Purging!

Sorry for not writing lately.  I hope and pray that will be changing a bit.

Most all of us have heard of purging, and quite a few of us have done it from time to time.  Purging, for the gender-flexible, usually involves ridding our alter ego's of their clothes, books, belongings, etc.  I've purged myself of Kelli's things many times over the decades... I mean... years (I can't be THAT old).  The reasons have ranged from trying to rid myself of all things feminine in my life to living situations that were less than private to having nosy girlfriends.

For the benefit of younger readers, let me just caution you that purging never improved my condition.  Even experts will tell you that your transgenderism, crossdressing, transvestism, transexualism, crossdreaming, gender dysphoria, eonism, whatever the heck you want to call it, etc., will probably not be cured (go away) by purging.  Your best course of action is learning to live with it and turning it into something more positive.  The only happiness my purging brought about took place in the lives of the ladies who frequented the local thrift stores in my neighborhood.

However, I just purged myself of something that I think will be positive.  I just purged myself of the internet (at least a big portion of it).  Best I can tell, I think I was addicted to the internet.  I could spend hours every day looking at transgender pictures and artwork, saving favorite TG captions to my hard drive, reading the latest TG fiction, etc.  I would surf the web every morning up to time to leave for work.  After work, the first thing I would do upon arriving home would be to prop up my heels, check my e-mail and start surfing again for a couple more hours.  Time for bed?  Not before I check the e-mail and Twitter again followed by more surfing.

For some time I felt that this was some sort of compulsive behaviour, but I couldn't see any negative effects.  It wasn't until I could no longer deny the fact that I was ignoring other things in my life because I was surfing the internet that I decided something had to change.  I finally decided one night a few weeks ago that I was no longer going to surf the internet, resolved that the next day I would commit myself to this change, and went to bed.

Then, things took a strange turn.  I got up that morning to check my e-mails before going to work and found my hard drive had been erased.  Everything was gone!  I was shocked.  Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.  Then I was very annoyed and a bit angry.  True, I had promised that I would no longer surf the internet, but in this day and age I rely very heavily on e-mail and Twitter.  I needed a computer for work and personal use.  It looked like I was going to be buying a new computer, which I did not look forward to doing.

Later that day, I was looking for some important personal papers.  My important paper filing system is very simple, but not very efficient.  I take a large box and label it "IMPORTANT PAPERS 201X", and all the important papers I get that year go in that box.  It works unless I can't remember the year.  So I'm looking in a box of important papers and find... the recovery discs for my computer.  What they were doing in a box of important papers, I'll never know.  I slapped the discs into the DVD drive and within an hour had a bare-bones computer running once again.  I was thrilled and started checking my e-mail.

Looking back on this, I can't help but feel a higher power was giving me a little help in my purging.  By ridding my computer of the browser, all my bookmarks, and any files that could easily be used to recreated a papertrail, I got a fresh start that I had never considered.  Having my computer wiped of its information has been a terrific blessing.

So now, I spend 2-3 hours a day at home and work on e-mail and Twitter, but that's pretty much all.  I have a few (less than six) blogs that I like to check everyday, but none with TG pictures/artwork or such.  In other words, they are pretty much "G" rated, or as innocent as TG subjects can be presented.  The hours that have been reclaimed for personal living are spent with my music, going outside, more personal interaction, and resuming work on a college degree.

Now if you're wondering if I've been tempted to return to my old ways, the answers is "Good heaven's yes!"  I guess it was the first night after I had rebuilt the hard drive on my computer, I was tempted to mindlessly surf the web.  As a Christian, I had to chuckle at myself.  Does the devil really think I'm that big of a pushover???

Kelli

Wow! Is Christmas Over Already???

So when I last posted to this little blog last the warm glow of the Christmas season had engulfed the world and visions of sugar plums were dancing in my head.  Everything was in perfect harmony, the planets were properly alligned, God was in His heaven, and all was good.

Then I got up one morning in January, shuffled over to my state-of-the-art Windows XP computer, attempted to log-in to my e-mail, and discovered the internet was gone.  I was very disappointed as I really liked the internet, but realized that my dad was correct when he told me that the internet was just a fad.  Apparently the internet had just fizzled-out in popularity and gone the way of hula-hoops, frisbees, and stereos with automatic record-changers.

I found an old copy of TVGuide and saw that the Phil Donahue talk show was scheduled next hour.  I now had plans for my morning, but decided first to call the phone company and make certain they were no longer charging me for internet service as there was no more internet.

I spoke to a very nice phone company rep who sounded like he was from Indiana, but when asked said he was in Kansas.  (Or maybe it was India, I don't remember).  This man was a genius.  After a few simple questions, we discovered two problems.  First, I had fallen asleep again in my blonde wig, thus the reason for my mental confusion.  Secondly, the internet was still in service.  It was my phone line that was causing the problems.

Now it was almost exactly one year ago that my phone line had failed previously.  I received no help from anyone and replaced it myself.  This time, I decided to do things differently.  I decided to consider ALL internet options and began doing research.

The fastest way to do research is on the internet, and since my access was gone, I was forced to use the public library.  Now I LOVE the public library.  I'm a big library supporter.  I think libraries are essential and a nice luxury every community should have.  But, the libraries are public, as opposed to my private internet access at home.  The computers at my library are out in the open, laid out on desktops, and anyone can see what you are doing on the computer just by walking past.  I'm extremely old-fashioned and easily embarassed.  The last time I used a public computer and something objectionable popped-up on the screen I almost broke a leg trying to shut everything down.

That means I was uncomfortable blogging and Tweeting about crossdressing.  I know many people, probably most people, would disagree with me on this, but I was raised this way and decades of such Puritan attitudes are difficult to overcome.  I think people should wear whatever they want to wear.  If you want to dress like a man, like a woman, or the Queen of Sheba you should have that right.  And I know that in this day and age children are already exposed to crossdressers (I was probably in my teens back in the stoneage when I first came across stories of other crossdressers), but I have chosen to not put the topics of crossdressing or transgenderism before others publicly.  I'm happy with my personal level of privacy.  People find my little blog by looking for it.  I do not purposely put my blog in front of strangers because I don't know what these strangers want.

I also did this because of the incorrect attitudes of many people.  There's nothing pornographic about my blog, yet crossdressing and transgenderism is often labeled as such by people who are ignorant.  Who wants to be accused of corrupting the morality of American youth?  I want wonderful things for American youth whether or not they are transgendered.

So am I being a total wimp and letting people shout me down?  Maybe.  I prefer to think of it as avoiding conflict and freely speaking where I can.  On the keyboard side of the computer screen, I felt conflicted.  On the other side of the computer screen, I felt free and bold.  I decided to wait until I had private internet access again to blog.  Besides, I like blogging in my PJs (male or female).

So I tried a few internet service providers that offered options other than DSL.  Internet service via smoke signals was reasonably priced, but slower than dial-up.  And after two days of YouTube delivered by the U.S. Postal Service, I was forced to move from my apartment for lack of space.  My new apartment has good phone wiring, and I am back on the internet.

Kelli

Wipeout!!!

Sorry for the lack of posts this past month.  Late summer activities and vacations and family and work and..., well, you get the idea, kept me plenty busy.  On top of that, I suffered a wipeout in my internet surfing.

I've been knocked off the internet before, but never with such a perfect storm that sent a tsunami-type wave that knocked me off my internet surfing board into a senseless drift of odd bytes and file fragments and onto a deserted island of no internet access. I spent a week marooned with no e-mail, no Twitter, no blogs, and no spam.  Actually, you can forget about the spam.  I can't stomach it and it's bad for my waistline anyways.

I made a rescue flag from my bikini top (okay, a small rescue flag), then sat down on the beach to work on my tan and watch for rescue boats.  The flag alone didn't help much.  I ended up having to frantically jump and down and wave my arms anytime a ship passed, but the first time I did so I got an immediate response.  Now I'm back in the civilized world and fully plugged into the world wide web.  Ooh, the new cat videos on YouTube I missed while gone!

Seriously, it was a 1-2 punch.  First I discovered I had no internet access.  I spent a couple of days checking the hardware and firewalls, then admitted defeat and phoned my DSL tech support.  Immediately, I got a pre-recorded message saying there was a problem with users anti-virus software.  The software was making everyone's computers so secure from internet viruses and hackers that the computers were now unable to connect to the internet.  That's very secure, but a bit ridiculous.  The fix was to un-install the anti-virus software and install the updated version.  I did so.  Once it was completed, I turned off the computer, grabbed my purse, and headed to work.

All day long at work I couldn't wait to get home and get back on the internet.  (Withdrawal symptoms?  Couldn't be!)  I work for an employer where nothing is secret, so I can't go near anything remotely TG or "questionable" on my work computers.  It's not that I work in a high security-type place, it's just that I have a super nosey and suspicious computer tech co-worker.  This guy set up an open Wi-Fi network strictly for employee use on their free time, and the first time I used it I found someone trying to hack into my personal computer.  Talk about "Big Brother"!

Anyway, I returned home, slipped into something more comfortable, hit the on button (on the computer, thank you very much!), logged onto the internet, and got nothing.  Zip!  Zero!  Zilch!  I spent the next day trying to connect to the internet.  This time I tried re-booting in safe mode and even bought a new ethernet connector.  Still nothing.  I decided to phone tech support again and did so the next day only to discover my telephone was dead.  My telephone is an old-fashioned land line but is connected to DSL.  After I had downloaded the new software and gone to work, we had heavy thunderstorms move through the area and knocked down the phone lines on my block.  Girl, did I feel stupid!!!

So now I'm back surfing the internet and trying hard to update my blog more often.  Also, in case I am ever hit by a tsunami again and forced to make a rescue flag, I am switching to one-piece internet-surfing-swimsuits.  Wait a minute... I just noticed a problem with that plan.

Kelli

Myra Breckinridge

Gore Vidal passed away this week.  He was a giant in the literary world and a fascinating man who knew a lot of fascinating people.  I don't read a lot of novels, but I did read Myra Breckinridge many years ago, and it spawned a family mystery that I have never solved.

Sometime back in the 1970s I was staying with relatives for the summer.  At the time I thought I was a young crossdresser (terms like "transgender" and "autogynephilia" hadn't been coined yet) and took every opportunity to dress in old clothes that I might find, read anything on the subject that might be in print (there was very little legit info in print back then), and hypnotically watch anything on television dealing with the subject (which was normally relegated to rare news stories about transexuals).  Yes, for the enlightenment of the younger ready, forty years ago mankind was basically an ignorant brute as evidenced by the polyster fashion of the day, but I digress....  I was staying with relatives for the summer and had the run of the house and the small town where we lived.

One afternoon I happened to go nosing through a closet full of old clothes and lots of "junk".  None of the clothes really caught my eye, but I found some old magazines and books that appeared interesting.  Once I had dug down into the middle of the stack, I discovered that sandwiched between reams of general family-targeted magazines were a couple of girlie magazines and a paperback copy of Myra Breckinridge.

I examined the girlie magazines first as I was most familiar with those.  They had the usual centerfolds and layouts of gorgeous nude women, but one item that both copies had in common was that they both had layouts of some hermaphrodites as well.  I was puzzled by this coincidence and mesmerized by these naked bodies that were both male and female.  I had never seen anything like that before.

Then I turned my attention to the book and began reading it.  To the best of my knowledge, I had never heard anything about this book or about the author, yet something drove me to read it.  The two magazines had been major important finds for me and a hunch told me this book was right up my alley as well.  Over the course of a week I sneaked reading chapters and stuck with the book to the very end (I didn't cheat and read the end first) where I was rewarded with the literary fulfillment of a major personal erotic fantasy -- Myra had been Myron, a male.  The thought of being able to overcome my problem of being male and becoming a beautiful woman like Myra (who would tell you herself that she was beautiful) made a huge impact on me.

Some time later, a question popped into my little brain.  Who was the owner of these books and magazines?  The owner was obviously a relative, yet they had been hidden away in a manner where only the owner would have access to them.  This owner might have been like me, wishing they had been born a woman.  Years later, I also realized that this person might have been a bit more lewd, being what is often termed a "tranny chaser".  Whatever the reason for this relative owning this material, I would have liked to have talked with them about it.  There are studies that suggest transgenderism is an inherited phenomenon.  Learning of this person's motives and passions would have been a treasure trove of info.

Unfortunately, this person was probably raised like I was to be ashamed and be silent of any deviation from the "norm".  If there is nothing wrong or sinful about the deviation, why be ashamed and silent?  I can fully understand why people might think my actions are odd (they are sometimes odd to me also), but odd does not equal wrong or sinful, and I've learned being ashamed and silent (for no good reason) not only hurts myself, but others who feel the same.

Kelli

The 1980s

Singer Whitney Houston passed away this weekend. She was a beautiful and talented woman whose life shouldn't have ended at such a young age. She will be missed.

Her death brought back a lot of personal memories. In the mid 80s I was midway through my college studies when Ms. Houston hit the charts. Her music was everywhere.

One evening a co-worker at my part-time job commented that she was sick and tired of Whitney. I asked why and she said it was because her music was a favorite of the drag queens in the clubs, so they played it every single night. Now I was just trying to come to terms with crossdressing, transvestism, and transexualism, etc. back in those days, so I immediately had a million questions for her, but was afraid she would think I was a crossdresser (even if I was, I didn't want her to know that). I spaced out my questions over the span of several days and discovered I was extremely close to a person who could help me.

Turns out my friend moonlighted at a costume shop in town. She did great business at Halloween, sold dance wear, theatrical makeup, and helped drag queens with their costumes. She became so popular in town that she was frequently invited to the gay clubs to watch the performances.

I made it a point to stop by her store several times and innocently inquire about makeup and stuff. Got a lot of good info, but never did confide in her that I had a femme side. It's a shame, but I was just too shy and scared back in those days. That was a long time ago, but I'll always associate Whitney's music with some very good memories.

Kelli

Weekly Weigh-In Time

I was a bit nervous about weighing this morning, but that nervousness quickly turned to excitement. This past week has been hectic, and I seriously deviated from my exercise and beauty schedule that I had started January first. I was able to stick with my diet this week, and I think that is what saved the day.

The official weigh-in showed I had lost 20 pounds since January 1st. Now in my mind I have to set the new weight as the standard I never want to exceed again, and attempt to loose another 5 pounds. I think if I can stick to my diet and resume my exercise routine this coming week, it won't take long to reach another goal.

The accompanying picture is part of my personal motivation process. I hope to look like that one day, but drawn just a little bit better.

Kelli

Diet and Exercise Report

My diet and exercise regime for the new year is progressing well. I do my best to stick to my diet every day, but when I am forced to deviate I keep a close eye on how far off course I go so I can get back on track quickly.

As for my daily exercises, I discovered doing those every day is not always the best idea. I initially set out to exercise every day of the week. On a couple of occasions I found myself having to cancel my exercises for the day. In each case, when I resumed the next day, I found the exercises easier to do and my body registered fewer sore muscles.

This week I deviated twice from my diet and exercise routine, and the scales registered the toll. Last Friday I had lost about 18 pounds since January 1st. Today I weighed and found I had gained back 3 of those pounds. Time to knuckle down and get rid of those 3 pounds again.

Kelli

Diet is "Die" With a "T"

Actually, the diet is going well, and I'm reasonably pleased with the results. I wish the pounds were disappearing faster, but the fact that they are going away at all is good for me.

This weight loss program has all been done on the cheap. First, I'm limiting my calorie intake with a goal of just 1,000 calories a day. That means I can eat whatever I want, but I must stop at the 1,000 calorie mark. This has also forced me to modify my meal schedule, consuming most of my calories in the first half of the day and eating light snacks in the afternoon and evening.

My exercise videos are free. I'm always amazed at what you can find on YouTube, and I found several professionally produced exercise videos. I picked the ones that interested me and concentrated on the body parts I wanted improved. The first week was a bit painful, but I faithfully exercised Monday through Friday, took the weekend off, and resumed last Monday. I started doing 30 minutes of aerobics and found myself struggling to do that much. Now I can do it pretty easily with little pain and will be expanding my aerobic time next week.

So that's diet program for free and exercise program for free.

Attitude is something I have had to work on. No matter how carefully I plan my diet, there are still evenings I find myself sitting in front of the television and thinking I'm hungry. I have a couple of moves to combat this. First, I'll get busy. I'll take care of the dishes in the kitchen sink or do some work on the computer. I'll do something to get my mind off food. The second move is all mental. Instead of feeling hunger in a negative way, I'll remind myself that what I am feeling in my stomach area is actually pounds starting to disappear and visualize my stomach transforming into a flat, sexy, waistline.

Motivation is important too. Common sense would tell you that loosing weight because it is good for your health and long life would be the best motivational factor in the world. Sadly, I have found myself needing additional motivation. My motivation is beautiful women I see in real life, on the television, and online. I even have a screensaver on my computer featuring beautiful female pictures that I have found in my web surfing that is extremely helpful. When I feel hungry at eight o'clock at night, I see a model on my computer and remind myself that if I start eating a bag of chips I will never look like her. Yes, that bag of corn chips is preventing me from looking like Shania Twain.

Next month I plan to add other aspects to my makeover. I plan to update my makeup and wardrobe by starting with books from my local library and bookstore.

I'd also like to start some voice and deportment training, but haven't been able to find anything that looks like it would be helpful. Melanie Phillips has had a voice training program for several years that I am considering. But for every honest business person like Melanie, there are fly-by-night rip-off sites. I came across a link for a professionally done feminine deportment course that sounded promising, but closer inspection raised too many red flags. For instance, the headline banners on her webpage had misspellings. That coupled with the facts that I had never heard of her or heard any testimonials from people I trust caused me to dismiss the site pretty quickly.

If there are any readers out there who have any recommendations on voice training or deportment courses (deportment means moving and acting like a woman), please drop me a line. I'd appreciate it very much. Free YouTube or courses for a price -- I'm interested in them all.

Today's official weigh-in shows I have lost 16 pounds since January 1st. Bikini season, here I come!!!

Kelli

Resolution Update

We are two weeks into 2012 and I am two weeks into my diet. Things are going great. I'm doing an old fashioned "watch what you eat and count calories" diet. I refuse to eat more than 1,500 calories a day, and my goal is 1,000 calories a day.

The results? So far, I've lost 10 pounds. This is actually not all good news. I think I have a strange metabolism. I lost those 10 pounds in the first week of my diet, and have been holding steady the second week. Loosing ten pounds is nothing to me. I can do it easily. It's the succeeding pounds that require a bit more work.

Tomorrow I plan to buy a sit-up bar and some exercise videos. It's cold outside and I really have motivational deficiencies when it comes to strenuous outdoor exercises like running and biking. I want to stay indoors and concentrate on specific body areas with light exercise and aerobics. I've had a desk job for years and have found just working up a slight sweat (pardon me... ladies "glow") causes my body to resume loosing pounds.

I refuse to use weights as I don't want any muscle development. I've never had much in the muscle department and enjoy my flexibility. I want to keep all that as a basis for a more feminine look.

Also tomorrow, I plan to update my makeup collection and begin seriously experimenting with it every day. An ex-girlfriend told me the mysterious secret once of how women learn to do makeup -- practice! My basic skills are not bad, but I look forward to trying some of the new styles I've seen on various fashion web sites.

In other resolution news, I've also increased my Bible study. I'm not a "Bible thumper", but find Bible study really stimulates both the brain and the physical body.

And the decent Kelli pics will have to wait for later. I'm interested in seeing what I can do with a camera (I actually need to buy a digital camera), and if I can get a decent shot, I might actually post it.

Some of you might be thinking What?! She doesn't own a digital camera?! Everyone owns a digital camera! It's not like I'm Amish or Mennonite. I was still using film until last year when I bought a cheap cell phone that had a camera in it. I enjoy taking pictures with it, but it isn't tripod mountable and doesn't have a timer, so I want a camera dedicated to one task -- taking pictures.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. Two weeks in and I'm still successful and excited about my resolutions and the progress I'm making. Two weeks is a pretty good start for me.

Kelli

Christianity and The Cure for Cross Dressing

I don't remember if I heard this from a college professor or my therapist many years ago, but the question was asked How do you know if you need psychological counseling? The answer is When something is causing you a problem (anxiety, fear, low self-esteem, etc.).

Cross dressing use to be a problem for me. One of the most important arguments (to me, anyway) for why you shouldn't dress as the opposite sex came from the Bible. Deuteronomy 22:5, as it is frequently quoted, seems to say cross dressing is very bad. After reading the entire Bible chapter and talking to some bonafide ministers (men of the cloth, as we use to say), I came to the conclusion that cross dressing is not a sin. One of the earliest entries I wrote on this blog contained this good news.

That led me to realize that cross dressing is not a problem for me, but it continues to be a problem for people around me. I'm not talking about fellow cross dressers. I'm talking about those who insist I am committing a great sin against God when I put on my prettiest dress. I'm talking about men who wouldn't be caught dead with a strand of pink thread in their clothing or women who may wear slacks, but they are in a "feminine cut".

That lead me to the next big revelation in my life -- I have to get all these people into therapy. All these folks have a completely illogical fear and hatred of my pink angora sweater. Those poor, poor folks going through life like this! I say this with all truthful sincerity, I have sympathy on them. Why? Because they are in the wrong, being in the wrong is the same as being in sin, and sin robs us of the joy and peace that Christ wants us to have in life.

Here's an example. Has this ever happened to you. You're watching television with family or friends. Everyone seems to be enjoying the program. Someone blurts out at one point Oh! That's old so and so! Wasn't he gay? What difference does it make to the show this person is on? The actor was not portraying a homosexual. Such a topic didn't even figure into the storyline. What difference does it make if the actor is gay or not. He or she is on the show, earning a paycheck and entertaining the audience. The conversation usually continues with the loudmouth saying something derogatory and claiming to never watch the actor. There's nothing wrong in enjoying a television show, but letting illogical fear and hatred ruin that enjoyment does seem wrong.

It would be impossible to get all these people into a therapist office, and I don't know of many therapists that make house calls. That leaves little ol' me as the one with the greatest chance of having a positive influence on these folks. I do a lot of studying and praying on this matter, and try to always be careful. In all situations I try to be an "upright" person, as the Good Book might say. For those who only know me as a guy, I do my best to not give anyone an excuse to call me a lying scumbag who likes to get drunk and would stab his own mother in the back as quickly as he would stab his worst enemy. For those who know me as Kelli, I hope they have a positive impression about me (not a slut).

While doing my best to be pleasant and good company, it gives me a chance to talk about anything and everything with a Christian perspective. How do I feel about the environment? I think I have a Christian perspective on that. How will the Red Wings do this season? There is a Christian way to respond to that question. Hey, you're a Christian... what do you think about cross dressing? I think I've already said what my answer would be.

A famous minister once commented that many an average Christian, being a good example to others, has led more souls to the Lord than many an average minister in the pulpit. It all starts by changing hearts and minds one person at a time.

Oh... almost forgot. About the title of this post. Christianity in and of itself is not necessarily a cure for cross dressing. Christianity is the cure for sin, a cure we all need.

Kelli

Girly-Man Parts

Last week I had to go shopping for some new guy clothes. I'd much rather have been shopping for gal clothes, but most folks who know me prefer to see me in guy clothes. I figure that's their loss.

Was trying on suit coats and having a very hard time finding a good fit. The problem wasn't the coat length, the coat waist, or even the sleeves. The recurring problem was finding a coat that fit properly in the shoulder. For lack of a better description, most of the coats I tried on were too big in the shoulder.

Later, at home, I was thinking about my shoulders and inspected myself in the bathroom mirror. I have never had muscular or big shoulders, but noticed I didn't have narrow shoulders either. I finally decided that I have thin, non-muscular shoulders, and attached to them were long, non-muscular arms. In the winter months especially, I often shave my arms when I dress. No one has ever commented on my arms, but I decided my arms were fairly feminine and would look even more so with a bit of liposuction.

Like I said, no one has ever commented on my thin shoulders or tapered arms. The only comments I remember getting about being feminine were from an ex-girlfriend who frequently said I had great legs. That always made me blush.

So I am now acknowledging my girly-man parts. I'm proud of my girly-man parts. They are the parts of my body that I can easily and advantageously use to look more feminine when I want to do so, and when they are under male clothes, no one notices at all.

Will add this phrase to Kelli's Dictionary soon.

Kelli

Let the New Year Resolutions Begin!

I've started my new year resolutions for 2012. Most of them are pretty generic and attempted by lots of people, but I am very hopeful I will be able to accomplish them. Here are a few:

Loose weight. Lots of folks make this resolution every year. I have a little extra motivation as I now have a doctor telling me I should loose a few pounds. Anyway, I'm psyched about my diet. I'll basically just be cutting calories and fat plus adding a little bit more exercise. I'm not interested in speedy weight loss, just permanent weight loss.

Improve my looks. What girl doesn't want to look prettier every year?

Conquer Google+. I never signed-on to Facebook. Since I already had a blog and such with Google, I signed-on when they came out with Google+. Now I have no idea how this thing works. Any suggestions? Help!

Take some decent Kelli pictures. After loosing weight and improving my looks, I'd like some nice pictures as I really don't have any. If I don't loose weight and improve my looks, there's always Gimp.

And finally, study my Bible more. I'd like to consider myself as average when it comes to Bible knowledge, but these days the "average level" seems to be lowering itself. There's a lot of misunderstanding and downright hatred of the Bible on the internet, and I'd like very much to at least try to help these folks. There's an old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". The Bible is the same way. I want to make certain that it is out there in case someone wants a drink. If they choose not to drink, I at least tried and they at least heard the truth.

I've got a few more resolutions, but won't bore you with them for now. Check back next month and we'll see how many I've broken.

Kelli

"Are You Gay?"

When I came out to my last girlfriend, that was one of (if not the) first questions she asked me: "Are you gay?" I assured her I was not gay, but at the time, I needed reassuring myself. The time was the early 1990s, and although I had studied and read up on terms like crossdressing, transvestism, and transsexualism, it would be several more years before I heard the term "autogynephilia".

Fortunately, I told her the truth, even though I was not certain at the time. I had gone through several bad relationships, and one day put 2 and 2 together and figured there was the possibility that I was gay. Let's look at the facts. Fact one -- I enjoyed dressing in women's clothes. Fact two -- I had always dated women and never even considered anything romantic with another man. Fact three -- in many of my fantasies and daydreams, I was often a woman with another woman. Fact four -- in many of my fantasies and daydreams, I was often a woman with a man. Three out of four of those facts screamed "Gay!" at me.

I figured I should consider the possibility that I was gay. After a few talks with some gay friends and a quick perusal of some gay "romance novels", I was quickly convinced that as a man, I did not want, did not desire, did not have the slightest inclination to be romantic with another man. However, I was still confused. Here is what I now knew: in reality, I like women; in fantasy, I liked both.

I knew that in my fantasies I wanted to be a woman. That along with my general feelings on crossdressing led me to believe I might be transsexual. Much literature on the subject written back then suggested that many transsexuals had experienced shifts in their sexual preferences, and I figured that in a worse case scenario, I would be bi-sexual, and hoped that correcting all the "plumbing" would make me a straight woman in search of a good man.

After dating my girlfriend for awhile, I began counselling on my transgenderism. My doctor was very practical in his outlook and very helpful. I asked him one day if he thought I was gay. He asked if I dated men or women, and I replied women. He told me I was straight. I then brought up the subject of my fantasy in which I was a woman with a man. He told me I was straight. I asked how he could be so sure. He replied that I was fantasizing about a man and a woman having sex -- what was gay about that? I answered that it was gay because I was the woman in the fantasy. I then started to see what he was getting at, and realized I still had a lot more work to do in figuring out my fantasies. Even if I did work at deciphering my fantasies, they were still just fantasies. In real life I was physically male and enjoyed dating women. Fantasies would never change that.

Fantasies are not real. Fantasies are not factual. If one of your fantasies were to come true, there is no guarantee that you would like that fantasy as a reality. Fantasies are just a variation on the classic daydream. Ever have a daydream about going skinny-dipping in a mountain spring on a hot day? My real experiences with mountain springs tells me they are usually a bit cold for skinny-dipping.

I'm confident in my sexuality these days, even if the trip to that destination was a bit convoluted.

Kelli

Glass Closets

I've mentioned before that I find dreams very interesting. I seem to have a fairly active dream life (in technicolor, no less) and have often found them very helpful. Depending on the subject matter, I can observe a problem in waking life, go to sleep, and dream a solution. I've had dreams that were purely entertaining, and I have had dreams that seemed to deal with personal obstacles and problems. Some dreams I was actually able to interpret into meaningful insights on my life, and some dreams still remain a mystery to me.

Several years ago, I found myself facing the same question from three different sources. At the time, I had a girlfriend (now an ex-), became involved in a local cross dressing group, and was seeing a therapist. I became involved in the cross dressing group about the same time I began seriously dating my girlfriend. When I felt I had no choice, I came out to my girlfriend about Kelli and later began therapy sessions about my cross dressing.

I need to add here that I have always been, and still am, in the closet about my TGism. I was originally silent on the subject because of fear, but as I've aged and been around the block a few times, I'm not really interested in the whole world knowing about Kelli. I seem to have no problems with Kelli and other TG friends, and no problems with Kelli and therapists. Kelli and girlfriends/family seem to be another matter.

That leaves my male side (referred to as "Kelly" here) for girlfriends (even when they know Kelli) and family. I was confident that folks I didn't want to introduce to Kelli didn't know anything about her. That confidence was shattered by my TG friends, therapist, and ex-girlfriend. About the same time, the same conversation came up with all three about whether or not they knew anything about Kelli. For example, my ex-girlfriend knew me as "Kelly", but after I introduced her to Kelli she told me that she knew something was up -- that something was different about me. I knew my therapist for several years as a friend before I began seeing him for Kelli. He told me he knew I was "different" and wasn't really surprised to meet Kelli.

That led me to wonder what I had done to tip them off. True I'm not an overly testosteroned, beer-gutted, skirt-chasing, can't hold a conversation without mentioning a favorite sports team, type of guy, but then I am definitely not the "metrosexual" type either. I have a tough time deciding between going fishing and having my nails done.

I worried quite a bit. Although my ex-girlfriend knew, I hadn't told my family about Kelli. My ex-girlfriend was having enough problems about her, and I knew my family would completely freak. I made a mental note to try to act more manly around these folks, but really didn't know what actions, male or female, were giving me away.

Then I had this crazy dream.... In the dream, I had gone to visit my parents. I found myself in my old room, which looked completely normal, but I was now a woman. I had a feminine hairdo, a pretty face, and a figure that I would be willing to kill for if there was ever a chance I could actually get it!!! It's okay... I'm calm... breathe deeply.... Anyway, I was dressed for bed (wearing a babydoll nightie, of all things!) and in bed, reading a book. The door to my closet was open, and it was full of dresses, blouses, and cute shoes. My old desk was now covered in make-up and hair care items. There was a knock on the door and Mom entered my room. She sat on the edge of my bed and said, "Kelly [addressed me as a male], I need to ask you an important and personal question. Are you a cross dresser?" I found myself gasping and sitting upright as I awoke from the dream.

That silly dream made a big impression on me regarding what people think of me. I can't help what other people think of me. I could do my best to act macho for those who don't know Kelli, but then they wouldn't know Kelly either. All they would know was some person trying to imitate someone he/she wasn't. I'm lazy, so I'll keep it simple -- I'll let people love or hate me for who I am. Kelli is a big part of me, and you will see a bit of her in Kelly. Kelly is a big part of me, and you will see a bit of him in Kelli. I'm doing better on combining these two aspects of my life, and I'm feeling much better by doing that.

And on the subject of who knows and who doesn't know about Kelli, at the moment, everyone that I want to know about Kelli knows. For those who think they know, it's up to them whether they want to approach me on the subject or not. Trying to read minds gives me nothing but a headache.

The Same Although Different

In reading the past few entries, I feel I've covered enough ground concerning why I think this blog will be a bit different from most, and why I feel a bit different even within the TG community. I'm sure I'll be writing on this subject again, but I also wanted to say something about how I seem to be the same as most everyone in the TG community.

I noticed that, gender wise, I was not like other children early in my youth. I remember I wanted to play house with the other girls in pre-school. In elementary school I hated sports. I was something of "my own man" throughout public school, just being myself and coping with whatever consequences that brought on. People who didn't like me considered me a loner or the "creepy quiet guy". My friends, the people I hung out with, considered me one of them, and didn't notice anything unusual about me (and thus negating the loner and "creepy quiet guy" labels).

I kept pretty quiet about my feelings. I remember finding quiet time alone with a box of old knitting and fashion magazines. I would stare at the ads for "breast enhancement creams", figure enhancing female undergarments, the latest fashions for spring, and amazing sex secrets to attract any man. I remember noticing my body was changing as I was physically maturing, and I wondered why I couldn't mature into a beautiful young woman. That is what I wanted more than anything else at the time.

When I was about ten years old, I saw a story on the news that shocked me -- a man on the local police force was undergoing a sex change operation and would be returning to work as a woman. I thought to myself "That could be me!"

Like many young TGs, the moment I moved away into a place of my own, I began working on my feminine side. Back in the days before the internet, the most common place to start was the local "adult bookstore" (more appropriately called the "local porn dealer"). I found a few transgender-themed porn magazines I could tolerate (I'm not a big porn fan), but within those magazines I actually found ads for legitimate businesses and organizations that let me know transgenderism was not something to be placed under the classification or "perversion" or "adult porn industry".

I began buying copies of the magazine from I.F.G.E. (I forgot what it was called back then), CrossTalk, and others. Thanks to the contacts section, I was able to find a cross dressing group about 90 miles from where I was living. I carefully contacted them and my progress continued.

There were setbacks along the way. A couple of times when I moved, I completely purged myself of anything Kelli. When I look back at all the clothes, books, and magazines I destroyed, I consider it a great tragedy, especially now that I know how silly it was to purge myself of those things. Transgenderism does not go away simply because you deny it.

The internet has been heaven-sent in my opinion, for people like us. If it had been around back when I was undergoing counseling, I often wonder how much further I could have gone in those sessions (the sessions went very well, I'm glad I went, and I recommend counseling to those who need it).

Long story short, I'm now much happier. There's more peace between my male and female sides, and since I came to the conclusion that neither one of those sides is going away, this is the best possible outcome for all (myself and those around me).

Kelli

3-24-2010 Misc.

I need to mention a few odds and ends here...

1. I got my first blog follower! Yay! [Dancing as a woman at the moment, because when I dance as a man, I look like a dork.]
2. Is Larry King still alive?
3. My secret claim to fame -- I once lived next door to Barbie.
4. I'm currently following several more blogs and hope to add them to the list in the right hand column soon.
   
5. I'm trying to start the rumor that the owner of the Cadillac Ranch originally wanted to use Edsels.
6. I have never seen an episode of American Idol.
7. I'm a huge fan of Ranma 1/2. It was the first Japanese manga I read and makes me laugh out loud. I'm still searching for those cursed springs in China....
8. Did they ever find a rhyme for "orange"?
9. I enjoy dreaming of everyday life in my Maidenform Bra.
10. All the women agree -- I've got great legs!

Kelli

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Now that I have put things more or less into a frame of reference by using Kelli's Simplified Dictionary of Scary Words, I need to explain another highly important aspect of my being. In fact, it is the most important aspect of my being. I am a Christian -- born again believer, follower of the way, a member of those who have been redeemed, one of the saints, etc. In my profile, I actually go one step further and state that I am a conservative Christian. I am a member of a "mainline" denomination (you pass by our church buildings and schools everyday) and was saved in my youth.

WAIT!!! DON'T STOP READING YET!!! THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO EXPLAIN!!!

Okay. Let's look at Kelli's Simplified Dictionary of Scary Words to put my religious beliefs in context.

• conservative Christian -- holding established and/or moderate views and interpretations as found in the Holy Scriptures (Bible).

Nowhere in that definition will you find any mention of transgenderism, autogynephilia, cross dressing, or transexualism. Using common interpretations of the Bible, you will find very little, if anything, on those subjects.

On the flip side of the coin, transgenderism, autogynephilia, cross dressing, and transexualism make no demands that a person observe any sort of religious or philosophical belief system on anything.

BOTTOM LINE: Christianity and TGism (transgenderism, autogynephilia, cross dressing, transexualism) are not at odds with each other. A man putting on a woman's silk blouse, or a woman putting on a favourite piece of male attire does not make them a sinner!

Now immediately, there are many out there that are going to say "Yay! Kelli Roberts said I could dress like a woman and attend my favourite Pentecostal/Church of Christ/Methodist/Baptist/Presbyterian/Catholic/Salvationist/etc. church and it was okay!" My response to that is "No, I did not say that, and, no, you probably could not do that." That opens up a whole other can of worms, and I'll have to deal with that in another post.

What I wanted to do in this post was to let you know that a lot of people (trans and non-trans) have issues with many things that, in the sight of the Lord, don't warrant issue status. A transgendered person is not sinning by dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex, but a person falsely accusing that transgendered person of sin, is actually the one who is committing sin. It probably won't happen in my lifetime, but I am committed to ridding the world of both scenarios. God's Word was designed to bring good things to mankind. In the hands of sinful man that message is sometimes corrupted and looses some of its goodness.

Kelli

Intro & Observations

Hello cyber space!

I'm Kelli, the humble author of this humble little blog. Please bear with me as I'm still new at blogging. This is sort of an experiment for me.

I'm no stranger to the internet. I've been out web surfing (in a favourite bikini) for several years now. The internet is a wonderful place for people with transgenderism and gender-related issues. However, I've noticed disturbing trends among many of the prominent websites that are out there:

1. A lot of website authors are very dogmatic in their gender-related views. They claim to speak for the majority and anyone who questions that is quickly shouted down.
2. I have been to several sites that claim if you suffer from gender-dysphoria, the cure is sex reassignment surgery (SRS, sex-change) and that if you refuse that "cure", then you are a liar (you do not suffer from gender-dysphoria).
3. There are sites that claim that you are either a cross dresser or a transsexual. There are no other options.
4. There are sites urging you to be political for gender-related issues, such as demanding the right to dress anyway you want, and pushing for socialized medical sex-changes for everyone.
5. And, of course, there are sites treating the various gender-related subjects in a pornographic context.

As you can probably guess by now, you will not find any of that on my blog or website.

First, I welcome all views on gender-related issues. I might not agree with them all, and I might tell you where I disagree with them, but I will not shout down or tell someone their feelings are a mistake (which you can't really do with feelings and emotions anyway).

Second, I believe there are many "cures" and "treatments" and "living arrangements" for people with gender-related issues. You find the one you want to follow -- don't let someone else make important life decisions for you.

Third, I believe there are so many different labels and diagnosed conditions along the gender spectrum that trying to limit them to fewer than four or five causes more harm than good.

Fourth, I don't push my personal views or desires on anyone. I freely state my ideas and thoughts. The listener is free to do with those thoughts as he or she wants. Like I said in my profile, I'm a conservative Christian (the offering plate will be passed before the sermon).

And finally, there will be no pornography on this site. I don't believe the subject matter should be freely discussed around children, but at the same time, I think if a young person were to wonder across this site, they would probably fall asleep from boredom before they read too far. Don't look for any pictures (I don't even plan on putting a "regular" picture of myself up) and don't look for any steamy stories. I've stopped going to many sites because they devolved into pornographic story and picture collections. I find real life "steamy" enough and will use discretion in dealing with that.

I'll do my own wading into the waters of gender confusion and ambiguity, thank you very much, and I'll post what I find. If you disagree with me, that's fine... it won't hurt my feelings at all. If you agree with what I have discovered, then I am happy to have found another brother or sister.