Thursday, June 27, 2013


I felt like trying to be hip and trendy this morning and thought I would suggest a brand new public ailment that needs proper documentation and treatment.  This ailment is spreading fast across the country, and the vast majority of people who suffer from it are in denial due to shame, ignorance, and hypocrisy.  I have labeled this ailment CPDF -- Cell Phone Driver Face.

Cell Phone Driver Face (CPDF) is the expression on a motor vehicle operator's face, who is also talking on a cell phone, and has just done something incredibly stupid and/or dangerous almost resulting in a vehicle accident. After numerous car horns and shouts from the offended party, the driver who is talking on his/her cell phone will proceed forward as if nothing happened while staring stupidly at the offended party as if he/she is unable to comprehend what has just happened.  Their eyes are non-blinking and vacant.  Their mouth hangs open.  Their head is turned so as to stare at the person they almost had a collision with while the cell phone is pulled slightly away from the ear but still within range to hear the person at the other end of the line.  In rare occasions when I have been able to speak with a person who suffers from CPDF and has almost been in a traffic accident, they have, at best, a poor recollection of what just happened and in some cases don't realize they were almost the cause of a major traffic accident.

One of my favorite places to get coffee is the local convenience store (I love you 7-Eleven!!!).  To get there, I have to cross the street.  On my return after purchasing coffee, I waited at the light until I got the "walk" sign.  Everyone is suppose to stop at a red light.  That includes all cars and trucks, pedestrians, cyclists, people wanting to turn right, people wanting to turn left, and people wanting to continue through.  Everybody stops at a red light so people with the green light (in this case, me) can proceed.  I started walking through the intersection with my coffee.  I was directly in front of a little sport car when the driver decided to proceed with a right turn through the red light.  I realized I was about to be hit by a car and braced myself by planting my left hand on the hood of the car while my right hand held my coffee.  I yelled and he momentarily stopped.  I thought he must have now seen me or heard me, but no, he then proceeded forward again.  With my left hand still on the hood of his car, I jumped and swung my body over the fender of his car, like a fence gate.  To my great surprise, he had not actually hit me with his car.  I then noticed that even after that, he hadn't stopped.  He continued forward.  I saw his window was rolled down and yelled "Hey!" as he drove by.  He stared stupidly at me, his eyes non-blinking and vacant.  His mouth hung open and I saw his cell phone slightly ajar from his right ear.  He continued his right turn and sped off.

Similar incidents have happened to me in the past.  I've blown the horn on my car at people who ran red lights.  I saw their silhouette through their car window -- head turned towards me, cell phone slightly ajar from their right ear, jaw appeared to be elongated from an open mouth.  I was unable to actually see their eyes, but I have a good assumption of what they looked like.  I consider my observations and theories on this subject quite solid and anticipate hearing from the American Psychiatric and Head Shrink Association very soon for inclusion in the DSM.

One important note I must include on this is that I have gotten the same response of CPDF while out en femme and no traffic altercations occurred.  However, I consider this a sub-group within the defined limits of CPDF as cell-phones were involved.

By the way, in my altercation with the guy who almost ran me down and I swung out over his fender to avoid being hit, I am very proud to also report that I didn't spill a single drop of coffee.  The Good Lord knows I love coffee!


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