Now before anyone says What?! I can't believe you would do something like that! Don't you know purging never solves anything??? Let me explain.
There was a time in the not too distant past where I would have advised anyone to not purge their closet of their feminine finery. I had purged my closet of Kelli's clothes a couple of times in the past and had deeply regretted doing that. I have not done a complete purge in twenty years!
Since my last purge, I've learned about autogynephilia. I've learned that this term applies directly to me and have since learned a few things about myself that I didn't know 20 years ago. For example, I have never had the same strong desire to dress as a woman as have my crossdressing friends. I've enjoyed dressing as Kelli over the years, but if I did that once a month, I was happy. My friends would prefer to dress every week if not every day. I found this confusing as I thought we all had the same outlook and reasons for crossdressing. I began to think that even among crossdressers there was something odd about me (and there probably is, but that is a different story).
After studying various theories about autogynephilia, I felt these differences between myself and other crossdressers was okay because we actually were dressing for different reasons. The way I see it, crossdressers dress to externalize their feelings of femininity. My feelings of femininity are almost all internal, and those feelings don't change much whether I am wearing pants or skirts. I can't really call what I am about to say a fantasy as it happens every day in real life, but I often see myself as a woman trying to pass as a man. The average person sees a guy when they look at me, and I know that beneath the shirt and pants, the Hanes His Way underwear, and the sport talc deodorant, and despite what the biology textbooks say, I am 100% woman!
Another reason I purged is because my wardrobe was starting to look very out of date. Much of what I had was donated from a former girlfriend, and that too was many years ago. She had wonderful taste in clothes, but I decided it was time to start purchasing new items. I haven't seen anyone wear stirrup pants in quite awhile.
Still, while going through all the hangers, it was like a trip down memory lane. I came across a sweaterdress that I really liked that brought back quite a few memories. The first memory was that there was a time in the past when I was small and thin enough to actually wear a sweater dress. Second was the memory of that dress being the first dress my ex-girlfriend saw me wearing. I had a very small wardrobe back then and I had just told her about Kelli. She surprised me the next day by asking to see Kelli. I hadn't expected her to bring it up that soon, but ducked into the bathroom and tried to use all the tricks to look my best. I cinched my waist. I padded my hips, I double-checked my makeup. I made certain my boobs were straight. At last I tottered out in my 2.5 inch heels and my girlfriend seemed to be genuinely surprised. She told me that at first glance she thought I passed and had "one hell of a figure". It was on closer inspection that she soon saw I was male. Coming from her, I took all that as a great compliment.
All the blouses, skirts, slacks, jackets, and cute PJs are boxed and ready to be delivered to a local thrift store. For this purge, I am actually very happy and looking forward to building my new wardrobe. I hope the recipients are as happy with this wardrobe as I have been.
Kelli
I'm AGP too. Although I've tried cross dressing, I feel much like you do. I know I'm female. What I wear doesn't seem to matter very much.
ReplyDeleteI am very grateful that I've been able to finally grow the boobs I should have had decades ago.
Randi
That's really interesting. I'd never read about autogynephilia before. At first I was reading through your post, especially things like "I often see myself as a woman trying to pass as a man" and I didn't quite understand what the difference was between autogynephilia and being transgendered or transsexual (NOT trying to get into specific definitions, but that sentiment definitely falls in the TG or TS dynamic somewhere). So, after reading a little about it, I think I get it, but let me make sure.
ReplyDeleteSo, the DSM-IV classifies it under "transvestic fetishism." It says that autogynephilia is a tendency to be sexually aroused by the thought or image of oneself as a woman.
I'm a transsexual, so I would express several of the same sentiments you did, that (back before transition) I felt I was trying to "pass as a man." I'm also %100 woman. So, based on that DSM definition, I think I see the difference. For me, there is no element of sexual arousal to it; I'm not "turned on" by dressing or living female, I just am.
But then, as I was reading that DSM definition, I did find myself thinking that this felt like something written by someone trying to call my condition, transsexualism, a sexual fetish (grrrrr....).
Basically, could you elaborate on what you mean by this?
RC
Amen. I recently "purged" myself, but packed it and threw it all in the attic. I too fall under the AGP label also. As I come to understand the problem and look more internally at myself, I almost feel like for once in my life I am healing! I am waiting for more to come out AGP, and I am willing to bet many who have had surgery fall under the same label too. I am glad I figured it out myself before I turned my whole world upside down with a complete change...others aren't so lucky. Thanks for the post!
ReplyDelete