one hand, I enjoyed how feminine some of these cross dressers looked. On the other hand, they completely ruined their feminine appearance by proclaiming their masculinity. It was then that I noticed I was on a slippery slope and didn't like where I was heading. Something that appears both good and bad will ultimately just be bad for you in the long run.
I enjoy pictures of feminine cross dressers. I admire the work they put into looking like a woman. I admire their taste in clothes. I admire that they were brave enough to take that photo of themselves in the middle of Disneyland, or some such public place. Nothing wrong with that. The "let it all hang out" pictures proclaimed a pornographic aspect that I had never wanted in my life, but had sneaked in through an open window. I had to close that window, sweep out the house, and reclaim my home.
If Kelli Land was an actual place, I would want it to be a place the whole family could come with no fear that anything inappropriate would be within reach of anyone -- young or old, male or female. I don't want Kelli Land to be a glorified adult book store. I'm better than that, and by getting rid of the bad in my life, I've got more time for the good which will prove that I'm better.
Kelli
Showing posts with label purging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label purging. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Purging!
Sorry for not writing lately. I hope and pray that will be changing a bit.
Most all of us have heard of purging, and quite a few of us have done it from time to time. Purging, for the gender-flexible, usually involves ridding our alter ego's of their clothes, books, belongings, etc. I've purged myself of Kelli's things many times over the decades... I mean... years (I can't be THAT old). The reasons have ranged from trying to rid myself of all things feminine in my life to living situations that were less than private to having nosy girlfriends.
For the benefit of younger readers, let me just caution you that purging never improved my condition. Even experts will tell you that your transgenderism, crossdressing, transvestism, transexualism, crossdreaming, gender dysphoria, eonism, whatever the heck you want to call it, etc., will probably not be cured (go away) by purging. Your best course of action is learning to live with it and turning it into something more positive. The only happiness my purging brought about took place in the lives of the ladies who frequented the local thrift stores in my neighborhood.
However, I just purged myself of something that I think will be positive. I just purged myself of the internet (at least a big portion of it). Best I can tell, I think I was addicted to the internet. I could spend hours every day looking at transgender pictures and artwork, saving favorite TG captions to my hard drive, reading the latest TG fiction, etc. I would surf the web every morning up to time to leave for work. After work, the first thing I would do upon arriving home would be to prop up my heels, check my e-mail and start surfing again for a couple more hours. Time for bed? Not before I check the e-mail and Twitter again followed by more surfing.
For some time I felt that this was some sort of compulsive behaviour, but I couldn't see any negative effects. It wasn't until I could no longer deny the fact that I was ignoring other things in my life because I was surfing the internet that I decided something had to change. I finally decided one night a few weeks ago that I was no longer going to surf the internet, resolved that the next day I would commit myself to this change, and went to bed.
Then, things took a strange turn. I got up that morning to check my e-mails before going to work and found my hard drive had been erased. Everything was gone! I was shocked. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before. Then I was very annoyed and a bit angry. True, I had promised that I would no longer surf the internet, but in this day and age I rely very heavily on e-mail and Twitter. I needed a computer for work and personal use. It looked like I was going to be buying a new computer, which I did not look forward to doing.
Later that day, I was looking for some important personal papers. My important paper filing system is very simple, but not very efficient. I take a large box and label it "IMPORTANT PAPERS 201X", and all the important papers I get that year go in that box. It works unless I can't remember the year. So I'm looking in a box of important papers and find... the recovery discs for my computer. What they were doing in a box of important papers, I'll never know. I slapped the discs into the DVD drive and within an hour had a bare-bones computer running once again. I was thrilled and started checking my e-mail.
Looking back on this, I can't help but feel a higher power was giving me a little help in my purging. By ridding my computer of the browser, all my bookmarks, and any files that could easily be used to recreated a papertrail, I got a fresh start that I had never considered. Having my computer wiped of its information has been a terrific blessing.
So now, I spend 2-3 hours a day at home and work on e-mail and Twitter, but that's pretty much all. I have a few (less than six) blogs that I like to check everyday, but none with TG pictures/artwork or such. In other words, they are pretty much "G" rated, or as innocent as TG subjects can be presented. The hours that have been reclaimed for personal living are spent with my music, going outside, more personal interaction, and resuming work on a college degree.
Now if you're wondering if I've been tempted to return to my old ways, the answers is "Good heaven's yes!" I guess it was the first night after I had rebuilt the hard drive on my computer, I was tempted to mindlessly surf the web. As a Christian, I had to chuckle at myself. Does the devil really think I'm that big of a pushover???
Kelli
Most all of us have heard of purging, and quite a few of us have done it from time to time. Purging, for the gender-flexible, usually involves ridding our alter ego's of their clothes, books, belongings, etc. I've purged myself of Kelli's things many times over the decades... I mean... years (I can't be THAT old). The reasons have ranged from trying to rid myself of all things feminine in my life to living situations that were less than private to having nosy girlfriends.
For the benefit of younger readers, let me just caution you that purging never improved my condition. Even experts will tell you that your transgenderism, crossdressing, transvestism, transexualism, crossdreaming, gender dysphoria, eonism, whatever the heck you want to call it, etc., will probably not be cured (go away) by purging. Your best course of action is learning to live with it and turning it into something more positive. The only happiness my purging brought about took place in the lives of the ladies who frequented the local thrift stores in my neighborhood.
However, I just purged myself of something that I think will be positive. I just purged myself of the internet (at least a big portion of it). Best I can tell, I think I was addicted to the internet. I could spend hours every day looking at transgender pictures and artwork, saving favorite TG captions to my hard drive, reading the latest TG fiction, etc. I would surf the web every morning up to time to leave for work. After work, the first thing I would do upon arriving home would be to prop up my heels, check my e-mail and start surfing again for a couple more hours. Time for bed? Not before I check the e-mail and Twitter again followed by more surfing.
For some time I felt that this was some sort of compulsive behaviour, but I couldn't see any negative effects. It wasn't until I could no longer deny the fact that I was ignoring other things in my life because I was surfing the internet that I decided something had to change. I finally decided one night a few weeks ago that I was no longer going to surf the internet, resolved that the next day I would commit myself to this change, and went to bed.
Then, things took a strange turn. I got up that morning to check my e-mails before going to work and found my hard drive had been erased. Everything was gone! I was shocked. Nothing like this had ever happened to me before. Then I was very annoyed and a bit angry. True, I had promised that I would no longer surf the internet, but in this day and age I rely very heavily on e-mail and Twitter. I needed a computer for work and personal use. It looked like I was going to be buying a new computer, which I did not look forward to doing.
Later that day, I was looking for some important personal papers. My important paper filing system is very simple, but not very efficient. I take a large box and label it "IMPORTANT PAPERS 201X", and all the important papers I get that year go in that box. It works unless I can't remember the year. So I'm looking in a box of important papers and find... the recovery discs for my computer. What they were doing in a box of important papers, I'll never know. I slapped the discs into the DVD drive and within an hour had a bare-bones computer running once again. I was thrilled and started checking my e-mail.
Looking back on this, I can't help but feel a higher power was giving me a little help in my purging. By ridding my computer of the browser, all my bookmarks, and any files that could easily be used to recreated a papertrail, I got a fresh start that I had never considered. Having my computer wiped of its information has been a terrific blessing.
So now, I spend 2-3 hours a day at home and work on e-mail and Twitter, but that's pretty much all. I have a few (less than six) blogs that I like to check everyday, but none with TG pictures/artwork or such. In other words, they are pretty much "G" rated, or as innocent as TG subjects can be presented. The hours that have been reclaimed for personal living are spent with my music, going outside, more personal interaction, and resuming work on a college degree.
Now if you're wondering if I've been tempted to return to my old ways, the answers is "Good heaven's yes!" I guess it was the first night after I had rebuilt the hard drive on my computer, I was tempted to mindlessly surf the web. As a Christian, I had to chuckle at myself. Does the devil really think I'm that big of a pushover???
Kelli
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