I've been very busy reading other blogs on various TG issues and trying to catch-up on reading about autogynephilia. It's truly amazing the increase in information on autogynephilia that is now appearing on the web. Many years ago, I was basically faced with having to decide whether I was a transvestite or a transsexual. At the time I was confused about which truly described my situation, and that confusion actually gained some unfriendly responses from both groups. Cross dressers pushed me towards transsexualism as I felt there was something more to my whole experience than just wearing female clothes, and transsexuals were annoyed because I really didn't want to have any body parts chopped off (and, yes, I know they don't actually chop off any body parts).
It was back in those days that I had my last dance to the music of love -- I entered into a serious relationship with a woman. After a series of failed relationships, I found myself feeling this was my last chance at marriage and a halfway normal lifestyle. To this day, I believe we were truly in love, but we each had our own agendas.
I realized from past experience that it was futile to purge and deny the existence of Kelli. At the time I began dating this woman, I was actually trying to embrace Kelli and figure out if she was just going to be that pile of lingerie, dresses, and makeup in the hall closet, or if I was going to be Kelli permanently 24/7. This added to my confusion over being CD or TS since I was now in love with a woman.
Now you have to also remember that I was actually an autogynephiliac (hindsight being 20/20) and knew nothing back then about how big a role fantasy played in my outlook. This fantasy was rooted deep in my sub-conscious, and whether I was Kelly or Kelli (male or female), I had the same sub-conscious. This woman was an almost perfect fit in my gender role reversal fantasy of life. She was two or three inches taller than me (I loved it when she wore heels). She outweighed me. She proved on numerous occasions (all innocently on her part) that she was stronger than me. She was far more outgoing and confident and would gently push me to "be the man" in our relationship. We were two steps away from having a complete role-reversal, and whether or not she noticed it, I definitely did not notice it at the time (something about rose-colored glasses and such).
I managed somehow to hold our relationship at bay until getting the courage to tell her about Kelli. That changed everything. She asked to see Kelli as soon as possible and made a brave attempt to accept that part of my life, but in the end, she just couldn't do it.
I never should have allowed it to happen, but we took our relationship to the most intimate level. It was then that I discovered that, as far as my thoughts and emotions in bed were concerned, I had to be Kelli. I tried to hide that fact from my lover, but she eventually found out. I knew how important it was for her to be physically with a man. Empathy is one of my strong points and I knew how I would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Unfortunately, she discovered my secret and really had problems with that. Some people, like myself, don't worry too much about what other people might or might not be thinking. My girlfriend was not one of those people. For me, autogynephilia is about 90% mental and 10% physical. That was not a good ratio for her, and understandably so.
To make matters worse, she decided the best way to help me was to tell other people about Kelli, starting with her friends and family. I am in the closet. That is a personal choice I have made. I know I am free at any time to come out of the closet if I choose, and I choose not to come out of the closet. I am happy with my decision. This caused friction between us which escalated into other things and led to our messy and ugly breakup. It was something I regretted, but in hindsight had to be done.
I often think it would be nice to have a girlfriend. Were the right woman to come my way, I would give it all another try. But this time, I like to think I would have a bit more maturity and wisdom so I can distinguish between the fantasy and reality.
Kelli
Just something to think about...I would guess that your ex-girlfriend had self-esteem issues even before she found out about Kelli. Being taller, heavier and more "masculine" probably made her feel a bit self-conscious - that's why she pushed you to be more "manly." So it's not that she couldn't accept you being feminine; it's that once she found out about Kelli, she couldn't accept herself feeling less feminine than you.
ReplyDeleteFor me - feeling feminine is very important to me. Having William as a male when I need him to be is vital for our relationship. And if he can do that for me, it makes it ok for him to be the "female" sometimes...
Maturity and wisdom is important for BOTH parties dealing with AGP, so I wish you "good choosing" when you finally meet your life partner.
God Bless.
I think you are correct about her self-esteem issues, and I wish I had picked-up on them sooner. I never once thought of her in any way as masculine. Yes, she was taller, bigger, and stronger, but I think anyone who saw her and talked with her would agree that she was a very typical, feminine woman.
ReplyDeleteI'm not into guys, so if I had seen her as masculine, we never would have become a couple. What I didn't realize was how feminine I had become in thought and action to the point that, in my mind, we had to have some sort of lesbian relationship. She was no more interested in a relationship with a woman who looked like a guy than I would be with a man who looked like a woman. I had issues too, and admit it.
I will add that I am very glad I came out to her and we "discovered" all this before getting married. In hindsight I can see that would have been one of the biggest mistakes either one of us could have made.