Purging the Internet

In my last post I referenced the fact that I had greatly refined and reduced my time spent surfing the internet.  After following this new practice for about a month, I have to admit I'm a bit surprised at the results.  I'm extremely happy with the newly freed hours in my life that have been claimed by more important and fruitful pursuits, yet I feel like I have a bit of a hangover from drinking in too much of what the internet offers.  This is probably due to the addictive nature of my problem, and I'm confident it will decrease in intensity as I do my best to temper my online activities.

One of the first things I did when attacking this problem was deciding to rid myself of all "porn".  I've placed the word "porn" in quotations for the moment only because I feel the need to qualify.  Porn is bad, no matter what.  I consider myself a good Christian girl from the midwest, so having to deal with this issue is doubly shameful to me.  But, I think I got pulled into some porn because I don't view porn like non-transgendered men.

It is a rite of young manhood that you will be exposed to porn.  I found myself in such situations when I was young.  However, in my case, it didn't matter if it was magazines or videos, I was never interested in any sort of porn, straight, gay, or fetish.  I attribute part of this to my Christian upbringing, and part to just confusion in my mind as I found myself fantasizing about being a woman and couldn't figure out where that placed me in the straight-gay-fetish timeline.

When the internet came along, a whole new world opened up to the transgender community.  Tons of beneficial information and resources suddenly became available worldwide, and along with all this information came tons of bad things like porn.  The porn industry has its tentacles firmly entrenched in the internet and does its best to infiltrate and pervert those areas of the internet that shun pornography.  If you don't believe me, try doing an internet search for something completely innocent, such as searching for a favorite children's cartoon character, and see how far you have to go in the search results before you start coming across XXX sites.

My progression in internet surfing went like this:  started with bona fide and legitimate TG websites, followed by websites featuring TG artwork, followed by TG caption and fiction websites, followed by websites featuring nicely and appropriately attired cross dressers, followed by racy and adult TG artwork, and capped with websites featuring cross dressers who "let it all hang out".

One day I took a step back and noticed that last group of websites -- letting it all hang out.  On one hand, I enjoyed how feminine some of these cross dressers looked.  On the other hand, they completely ruined their feminine appearance by proclaiming their masculinity.  It was then that I noticed I was on a slippery slope and didn't like where I was heading.  Something that appears both good and bad will ultimately just be bad for you in the long run.

I enjoy pictures of feminine cross dressers.  I admire the work they put into looking like a woman.  I admire their taste in clothes.  I admire that they were brave enough to take that photo of themselves in the middle of Disneyland, or some such public place.  Nothing wrong with that.  The "let it all hang out" pictures proclaimed a pornographic aspect that I had never wanted in my life, but had sneaked in through an open window.  I had to close that window, sweep out the house, and reclaim my home.

If Kelli Land was an actual place, I would want it to be a place the whole family could come with no fear that anything inappropriate would be within reach of anyone -- young or old, male or female.  I don't want Kelli Land to be a glorified adult book store.  I'm better than that, and by getting rid of the bad in my life, I've got more time for the good which will prove that I'm better.

Kelli

Christianity and The Cure for Cross Dressing

I don't remember if I heard this from a college professor or my therapist many years ago, but the question was asked How do you know if you need psychological counseling? The answer is When something is causing you a problem (anxiety, fear, low self-esteem, etc.).

Cross dressing use to be a problem for me. One of the most important arguments (to me, anyway) for why you shouldn't dress as the opposite sex came from the Bible. Deuteronomy 22:5, as it is frequently quoted, seems to say cross dressing is very bad. After reading the entire Bible chapter and talking to some bonafide ministers (men of the cloth, as we use to say), I came to the conclusion that cross dressing is not a sin. One of the earliest entries I wrote on this blog contained this good news.

That led me to realize that cross dressing is not a problem for me, but it continues to be a problem for people around me. I'm not talking about fellow cross dressers. I'm talking about those who insist I am committing a great sin against God when I put on my prettiest dress. I'm talking about men who wouldn't be caught dead with a strand of pink thread in their clothing or women who may wear slacks, but they are in a "feminine cut".

That lead me to the next big revelation in my life -- I have to get all these people into therapy. All these folks have a completely illogical fear and hatred of my pink angora sweater. Those poor, poor folks going through life like this! I say this with all truthful sincerity, I have sympathy on them. Why? Because they are in the wrong, being in the wrong is the same as being in sin, and sin robs us of the joy and peace that Christ wants us to have in life.

Here's an example. Has this ever happened to you. You're watching television with family or friends. Everyone seems to be enjoying the program. Someone blurts out at one point Oh! That's old so and so! Wasn't he gay? What difference does it make to the show this person is on? The actor was not portraying a homosexual. Such a topic didn't even figure into the storyline. What difference does it make if the actor is gay or not. He or she is on the show, earning a paycheck and entertaining the audience. The conversation usually continues with the loudmouth saying something derogatory and claiming to never watch the actor. There's nothing wrong in enjoying a television show, but letting illogical fear and hatred ruin that enjoyment does seem wrong.

It would be impossible to get all these people into a therapist office, and I don't know of many therapists that make house calls. That leaves little ol' me as the one with the greatest chance of having a positive influence on these folks. I do a lot of studying and praying on this matter, and try to always be careful. In all situations I try to be an "upright" person, as the Good Book might say. For those who only know me as a guy, I do my best to not give anyone an excuse to call me a lying scumbag who likes to get drunk and would stab his own mother in the back as quickly as he would stab his worst enemy. For those who know me as Kelli, I hope they have a positive impression about me (not a slut).

While doing my best to be pleasant and good company, it gives me a chance to talk about anything and everything with a Christian perspective. How do I feel about the environment? I think I have a Christian perspective on that. How will the Red Wings do this season? There is a Christian way to respond to that question. Hey, you're a Christian... what do you think about cross dressing? I think I've already said what my answer would be.

A famous minister once commented that many an average Christian, being a good example to others, has led more souls to the Lord than many an average minister in the pulpit. It all starts by changing hearts and minds one person at a time.

Oh... almost forgot. About the title of this post. Christianity in and of itself is not necessarily a cure for cross dressing. Christianity is the cure for sin, a cure we all need.

Kelli

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Pardon my exuberance, but I love Thanksgiving.  It has always been one of my favorite holidays, probably because it centers on love, family, and God.  I find it interesting that it is a federal holiday, established by proclamation of President Abraham Lincoln in 1863.  Today's federal government goes out of its way to portray itself as non-religious and totally secular, even to the embracing of the religion of humanism.  President Lincoln's attitude was that even in this dark time of a great civil war, we have much to be thankful for to God Almighty.


I have much to be thankful for -- health, family, place to live, etc.


I have to admit that I am not always thankful for being transgendered.  I mean, come on now, there have been times, especially in the past, that I have wished that part of my life miraculously dissappeared into thin air.  I see lots of insanity happening in this scenario.  I'm biologically a guy who likes to dress like a woman and mentally picture myself as a complete woman.  That's strange.  Why is that?  I don't know!  Further, many people are offended at seeing a man dressed as a woman.  Why should they care what I am wearing?  That's strange.  Why is that?  I don't know!  They see an actual woman wearing a pretty blouse and slacks and think nothing of it.  I wear the same pretty blouse and slacks and they say "You pervert!"  That's strange.  Why is that?  I don't know!  I'm not wearing anything obscene or immoral, yet I am overly, downright paranoid concerned about my clothes and overly value the false judgement of people I don't even know.  That's strange.  Why is that?  I don't know.


One item that has helped me in my personal life, especially these past few years, is trying to follow St. Paul's instructions when he wrote to give thanks in everything (I Thess. 5:18, i think).  When you read the book of Acts, you read that Paul experienced a lot of hardships in his life, like getting thrown into prison, being shipwrecked, being stoned, etc.  Yet it never slowed him down in his work for God, and you never see him having a pitty party, table for one.  Whatever happened to him, he felt it happened for a reason, and he ascertained that reason and continued on from there.


I've asked myself recently what it must be like as a "normal" guy to see a pretty gal.  I can't for the life of me really guess what he must be thinking, because no matter how strongly I may be attracted to her, I still have those other thoughts about how I wish I was as pretty, or if those shoes come in my size.  Well, praise the Lord, at least I live in a country where I can do that without fear of the police arresting me and taking me away for re-education or worse.  Thank the Lord I am free to assemble and converse with fellow transgendered people.  And I praise the Lord for the women He has brought into my life because I think my transgenderism gave me an insight and appreciation of these beautiful beings that no "normal" man could ever have or enjoy.


St. Paul said in all things give thanks.  Give it a try.  I can vouch that it helps.


Kelli

The Thorn In The Flesh

In the book of II Corinthians, the Apostle Paul made mention of a "thorn in the flesh" which he had. This thorn was some sort of infirmary, a flaw, a handicap, a malady that Paul wanted removed. We don't know any specifics, but we do know that Paul asked God directly to remove the thorn, and God refused. Here's what happened:

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

-- 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

I recently came across the question, Is crossdressing your thorn in the flesh? In the past, I have considered it a pain in the neck, and other areas of the body, but never as a "thorn in the flesh". When I looked at what a "thorn in the flesh" really was, I realized it could be relevant to my situation, and, here's the best part, that is a good thing.

Paul was an amazing man. He was well-educated, he was what we would consider to be a blue-blood family lineage associating in all the right circles, and then he met the Lord and his life changed. He became a pillar in the early church. His writings are central to New Testament importance. We know more about his work in spreading the Gospel than anyone else. He traveled extensively throughout Europe and Asia, preaching, teaching, and writing like no one else.

It would be easy for anyone in that situation to start feeling like they were Super Preacher -- faster than the speeding Word, more powerful than the Sanhedrin, able to leap over false gods and idols in a single bound. It's a bird! It's a plane! It's super Paul!

One tiny, little problem: that is known as a classic case of self pride, which is not good because it incorrectly attributes these great blessings as coming from us, when God is the author of all blessings. At the most, we can be a vessel through which God works, which is also a blessing from God.

The end result was that this thorn (whatever it was) reminded Paul daily that he was nothing without the Lord, and the same is true for us who are followers of the Lord.

It would be too easy for me to dismiss my autogynephilia and cross dressing as a problem that I wish could go away (I've already tried that, and, SURPRISE, it's not going away). But if I consider it something of a thorn in the flesh, I have to admit that there have been blessings from it. I've met a lot of wonderful people through the years because of my cross dressing. I've been able to talk with other cross dressers about the Lord and have heard back from them. I have found them very encouraging, and I hope they were able to gain something useful from me. My autogynephilia has definitely kept me in check as a man, but the resulting balance I have found between masculine and feminine has, I hope and pray, made me a better person. I know I am much happier with this balance, and can't imagine tipping back more towards the masculine side (female side would be just as bad).

Through the years I have found myself praying that God would turn me into a woman, and I have prayed that God would make me more manly. Looks like considering this to be a thorn in the flesh is the best option I've come across.

Kelli

On Bathrooms, Deuteronomy, and Freedom

There are certain questions and topics that frequently arise in the life of the everyday T-girl. "Which bathroom do you use?" seems to be one of the most common inquiries. Personally, I try to avoid it, but there have been times when I have used the ladies room. I've always waited until it was empty for safety and politeness, and usually tried to find "single seaters" where I can lock the door and enjoy some privacy.

Years ago, I attended several Help Me, Accept Me meetings at the Dallas, Texas Gay and Lesbian Center. I would arrive partially dressed and scurry into the restroom to apply the finishing touches. There was always a long line of T-girls at the women's restroom, so I would duck into the men's room and be finished before everyone else. Looking back, the scene was a bit comical. I remember another T-girl seemed to disapprove of my actions and questioned me about my choice. I replied, "Are you kidding?! We're all TGs here!" My practical outlook on things seemed to negate the need for restrooms designated for two specific genders when everyone in attendance was pretty much the same. Some may not agree with me on that point, but I still try to be practical in all things.

It was when I first began coming to terms with my transgenderism that I came across Deuteronomy 22:5 -- The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God. That seemed to seal my fate. I was definitely some sort of pervert in the eyes of the Lord. This was going to be a demerit on my record for the rest of my life, end of conversation, subject closed.

Then I learned about context. Everything in the Bible is spoken in the context of the day, and in the context with the rest of the Bible. Have you ever seen pictures of how good Israelites dressed back then? There was not a lot of difference as they pretty much wore robes. This piqued my curiosity. Then I looked at this verse within the context of the surrounding verses and found no context -- this verse of instruction stands by itself with no explanation.

I turned to some well-established theologians and commentators who felt this verse was a warning to the Israelites about some of the pagan practices of their neighbors. These pagans would cross dress to serve false gods and idols. This led me to believe that the intention of this verse was less about what a person wore than what he or she did. This makes practical sense to me. It makes sense that God would be angry at one of His children for turning their back on Him and going after an idol. Does God care if I wear guy's or gal's jeans? Does God care if a woman wears pants or skirts? Does God care if I wear heels or flats? These matters seem trivial and of no importance in light of the historical context. The focus is not on how I look but on how I'm serving.

Matthew 23:25-26 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess. (26) Thou blind Pharisee, cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also. When Christ came to this earth, He fulfilled both the Law and the Prophets. One of His revolutionary teachings was on the correct motivations of the heart. Our reasons for action and intentions are as important if not more important than our physical actions. In the quote above, Christ was confronting a bunch of religious leaders who were so wrapped up in legalism and ritualism, and the power and prestige of their office, that they forgot the most basic aspect of God -- love. The scribes and Pharisees loved the applause and praise of the people for being "holier than thou", but gave little thought about how God viewed their actions and intent.

And don't forget, the New Teatment looks back and fulfills the context of the Old Testament, while the Old looks forward to the New for completion.

I'm probably not doing a very good job of conveying my thoughts, but here is an extreme example: It's okay to cross dress. It's not okay to cross dress and rob a bank. Why? Because it's not okay to rob a bank period! Hitting a little bit closer to home, it's also not okay to cross dress with the malicious intent to mislead someone.

Now why did I and many other people have to work so hard to come to the conclusion that cross dressing in and of itself is okay? Well, it wasn't God's fault, I can assure you. Fact is, we live in an imperfect world where there is sin, and the old devil himself is a master of lies, deceit, and misdirection. The devil can use his tricks on believers just as he can unbelievers. It's up to those who know The Truth to encourage others in The Truth and lead still others to The Truth.

Maybe I'll come back to this topic again. In the meantime, I'll try to prepare myself so I can better address it. My poor writing on religious matters has helped me have empathy with Moses when at the burning bush he said "I am slow of tongue".

Kelli

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Now that I have put things more or less into a frame of reference by using Kelli's Simplified Dictionary of Scary Words, I need to explain another highly important aspect of my being. In fact, it is the most important aspect of my being. I am a Christian -- born again believer, follower of the way, a member of those who have been redeemed, one of the saints, etc. In my profile, I actually go one step further and state that I am a conservative Christian. I am a member of a "mainline" denomination (you pass by our church buildings and schools everyday) and was saved in my youth.

WAIT!!! DON'T STOP READING YET!!! THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO EXPLAIN!!!

Okay. Let's look at Kelli's Simplified Dictionary of Scary Words to put my religious beliefs in context.

• conservative Christian -- holding established and/or moderate views and interpretations as found in the Holy Scriptures (Bible).

Nowhere in that definition will you find any mention of transgenderism, autogynephilia, cross dressing, or transexualism. Using common interpretations of the Bible, you will find very little, if anything, on those subjects.

On the flip side of the coin, transgenderism, autogynephilia, cross dressing, and transexualism make no demands that a person observe any sort of religious or philosophical belief system on anything.

BOTTOM LINE: Christianity and TGism (transgenderism, autogynephilia, cross dressing, transexualism) are not at odds with each other. A man putting on a woman's silk blouse, or a woman putting on a favourite piece of male attire does not make them a sinner!

Now immediately, there are many out there that are going to say "Yay! Kelli Roberts said I could dress like a woman and attend my favourite Pentecostal/Church of Christ/Methodist/Baptist/Presbyterian/Catholic/Salvationist/etc. church and it was okay!" My response to that is "No, I did not say that, and, no, you probably could not do that." That opens up a whole other can of worms, and I'll have to deal with that in another post.

What I wanted to do in this post was to let you know that a lot of people (trans and non-trans) have issues with many things that, in the sight of the Lord, don't warrant issue status. A transgendered person is not sinning by dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex, but a person falsely accusing that transgendered person of sin, is actually the one who is committing sin. It probably won't happen in my lifetime, but I am committed to ridding the world of both scenarios. God's Word was designed to bring good things to mankind. In the hands of sinful man that message is sometimes corrupted and looses some of its goodness.

Kelli