Purging the Internet

In my last post I referenced the fact that I had greatly refined and reduced my time spent surfing the internet.  After following this new practice for about a month, I have to admit I'm a bit surprised at the results.  I'm extremely happy with the newly freed hours in my life that have been claimed by more important and fruitful pursuits, yet I feel like I have a bit of a hangover from drinking in too much of what the internet offers.  This is probably due to the addictive nature of my problem, and I'm confident it will decrease in intensity as I do my best to temper my online activities.

One of the first things I did when attacking this problem was deciding to rid myself of all "porn".  I've placed the word "porn" in quotations for the moment only because I feel the need to qualify.  Porn is bad, no matter what.  I consider myself a good Christian girl from the midwest, so having to deal with this issue is doubly shameful to me.  But, I think I got pulled into some porn because I don't view porn like non-transgendered men.

It is a rite of young manhood that you will be exposed to porn.  I found myself in such situations when I was young.  However, in my case, it didn't matter if it was magazines or videos, I was never interested in any sort of porn, straight, gay, or fetish.  I attribute part of this to my Christian upbringing, and part to just confusion in my mind as I found myself fantasizing about being a woman and couldn't figure out where that placed me in the straight-gay-fetish timeline.

When the internet came along, a whole new world opened up to the transgender community.  Tons of beneficial information and resources suddenly became available worldwide, and along with all this information came tons of bad things like porn.  The porn industry has its tentacles firmly entrenched in the internet and does its best to infiltrate and pervert those areas of the internet that shun pornography.  If you don't believe me, try doing an internet search for something completely innocent, such as searching for a favorite children's cartoon character, and see how far you have to go in the search results before you start coming across XXX sites.

My progression in internet surfing went like this:  started with bona fide and legitimate TG websites, followed by websites featuring TG artwork, followed by TG caption and fiction websites, followed by websites featuring nicely and appropriately attired cross dressers, followed by racy and adult TG artwork, and capped with websites featuring cross dressers who "let it all hang out".

One day I took a step back and noticed that last group of websites -- letting it all hang out.  On one hand, I enjoyed how feminine some of these cross dressers looked.  On the other hand, they completely ruined their feminine appearance by proclaiming their masculinity.  It was then that I noticed I was on a slippery slope and didn't like where I was heading.  Something that appears both good and bad will ultimately just be bad for you in the long run.

I enjoy pictures of feminine cross dressers.  I admire the work they put into looking like a woman.  I admire their taste in clothes.  I admire that they were brave enough to take that photo of themselves in the middle of Disneyland, or some such public place.  Nothing wrong with that.  The "let it all hang out" pictures proclaimed a pornographic aspect that I had never wanted in my life, but had sneaked in through an open window.  I had to close that window, sweep out the house, and reclaim my home.

If Kelli Land was an actual place, I would want it to be a place the whole family could come with no fear that anything inappropriate would be within reach of anyone -- young or old, male or female.  I don't want Kelli Land to be a glorified adult book store.  I'm better than that, and by getting rid of the bad in my life, I've got more time for the good which will prove that I'm better.

Kelli

My Pen Ran Out of Ink

Uh, yeah.... Sorry for the lack of entries lately, but that's my story and I'm sticking with it!

Good heavens, I have been so busy lately. My days have run from eight in the morning to past midnight, and I feel like I have constantly been running like a madwoman. My favourite heels are about an inch shorter due to all the wear and tear. Of course, that still leaves about four inches of heel left.... Okay, I'm joking about the heels I wear. If my mother ever caught me in heels that high she would kill me. Afterwards, she would probably later dis-member my body and quietly dispose of the evidence if I was also wearing a dress, but that is another story. I always wear sensible heels and have even been known to wear flats, which, in my opinion, definitely separates me (autogynephiliac) from crossdressers.

I wanted to make a quick post about Halloween, which I am very excited about as I actually have plans for a night out this year. I've been living the life of a hermit the past few years (an attractive female hermit, but still a hermit), and haven't done anything on Halloween. This is the unofficial crossdresser's national holiday! If I can't dress on this day, then there is something wrong with the good old U.S. of A.

Now don't forget, in the profile to the side, I state that I am a conservative Christian, and that stands 24/7. I'll be out with friends enjoying a moderately quiet evening. I haven't worked out all the details of what I will be wearing, but there will be nothing exposed that shouldn't be, and no garb that others might find offensive. My ultimate dream is to go as Elvira, but will be unable to pull that off this year.

I've known many crossdressers who have told me that one of their biggest thrills in their younger days was dressing as a girl for Halloween and going trick or treating with parents and siblings. I've had strong fantasies, dreams, and desires of being a woman ever since I was young, say 5 or 6 years old. But I never dressed as a girl for Halloween when I was a kid. I'm not sure why that was. Frankly, I don't think I even considered the idea. I seemed content to daydream of being a girl, play in my mother's old clothes when no one was looking, but never to ask to dress like a girl on the one day of the year when most folks would have thought nothing about it. Currently I wonder if this might be due more to autogynephilia than to classic crossdressing or transvestism. As it is, I have a lot of lost time to make up for.

Still, those heels will have to be a moderate height. Mom may have raised me as a boy, but she raised me with values and morals so that whether guy or gal, I knew what she expected of me.

Kelli Y

Lack of Spring Updates

So sorry about the lack of updates. I blame it on those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer (oooh, that would make a good song title!), so here's a quickie update.

First, happy Father's Day to all the Dads that read my blog. I hope your day was special, and remember -- no one can take the place of a child's parents. You are that important. May God bless.

The other week I was standing in a long line at the cashier's window for the local traffic court. (No, the fine was not caused by driving while wearing a blond wig.) Anywho, I was more or less just staring off into space, minding my own business. There was a couple ahead of me, and I heard the guy start singing Dude Looks Like A Lady to his wife. They were quietly laughing and I didn't think anything about it as I was totally absorbed in watching a bailiff instruct someone how to fill-out court paperwork and pay fines, etc. It didn't involve me anyway, as I was in male drag.

When I turned to stare out into space in the other side of the lobby, I saw the inspiration that caused this man to burst into song -- an androgynous person was sitting outside one of the offices.

Now I've come across many crossdressers and transgendered people out in public before, at shopping malls, restaurants, parks, etc. Sometimes I'll stop and say hello, sometimes I'll wave, sometimes I'll just keep to myself, it all depends on the circumstances, like if they are alone, if they are with friends, do they look like they need help, etc. Some of the people I have seen completely passed, while others didn't come close.

This was the first time I had ever seen a person who was obviously going for the androgynous look. The hair could pass for unisex, but was a bit on the feminine side. Skin was darkly tanned, and there was a strong five o'clock shadow. If there was any makeup, it was extremely light. This person wore a pretty, satiny blue top with a decidedly feminine white jacket that had classic shoulder pads. I'm not certain what they were wearing below the waist. Perhaps if I see this person again, I'll be able to say hello.

Remember girls: tan in moderation, have a safe vacation, and work for the day when you can physically wear a bikini and look as good as when you do in your on-line virtual world.

Kelli

Glass Closets

I've mentioned before that I find dreams very interesting. I seem to have a fairly active dream life (in technicolor, no less) and have often found them very helpful. Depending on the subject matter, I can observe a problem in waking life, go to sleep, and dream a solution. I've had dreams that were purely entertaining, and I have had dreams that seemed to deal with personal obstacles and problems. Some dreams I was actually able to interpret into meaningful insights on my life, and some dreams still remain a mystery to me.

Several years ago, I found myself facing the same question from three different sources. At the time, I had a girlfriend (now an ex-), became involved in a local cross dressing group, and was seeing a therapist. I became involved in the cross dressing group about the same time I began seriously dating my girlfriend. When I felt I had no choice, I came out to my girlfriend about Kelli and later began therapy sessions about my cross dressing.

I need to add here that I have always been, and still am, in the closet about my TGism. I was originally silent on the subject because of fear, but as I've aged and been around the block a few times, I'm not really interested in the whole world knowing about Kelli. I seem to have no problems with Kelli and other TG friends, and no problems with Kelli and therapists. Kelli and girlfriends/family seem to be another matter.

That leaves my male side (referred to as "Kelly" here) for girlfriends (even when they know Kelli) and family. I was confident that folks I didn't want to introduce to Kelli didn't know anything about her. That confidence was shattered by my TG friends, therapist, and ex-girlfriend. About the same time, the same conversation came up with all three about whether or not they knew anything about Kelli. For example, my ex-girlfriend knew me as "Kelly", but after I introduced her to Kelli she told me that she knew something was up -- that something was different about me. I knew my therapist for several years as a friend before I began seeing him for Kelli. He told me he knew I was "different" and wasn't really surprised to meet Kelli.

That led me to wonder what I had done to tip them off. True I'm not an overly testosteroned, beer-gutted, skirt-chasing, can't hold a conversation without mentioning a favorite sports team, type of guy, but then I am definitely not the "metrosexual" type either. I have a tough time deciding between going fishing and having my nails done.

I worried quite a bit. Although my ex-girlfriend knew, I hadn't told my family about Kelli. My ex-girlfriend was having enough problems about her, and I knew my family would completely freak. I made a mental note to try to act more manly around these folks, but really didn't know what actions, male or female, were giving me away.

Then I had this crazy dream.... In the dream, I had gone to visit my parents. I found myself in my old room, which looked completely normal, but I was now a woman. I had a feminine hairdo, a pretty face, and a figure that I would be willing to kill for if there was ever a chance I could actually get it!!! It's okay... I'm calm... breathe deeply.... Anyway, I was dressed for bed (wearing a babydoll nightie, of all things!) and in bed, reading a book. The door to my closet was open, and it was full of dresses, blouses, and cute shoes. My old desk was now covered in make-up and hair care items. There was a knock on the door and Mom entered my room. She sat on the edge of my bed and said, "Kelly [addressed me as a male], I need to ask you an important and personal question. Are you a cross dresser?" I found myself gasping and sitting upright as I awoke from the dream.

That silly dream made a big impression on me regarding what people think of me. I can't help what other people think of me. I could do my best to act macho for those who don't know Kelli, but then they wouldn't know Kelly either. All they would know was some person trying to imitate someone he/she wasn't. I'm lazy, so I'll keep it simple -- I'll let people love or hate me for who I am. Kelli is a big part of me, and you will see a bit of her in Kelly. Kelly is a big part of me, and you will see a bit of him in Kelli. I'm doing better on combining these two aspects of my life, and I'm feeling much better by doing that.

And on the subject of who knows and who doesn't know about Kelli, at the moment, everyone that I want to know about Kelli knows. For those who think they know, it's up to them whether they want to approach me on the subject or not. Trying to read minds gives me nothing but a headache.