What The Heck Is A Conservative Christian TG Gal?

I use the phrase "conservative christian TG gal" to describe myself, but wanted to clarify that phrase briefly in a blog post.  The "conservative" in my description refers to "christian", or my religious beliefs.  It does not refer to my political views.  Some folks may find that confusing, but wait, there is more.

As far as conservative christian, I am a member of the Baptist church.  I know what you are thinking -- those folks are not the friendliest towards transgendered people.  You may be right, but I am also still in the closet as to my transgenderism.  Oh, I've been out and about many times en femme, but I don't broadcast it.  I'm not making a statement when I go out en femme, I'm simply enjoying a moment.  I've never attended a church service dressed as a woman, and the church I attend would never want me to do that even if they knew about my transgenderism.  That's okay with me.  I have absolutely no complaints or regrets.  Many christians have false or outdated notions about transgenderism, but I am confident things will improve with time, patience, and love.  In my time left on this earth my church may not allow me to dress as a woman for services, but if they ever know about me they may one day respond with Biblical love instead of shunning me (which I don't believe is a Biblical response).

A coping method I use in life when confronting a situation is imagining the worse possible outcome and preparing for that.  For me, my church learning of my transgenderism would be bad, and I have decided that the worse possible outcome would be the congregation retrieving all the pitch forks and torches from the hall closet and chasing me out of town.  I have since examined that hall closet and found no pitch forks or torches.  Sometimes our imagined fears are the scariest things we will ever face.  Gotta smile, because no matter what, I know God loves me.

Now as for politics, over the years I have voted for everyone from libertarians to socialists.  I vote issues, so specific political parties can never really count on my vote every time.  Also, many years ago, I realized that the subject of politics was becoming extremely polarizing in the U.S.  For example, no matter which party wins the presidency, the opposing party in recent elections has verbally vented their displeasure in obscene and alarming terms.  I will have no part of this and not be associated with those who act in such a uncivil manner, so I have a rule over NEVER discussing politics... ever!

Kelli

OBSESSION by Kelli

First thing first, I'm not talking about the perfume.  I'm talking about our little ol' minds taking in something, not being able to forget it, and constantly reminding us about it every day.  I'm talking about obsessing over something, and these things can be very annoying.

I've obsessed over various things throughout the years.  Some would say my transgenderism was an obsession, and I guess I couldn't really argue about that although it seems to be a bit more permanent than the average obsession.  I've obsessed over various women, clothes, music, and places.  My latest obsession seems strangest yet as I am currently obsessing over an image I found on the internet.

This image is technically an animated GIF (sorry if I pronounced that incorrectly) and from a page of TG caps.  Yes, even us christian TG gals like TG caps (although I draw the line at excessive sex and vulgar language).  This one is not even 100% TG as it also contains references to sissies, slaves, hypnosis, and masters.  I would re post it here on my blog, but there is a modest amount of nudity (the back of a naked woman is shown) and I like keeping my blog family friendly.

When I first saw the image, I immediately saved it to my computer.  Later, I moved it to my desktop so I could access it quickly anytime I needed to do so.  Last night I put it on my cell phone and glanced at it dozens of times while at work today.  This is highly pleasurable and annoying at the same time, not to mention the time lost at work looking at a stupid picture!  Just looking at the picture and imagining myself as the woman calms me.  I can actually feel my breathing and heart rate slowing.  It's also very encouraging as I have recently started a diet and exercise program and have already set this woman as a goal (yes, I know I will never get there, but I can be closer than I am now).

I've never asked another transgendered person if they obsess, but would love to hear from those that do.  As long as the effects of that obsession are positive, I know I shouldn't complain and just embrace the positive aspects.  Still, it bugs me that I have so little self discipline to let this control me.  Ah, what will be will be.

Kelli

Siri, Alexa, and Cortana Are On To Me!

I have separate male and female online accounts for things like Google and various social media.  Ten years ago, this arrangement worked well.  Kelli could shop online for clothes, do a little blogging, and read e-mail addressed specifically to her, then log off and let my male side do the same.  No unauthorized persons or entities knew that Kelli had a male side and vice versa.  Everybody was happy and peace reigned in the enchanted kingdom.

Then, social media started getting nosey.  Since more and more of our lives was being recorded online, it was easier for social media to begin forming databases of who we were and what we were doing.  Social media began suggesting that we contact "these folks" who shared common interests, or did we know about these distant relatives that we had never met, or did you know that you live five minutes away from a White Castle?  At this moment in time, social media probably knows as much about Kelli as it does my male side.

Since I am one and the same person, there is online overlap between my male and female sides.  An example of this would be online friends both Kelli and my male side follow and communicate with.  Both sides also have people that communicate exclusively with either the male or female side.  This includes businesses as well.

So a year or so ago I was shocked when my male side received a friend suggestion from Google + that I should be friends with Kelli.  I later laughed and joked that it was because we lived in the same neighborhood.  Still, what I didn't realize was that it was a case of social media (even Google +) getting smarter and more curious about each of us.

Now most all of us with a smart phone are also living with a Siri, Alexa, or Cortana, and these gals are now freaking me out.  I will verbally mention that I am interested in something while talking to a friend, and the next time I go online I'll see advertisements for that very item.  Has my smart phone been listening to me?

The latest incident spooked me pretty good, although most folks wouldn't give it a second thought.  (I do get a little paranoid every now and then.)  Last Christmas I bought my first Barbie doll.  I had always lamented the fact that as a boy I wasn't allowed to play with them, and now that I am an adult I can do so without getting into trouble.  And this Barbie is perfect for me.  She is a musician Barbie, came with her own guitar and electric piano, and is dressed in a style that would suit me perfectly -- grey knit short-sleeved top and blue white print skirt to just above the knees with tennis shoes.  I fell in love with her and currently have her on my desk watching my computer screen.

A couple times since I have anonymously been on big store websites and glanced through a few Barbie accessories just to see if something caught my eye, but that was my only activity online.  I mentioned Barbie a few times at home in the company of my smart phone, but didn't think anything about it.  Then last night, I logged into YouTube as Kelli.  Suggested videos popped onto the screen that included lots of Barbie videos.  Why did this happen?  I never knew there were Barbie videos!  I'm not really interested in Barbie videos!  How did YouTube generate this suggestion?

Just wait.  Before long, I'll be online as Kelli and Alexa will remind me I need more shaving creme, or my male side will be on social media which will remind me that Kelli's birthday is next week and I should buy her some lingerie.  I hate to stereotype, but these gals just can't keep a secret!

Kelli

Happy 2017!!!

Happy New Year everyone.  I hope the new year is everything good you hope and pray for.

I will be returning to my blogs this year.  I really can't believe it has been almost three years since I did a full post on this blog.  Anything exciting happen TG-wise in the past three years?

Kelli

COMING SOON: Kelli 2.0

My blog lives!  Please pardon moi while I prepare to return with my random thoughts.


Kelli

Please Stop Trying to Read My Mind!

I'm being serious on this subject.  There are people trying to read other people's minds, and I wish they would stop.  It serves no useful purpose and is very annoying to us whose minds are being probed.

Recently, a college football player announced he was gay and was planning to be drafted into the NFL as the first openly gay football player.  Sorry for the lack of specific facts.  I don't follow professional football like I did in the past.  If the story had been about a cheerleader who came out as gay, I probably would have paid more attention to the story  (CAUTION:  Please keep your mind out of the gutter.  I'm just more interested in cheerleaders than football players.  Wait, that didn't help.  Nevermind!).

So I've heard various opinions expressed on this.  Some people think it is great.  Some people are indifferent (like me).  Some people have concerns on the matter and have brought up the old "What is he thinking?" question.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  A straight football player in the locker room sees a gay football player look at him and, in a fit of paranoia, decides the gay football player is leering at him and is disgusted at the thought of a man finding him attractive.  Paranoia is bad.  Absurd paranoia is absurdly bad.  People!  Chill!  Knowing with 100% accuracy the thoughts of another person is impossible without that person actually stating what he is thinking.

Years ago, while in a serious relationship with a young woman, I decided I needed help dealing with my gender issues and went to a friend who happened to be a psychiatrist.  Back in the day, I was worried if I was a transvestite or transexual.  After several visits, the doctor told me that was not the question.  He said my problem was depression (which I knew I had and had refused to seek treatment for) and we needed to deal with that first.

I told my girlfriend I was seeing a therapist, but outside of that I didn't tell her much.  I didn't give her weekly reviews of what we discussed or what I was thinking.  It never occurred to me that she might want this.  One day we got into an argument and she yelled "Well, that doctor is helping you to become a woman anyway, so I guess I don't have much room in this relationship!"  I was stunned and tried to assure her that was not happening.  I found myself wanting the doctor to cure me of gender issues, the doctor wanted to cure me of depression, and my girlfriend was convinced the doctor was about to prescribe hormones and a sex change for me.  Why was she so certain of all this?  She had apparently read my mind, which is impossible and absurd.  You can't win against impossible and absurd arguments.

The Good Book says we are to bear "good fruit" and we are to know others by the fruit they bear.  This refers to the works we do in this life.  A good person should be bearing good fruit, or doing good deeds.  An evil person will bear bad or rotten fruit -- evil deeds.  If a person has never done evil to me, why should I consider that person evil?  If I know for certain of no evil deeds done by this person to others, why should I consider that person evil?  The same works in reverse.  If a person does me evil, I should not be expecting good from this person.

By the way, Paul wrote to the church at Corinth that we are to basically give each other the benefit of a doubt too.  To misinterpret a person's actions and accuse them of evil when the actions had a good intention is bad too.

Stop trying to read people's minds.  You'll save yourself some grief and paranoia.  Now if only I could convince the NSA of this.

Kelli

Keeping Up To Date With The Internet

Once when I was a kid, back in the early seventies, our television broke.  The repairman diagnosed the problem as a burned-out picture tube and said it would take a week to get a new one.  As a kid, you would think an Old Testament prophet had proclaimed a famine in the land by our response.  No television for a week!  What would we do?  We'll perish without television!

Then Dad assured us everything would be alright because we still had radio.  I looked quizzically at Dad and said that was fine for music, but radio didn't have any shows (comedies or dramas).  Dad stuck to his guns, and totally failed at proving his point.  Radio comedies and dramas pretty much disappeared from the airwaves by 1960 in the U.S.  Dad hadn't realized this and seemed very out-of-date to us kids.  Ironically, as I write this, I realize that to people born after 2000, terms like "picture tube" and "tv repairman" seem quaint and archaic.  I reassure myself that it has probably been 35 years since I last used these terms, so I feel more current with the times.

One of the fun things about crossdressing is keeping up to date.  Makeup is always changing.  Makeup essentials -- mascara, blush, eye shadow, powder -- seem fairly constant from decade to decade, yet the application of these elements on the human face along with seasonal changes in color, changes season to season even from morning to night.

Fashion changes!  I would love to dress like women from the sixties or seventies, but came to the realization that I would look like I just walked off the set of Here's Lucy or Laugh In.  Hot pants cause a girl to stand out, no matter the size of the crowd.
 
I've discovered the hard way that the internet also changes.  I had an old desktop computer that served me faithfully for about six years until the hard drive crashed.  Over the years, my browser had amassed a large collection of TG bookmarks.  One day, I noticed that I had dozens of bookmarks, but only had a half dozen sites that I regularly read and that were actually beneficial.  I decided to weed the bookmarks and began visiting the old sites.

Now the oldest of these bookmarks were five years old.  To my surprise, the majority of these bookmarks were now useless because the sites and blogs they led to were now gone.  My favorite blogging site now had competition like Pinterest and Tumblr, which had not existed five years earlier.  That was a pretty fast change in the internet (to me, anyway), and I had been caught snoozing.  Actually, the big migration to Pinterest and Tumblr would have occurred in a matter of weeks or months, but discovering this years after the fact just shocked me even more.

Since purging my computer of porn, I'm hoping to spend more time on many other things, including my little blog, and I hope to update the "Blogs I Follow" gadget in the sidebar.  I follow some very popular and beneficial blogs that I should share with others.  There's plenty of porn on the internet that is easy to find.  There's not enough good character -building sites on the internet, and if these sites also improve our fashion sense, so much the better.

Kelli

Purging the Internet

In my last post I referenced the fact that I had greatly refined and reduced my time spent surfing the internet.  After following this new practice for about a month, I have to admit I'm a bit surprised at the results.  I'm extremely happy with the newly freed hours in my life that have been claimed by more important and fruitful pursuits, yet I feel like I have a bit of a hangover from drinking in too much of what the internet offers.  This is probably due to the addictive nature of my problem, and I'm confident it will decrease in intensity as I do my best to temper my online activities.

One of the first things I did when attacking this problem was deciding to rid myself of all "porn".  I've placed the word "porn" in quotations for the moment only because I feel the need to qualify.  Porn is bad, no matter what.  I consider myself a good Christian girl from the midwest, so having to deal with this issue is doubly shameful to me.  But, I think I got pulled into some porn because I don't view porn like non-transgendered men.

It is a rite of young manhood that you will be exposed to porn.  I found myself in such situations when I was young.  However, in my case, it didn't matter if it was magazines or videos, I was never interested in any sort of porn, straight, gay, or fetish.  I attribute part of this to my Christian upbringing, and part to just confusion in my mind as I found myself fantasizing about being a woman and couldn't figure out where that placed me in the straight-gay-fetish timeline.

When the internet came along, a whole new world opened up to the transgender community.  Tons of beneficial information and resources suddenly became available worldwide, and along with all this information came tons of bad things like porn.  The porn industry has its tentacles firmly entrenched in the internet and does its best to infiltrate and pervert those areas of the internet that shun pornography.  If you don't believe me, try doing an internet search for something completely innocent, such as searching for a favorite children's cartoon character, and see how far you have to go in the search results before you start coming across XXX sites.

My progression in internet surfing went like this:  started with bona fide and legitimate TG websites, followed by websites featuring TG artwork, followed by TG caption and fiction websites, followed by websites featuring nicely and appropriately attired cross dressers, followed by racy and adult TG artwork, and capped with websites featuring cross dressers who "let it all hang out".

One day I took a step back and noticed that last group of websites -- letting it all hang out.  On one hand, I enjoyed how feminine some of these cross dressers looked.  On the other hand, they completely ruined their feminine appearance by proclaiming their masculinity.  It was then that I noticed I was on a slippery slope and didn't like where I was heading.  Something that appears both good and bad will ultimately just be bad for you in the long run.

I enjoy pictures of feminine cross dressers.  I admire the work they put into looking like a woman.  I admire their taste in clothes.  I admire that they were brave enough to take that photo of themselves in the middle of Disneyland, or some such public place.  Nothing wrong with that.  The "let it all hang out" pictures proclaimed a pornographic aspect that I had never wanted in my life, but had sneaked in through an open window.  I had to close that window, sweep out the house, and reclaim my home.

If Kelli Land was an actual place, I would want it to be a place the whole family could come with no fear that anything inappropriate would be within reach of anyone -- young or old, male or female.  I don't want Kelli Land to be a glorified adult book store.  I'm better than that, and by getting rid of the bad in my life, I've got more time for the good which will prove that I'm better.

Kelli

Purging!

Sorry for not writing lately.  I hope and pray that will be changing a bit.

Most all of us have heard of purging, and quite a few of us have done it from time to time.  Purging, for the gender-flexible, usually involves ridding our alter ego's of their clothes, books, belongings, etc.  I've purged myself of Kelli's things many times over the decades... I mean... years (I can't be THAT old).  The reasons have ranged from trying to rid myself of all things feminine in my life to living situations that were less than private to having nosy girlfriends.

For the benefit of younger readers, let me just caution you that purging never improved my condition.  Even experts will tell you that your transgenderism, crossdressing, transvestism, transexualism, crossdreaming, gender dysphoria, eonism, whatever the heck you want to call it, etc., will probably not be cured (go away) by purging.  Your best course of action is learning to live with it and turning it into something more positive.  The only happiness my purging brought about took place in the lives of the ladies who frequented the local thrift stores in my neighborhood.

However, I just purged myself of something that I think will be positive.  I just purged myself of the internet (at least a big portion of it).  Best I can tell, I think I was addicted to the internet.  I could spend hours every day looking at transgender pictures and artwork, saving favorite TG captions to my hard drive, reading the latest TG fiction, etc.  I would surf the web every morning up to time to leave for work.  After work, the first thing I would do upon arriving home would be to prop up my heels, check my e-mail and start surfing again for a couple more hours.  Time for bed?  Not before I check the e-mail and Twitter again followed by more surfing.

For some time I felt that this was some sort of compulsive behaviour, but I couldn't see any negative effects.  It wasn't until I could no longer deny the fact that I was ignoring other things in my life because I was surfing the internet that I decided something had to change.  I finally decided one night a few weeks ago that I was no longer going to surf the internet, resolved that the next day I would commit myself to this change, and went to bed.

Then, things took a strange turn.  I got up that morning to check my e-mails before going to work and found my hard drive had been erased.  Everything was gone!  I was shocked.  Nothing like this had ever happened to me before.  Then I was very annoyed and a bit angry.  True, I had promised that I would no longer surf the internet, but in this day and age I rely very heavily on e-mail and Twitter.  I needed a computer for work and personal use.  It looked like I was going to be buying a new computer, which I did not look forward to doing.

Later that day, I was looking for some important personal papers.  My important paper filing system is very simple, but not very efficient.  I take a large box and label it "IMPORTANT PAPERS 201X", and all the important papers I get that year go in that box.  It works unless I can't remember the year.  So I'm looking in a box of important papers and find... the recovery discs for my computer.  What they were doing in a box of important papers, I'll never know.  I slapped the discs into the DVD drive and within an hour had a bare-bones computer running once again.  I was thrilled and started checking my e-mail.

Looking back on this, I can't help but feel a higher power was giving me a little help in my purging.  By ridding my computer of the browser, all my bookmarks, and any files that could easily be used to recreated a papertrail, I got a fresh start that I had never considered.  Having my computer wiped of its information has been a terrific blessing.

So now, I spend 2-3 hours a day at home and work on e-mail and Twitter, but that's pretty much all.  I have a few (less than six) blogs that I like to check everyday, but none with TG pictures/artwork or such.  In other words, they are pretty much "G" rated, or as innocent as TG subjects can be presented.  The hours that have been reclaimed for personal living are spent with my music, going outside, more personal interaction, and resuming work on a college degree.

Now if you're wondering if I've been tempted to return to my old ways, the answers is "Good heaven's yes!"  I guess it was the first night after I had rebuilt the hard drive on my computer, I was tempted to mindlessly surf the web.  As a Christian, I had to chuckle at myself.  Does the devil really think I'm that big of a pushover???

Kelli

September 11

Chelsea Manning

Many years ago, many in the transgender community were insistent that anyone seeing themselves as trans should be immediately supplied whatever they needed to do whatever level of transitioning they needed.  The heck with the expert opinions of doctors and psychiatrists, all forms of health insurance and health care needed to cover this and it was to be served-up on a silver platter to the person desiring some level of transition.  Maybe the person just needed a new nose in order to feel prettier.  Maybe the person wanted some really ripped biceps that looked sexy in a man's tank top.  Or maybe the person wanted the whole package with whatever additions, subtractions, or enhancements were wanted.  Access without question or hindrance was the goal.

There is a minority of us who feel getting whatever we want whenever we want might not always be a good thing.  The Bible teaches that there is wisdom in the counsel of others.  I don't care how far advanced modern medicine is at gender change, if you make a wrong decision at some point in the process, it is difficult to impossible to undo that mistake and put things back the way they were.

Then the early reports of prison inmates demanding sex changes were published in the news media, and many of those same people who had demanded free, no-holds barred access to sex changes began to modify their stance, saying criminals demanding such treatment gave the trans community a black eye.

To my surprise, I found myself on the other side of the argument.  If a prison inmate can demonstrate need and doctor's approval, I'm in favor of them receiving whatever treatment they need.  This probably stems from my goody-two-shoes (which are black patent, by the way) attitude that I truly want to help those in prison become better persons.  Yes, it's probably pie-in-the-sky, but I would rather try to do good for someone rather than nothing at all.

Chelsea Manning recently came out as trans and plans to transition while in prison.  Apart from the crimes this person committed (as determined by a military court of law), if you can find anything on the personal life of Chelsea, you will see that this is a person who was possibly preyed upon by others, was already terribly confused in her personal life, and could have really used good counsel from friends, family, and church which she apparently never got.  That's already a great tragedy in anyone's life.  She has to live this tragedy along with the tragedy that sent her to a military prison.

Long story short, when you say your prayers at night, I think this is a person worth mentioning in those prayers.  Pray that she gets the help she needs.  When looking for great things to happen in people's lives, the Good Lord is always first on the list to seek that help from.

Kelli

College, Sororities, Co-eds, and Cheerleaders. Oh my!

I was returning home from work this evening and passed by one of the local colleges.  Classes start Monday and all the students were returning to their dormitories and apartments.  The university seemed to be a sea of organized chaos.  There were groups of students and parents taking tours of the campus.  New students were gathered around bus stops trying to decipher the various routes.  Professors were opening their offices and checking their mail at the union.  Oh, and many of the young college ladies were sporting some of the cutest back to school fashions I had ever seen!  I was in autogynephillia heaven.

It's been a few years since I was a college student, but while traveling down one particular street that was lined with fraternity and sorority houses, I recalled some memories that I had never fully considered before.  I actively dated when I was in college.  In hindsight my autogynephilia was probably a bigger factor than I realized at the time.  I now wonder what role it played in the women I dated and even for the reasons I dated them.

Sex was never a big issue with any of the women I dated.  At least it wasn't for me.  Part of that was due to my Christian upbringing, but part of it I later found was due to my gender issues.  The one thing I dislike the most during intimacy is for my partner to remind me that I am the man.  It sounds like I'm making a joke, but when I close my eyes, I'm not fantasizing that my partner is Sofia Vergara -- I'm fantasizing that I am Sofia Vergara (or at least a woman).  No offense to Ms. Vergara whom I am told is a wonderful person, talented actress, and drop-dead gorgeous!

And speaking of fraternities and sororities, I also recalled that during college I was never interested in fraternities.  They actually seemed like a waste of time to me.  My girlfriend's sorority, on the other hand, was very interesting.  I was not interested in the sorority as in a man's interest in the women of the sorority.  I was interested in socializing with them as a person who wanted to be a part of their group.  I thought my girlfriend's sorority sisters were wonderful people while the guys in the fraternities I was eligible to join were neanderthals.

Back in the stone age days when I was in college, I used that opportunity to research my gender issues.  I would find any book I could at the library, find a quiet corner, and read and study, searching for magazine articles, microfilm, anything.  Back then I was given two options -- transvestite or transexual -- and neither option seemed a perfect fit.  Contacting others who had similar interests involved obtaining contact magazines that were generally sold in stores I would rather not frequent.  I found others, discovered it was best to embrace my "hobby", and waited for science to catch up with what I knew and theorized.  I thank the Good Lord for seeing me through all this and also thank Him for how much better current college students have it.

Kids today have the internet, social media, videophones, walkie-talkie wristwatches, and flying cars.  Okay, maybe they don't have access to all that as of yet, but they have access to lots more knowledge, lots more science, and lots more people for support.  It's common now for colleges to even have student crossdressing clubs and organizations.  In a way, it makes me proud of these young people.

If I ever go back to college, I've already picked the perfect gown to wear when I get my sorority pin.  Or maybe I'll just be happy with the way things are today.

Kelli

CPDF

I felt like trying to be hip and trendy this morning and thought I would suggest a brand new public ailment that needs proper documentation and treatment.  This ailment is spreading fast across the country, and the vast majority of people who suffer from it are in denial due to shame, ignorance, and hypocrisy.  I have labeled this ailment CPDF -- Cell Phone Driver Face.

Cell Phone Driver Face (CPDF) is the expression on a motor vehicle operator's face, who is also talking on a cell phone, and has just done something incredibly stupid and/or dangerous almost resulting in a vehicle accident. After numerous car horns and shouts from the offended party, the driver who is talking on his/her cell phone will proceed forward as if nothing happened while staring stupidly at the offended party as if he/she is unable to comprehend what has just happened.  Their eyes are non-blinking and vacant.  Their mouth hangs open.  Their head is turned so as to stare at the person they almost had a collision with while the cell phone is pulled slightly away from the ear but still within range to hear the person at the other end of the line.  In rare occasions when I have been able to speak with a person who suffers from CPDF and has almost been in a traffic accident, they have, at best, a poor recollection of what just happened and in some cases don't realize they were almost the cause of a major traffic accident.

One of my favorite places to get coffee is the local convenience store (I love you 7-Eleven!!!).  To get there, I have to cross the street.  On my return after purchasing coffee, I waited at the light until I got the "walk" sign.  Everyone is suppose to stop at a red light.  That includes all cars and trucks, pedestrians, cyclists, people wanting to turn right, people wanting to turn left, and people wanting to continue through.  Everybody stops at a red light so people with the green light (in this case, me) can proceed.  I started walking through the intersection with my coffee.  I was directly in front of a little sport car when the driver decided to proceed with a right turn through the red light.  I realized I was about to be hit by a car and braced myself by planting my left hand on the hood of the car while my right hand held my coffee.  I yelled and he momentarily stopped.  I thought he must have now seen me or heard me, but no, he then proceeded forward again.  With my left hand still on the hood of his car, I jumped and swung my body over the fender of his car, like a fence gate.  To my great surprise, he had not actually hit me with his car.  I then noticed that even after that, he hadn't stopped.  He continued forward.  I saw his window was rolled down and yelled "Hey!" as he drove by.  He stared stupidly at me, his eyes non-blinking and vacant.  His mouth hung open and I saw his cell phone slightly ajar from his right ear.  He continued his right turn and sped off.

Similar incidents have happened to me in the past.  I've blown the horn on my car at people who ran red lights.  I saw their silhouette through their car window -- head turned towards me, cell phone slightly ajar from their right ear, jaw appeared to be elongated from an open mouth.  I was unable to actually see their eyes, but I have a good assumption of what they looked like.  I consider my observations and theories on this subject quite solid and anticipate hearing from the American Psychiatric and Head Shrink Association very soon for inclusion in the DSM.

One important note I must include on this is that I have gotten the same response of CPDF while out en femme and no traffic altercations occurred.  However, I consider this a sub-group within the defined limits of CPDF as cell-phones were involved.

By the way, in my altercation with the guy who almost ran me down and I swung out over his fender to avoid being hit, I am very proud to also report that I didn't spill a single drop of coffee.  The Good Lord knows I love coffee!

Kelli

Wow! Is Christmas Over Already???

So when I last posted to this little blog last the warm glow of the Christmas season had engulfed the world and visions of sugar plums were dancing in my head.  Everything was in perfect harmony, the planets were properly alligned, God was in His heaven, and all was good.

Then I got up one morning in January, shuffled over to my state-of-the-art Windows XP computer, attempted to log-in to my e-mail, and discovered the internet was gone.  I was very disappointed as I really liked the internet, but realized that my dad was correct when he told me that the internet was just a fad.  Apparently the internet had just fizzled-out in popularity and gone the way of hula-hoops, frisbees, and stereos with automatic record-changers.

I found an old copy of TVGuide and saw that the Phil Donahue talk show was scheduled next hour.  I now had plans for my morning, but decided first to call the phone company and make certain they were no longer charging me for internet service as there was no more internet.

I spoke to a very nice phone company rep who sounded like he was from Indiana, but when asked said he was in Kansas.  (Or maybe it was India, I don't remember).  This man was a genius.  After a few simple questions, we discovered two problems.  First, I had fallen asleep again in my blonde wig, thus the reason for my mental confusion.  Secondly, the internet was still in service.  It was my phone line that was causing the problems.

Now it was almost exactly one year ago that my phone line had failed previously.  I received no help from anyone and replaced it myself.  This time, I decided to do things differently.  I decided to consider ALL internet options and began doing research.

The fastest way to do research is on the internet, and since my access was gone, I was forced to use the public library.  Now I LOVE the public library.  I'm a big library supporter.  I think libraries are essential and a nice luxury every community should have.  But, the libraries are public, as opposed to my private internet access at home.  The computers at my library are out in the open, laid out on desktops, and anyone can see what you are doing on the computer just by walking past.  I'm extremely old-fashioned and easily embarassed.  The last time I used a public computer and something objectionable popped-up on the screen I almost broke a leg trying to shut everything down.

That means I was uncomfortable blogging and Tweeting about crossdressing.  I know many people, probably most people, would disagree with me on this, but I was raised this way and decades of such Puritan attitudes are difficult to overcome.  I think people should wear whatever they want to wear.  If you want to dress like a man, like a woman, or the Queen of Sheba you should have that right.  And I know that in this day and age children are already exposed to crossdressers (I was probably in my teens back in the stoneage when I first came across stories of other crossdressers), but I have chosen to not put the topics of crossdressing or transgenderism before others publicly.  I'm happy with my personal level of privacy.  People find my little blog by looking for it.  I do not purposely put my blog in front of strangers because I don't know what these strangers want.

I also did this because of the incorrect attitudes of many people.  There's nothing pornographic about my blog, yet crossdressing and transgenderism is often labeled as such by people who are ignorant.  Who wants to be accused of corrupting the morality of American youth?  I want wonderful things for American youth whether or not they are transgendered.

So am I being a total wimp and letting people shout me down?  Maybe.  I prefer to think of it as avoiding conflict and freely speaking where I can.  On the keyboard side of the computer screen, I felt conflicted.  On the other side of the computer screen, I felt free and bold.  I decided to wait until I had private internet access again to blog.  Besides, I like blogging in my PJs (male or female).

So I tried a few internet service providers that offered options other than DSL.  Internet service via smoke signals was reasonably priced, but slower than dial-up.  And after two days of YouTube delivered by the U.S. Postal Service, I was forced to move from my apartment for lack of space.  My new apartment has good phone wiring, and I am back on the internet.

Kelli

It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Wipeout!!!

Sorry for the lack of posts this past month.  Late summer activities and vacations and family and work and..., well, you get the idea, kept me plenty busy.  On top of that, I suffered a wipeout in my internet surfing.

I've been knocked off the internet before, but never with such a perfect storm that sent a tsunami-type wave that knocked me off my internet surfing board into a senseless drift of odd bytes and file fragments and onto a deserted island of no internet access. I spent a week marooned with no e-mail, no Twitter, no blogs, and no spam.  Actually, you can forget about the spam.  I can't stomach it and it's bad for my waistline anyways.

I made a rescue flag from my bikini top (okay, a small rescue flag), then sat down on the beach to work on my tan and watch for rescue boats.  The flag alone didn't help much.  I ended up having to frantically jump and down and wave my arms anytime a ship passed, but the first time I did so I got an immediate response.  Now I'm back in the civilized world and fully plugged into the world wide web.  Ooh, the new cat videos on YouTube I missed while gone!

Seriously, it was a 1-2 punch.  First I discovered I had no internet access.  I spent a couple of days checking the hardware and firewalls, then admitted defeat and phoned my DSL tech support.  Immediately, I got a pre-recorded message saying there was a problem with users anti-virus software.  The software was making everyone's computers so secure from internet viruses and hackers that the computers were now unable to connect to the internet.  That's very secure, but a bit ridiculous.  The fix was to un-install the anti-virus software and install the updated version.  I did so.  Once it was completed, I turned off the computer, grabbed my purse, and headed to work.

All day long at work I couldn't wait to get home and get back on the internet.  (Withdrawal symptoms?  Couldn't be!)  I work for an employer where nothing is secret, so I can't go near anything remotely TG or "questionable" on my work computers.  It's not that I work in a high security-type place, it's just that I have a super nosey and suspicious computer tech co-worker.  This guy set up an open Wi-Fi network strictly for employee use on their free time, and the first time I used it I found someone trying to hack into my personal computer.  Talk about "Big Brother"!

Anyway, I returned home, slipped into something more comfortable, hit the on button (on the computer, thank you very much!), logged onto the internet, and got nothing.  Zip!  Zero!  Zilch!  I spent the next day trying to connect to the internet.  This time I tried re-booting in safe mode and even bought a new ethernet connector.  Still nothing.  I decided to phone tech support again and did so the next day only to discover my telephone was dead.  My telephone is an old-fashioned land line but is connected to DSL.  After I had downloaded the new software and gone to work, we had heavy thunderstorms move through the area and knocked down the phone lines on my block.  Girl, did I feel stupid!!!

So now I'm back surfing the internet and trying hard to update my blog more often.  Also, in case I am ever hit by a tsunami again and forced to make a rescue flag, I am switching to one-piece internet-surfing-swimsuits.  Wait a minute... I just noticed a problem with that plan.

Kelli

Myra Breckinridge

Gore Vidal passed away this week.  He was a giant in the literary world and a fascinating man who knew a lot of fascinating people.  I don't read a lot of novels, but I did read Myra Breckinridge many years ago, and it spawned a family mystery that I have never solved.

Sometime back in the 1970s I was staying with relatives for the summer.  At the time I thought I was a young crossdresser (terms like "transgender" and "autogynephilia" hadn't been coined yet) and took every opportunity to dress in old clothes that I might find, read anything on the subject that might be in print (there was very little legit info in print back then), and hypnotically watch anything on television dealing with the subject (which was normally relegated to rare news stories about transexuals).  Yes, for the enlightenment of the younger ready, forty years ago mankind was basically an ignorant brute as evidenced by the polyster fashion of the day, but I digress....  I was staying with relatives for the summer and had the run of the house and the small town where we lived.

One afternoon I happened to go nosing through a closet full of old clothes and lots of "junk".  None of the clothes really caught my eye, but I found some old magazines and books that appeared interesting.  Once I had dug down into the middle of the stack, I discovered that sandwiched between reams of general family-targeted magazines were a couple of girlie magazines and a paperback copy of Myra Breckinridge.

I examined the girlie magazines first as I was most familiar with those.  They had the usual centerfolds and layouts of gorgeous nude women, but one item that both copies had in common was that they both had layouts of some hermaphrodites as well.  I was puzzled by this coincidence and mesmerized by these naked bodies that were both male and female.  I had never seen anything like that before.

Then I turned my attention to the book and began reading it.  To the best of my knowledge, I had never heard anything about this book or about the author, yet something drove me to read it.  The two magazines had been major important finds for me and a hunch told me this book was right up my alley as well.  Over the course of a week I sneaked reading chapters and stuck with the book to the very end (I didn't cheat and read the end first) where I was rewarded with the literary fulfillment of a major personal erotic fantasy -- Myra had been Myron, a male.  The thought of being able to overcome my problem of being male and becoming a beautiful woman like Myra (who would tell you herself that she was beautiful) made a huge impact on me.

Some time later, a question popped into my little brain.  Who was the owner of these books and magazines?  The owner was obviously a relative, yet they had been hidden away in a manner where only the owner would have access to them.  This owner might have been like me, wishing they had been born a woman.  Years later, I also realized that this person might have been a bit more lewd, being what is often termed a "tranny chaser".  Whatever the reason for this relative owning this material, I would have liked to have talked with them about it.  There are studies that suggest transgenderism is an inherited phenomenon.  Learning of this person's motives and passions would have been a treasure trove of info.

Unfortunately, this person was probably raised like I was to be ashamed and be silent of any deviation from the "norm".  If there is nothing wrong or sinful about the deviation, why be ashamed and silent?  I can fully understand why people might think my actions are odd (they are sometimes odd to me also), but odd does not equal wrong or sinful, and I've learned being ashamed and silent (for no good reason) not only hurts myself, but others who feel the same.

Kelli

Keepin' It Girly

I've got lots of secret girly reminders surrounding me on a daily basis.  For example, heaven help me if a stranger picks up my cell phone.  I currently have this cute gif as the wallpaper reminding myself to stop and smell the coffee.  Doing so en femme is even nicer.

My computer at home is equipped with a couple of desktops.  One features girly and transgender themes, the other is boring guy colors and designs.  My favorite Ranma 1/2 gif of Ranma being doused with cold water would probably invoke too many questions when the parson comes for a visit.  However, Windows "dessert" color theme screams generic guy computer.

Mom always told me to make certain to wear clean underwear in case you are involved in a traffic accident.  I'm not certain which would raise more questions -- being in an accident while wearing 2 day old underwear, or wearing satin pink heart panties trimmed in lace.  Either way, I prefer the second.

Sometimes my girlish ways are discovered.  I once had to visit a doctor and absent mindedly shaved my legs the night before.  The problem was an ingrown toenail.  I realized what I had done when the doctor asked me to remove my shoe and sock.  He examined my foot, noticed the lack of hair, and raised my pant leg.  Do you shave your legs? he asked.  I tried to act as confident as possible.  Of course I do.  Is there anything wrong?  The doctor assured me nothing was wrong and wrote a prescription.  Thank heavens I didn't need an injection in the rear.  I probably would have passed out and the doctor would have used my cell phone to call a friend to come get me.  See gif above....

Still, in all the years I've been doing this, I have yet to really been called out.  Keep it girly, friends.  It's better than any alternative out there.

Kelli

Vacation Time!

Merciful heavens!  Due to other people's vacations, I am in dire need of a vacation!  I feel bad for not updating my little blog in over a month, but it seems everyone at my place of employment decided to vacation in June.  That left little ol' me to fill-in and cover for all my fellow employees, working my fingers to the bone, all under the compassionate gaze of my slaver-driver boss.  I ended up with only bony fingers to show for my dedication, good work ethic, and honesty.  A pay raise is what I would have preferred, but in my line of work they don't give out pay raises for being a good employee.  On a side note, bright red nail polish seems to make your fingers look even bonier.


Now that we are in July and the middle of summer vacation season here in the states, I can't imagine a repeat of June, but you never know.  I'm almost afraid to ask for a week of vacation because of the possibility of denial of request.  I mean, the only reason they could deny my request is because they are expecting a repeat of June.  That would crush my spirit.  Did everyone get an extra week of vacation and I missed the memo?


I shouldn't complain too much about my job, referred to affectionately as "the salt mine".  Gender dysphoria has permeated all aspects of my life to one degree or so, and sometimes dreams and fantasy are mistakenly compared to reality.  Lots of people would say I have a very nice job, and when the facts are considered, they are correct.  But in my dreams, I would much rather be a runway model for the house of Chanel, and that job trumps most any male job imaginable.


I'll try to do better at blogging.  FYI I also enjoy Tweeting now and frequently retweet interesting items that can be found in the right-hand column of my blog.  I normally tweet or retweet several times a day, so if you see something interesting, please check back often.  I put a lot of time and effort into selecting the proper heels for Tweeting, so I take it pretty seriously.


Kelli

Introductory Androgyny 101

Had a chance run-in with an androgynous person the other day.  I had stopped at a fast food place and this person was working the cash register.  I was totally blown away with the mixed gender signals I got from this person.  This person had a completely androgynous name, and working in a fast food restaurant had a uni-sex uniform on.  Short hair framed a cute face, and a ponytail exited from under the back of the cap.  The voice was definitely masculine while body motion was very feminine.  Being a bit taller than myself, I glanced up, looking for more gender markers and decided I definitely saw feminine breasts under the knit pull-over shirt.  I was thoroughly confused by this person's gender, and that doesn't happen very often to me.


The incident got me to considering the subject of androgyny.  Speaking only for myself, when I'm in female mode, I always consider myself somewhat "girly-girly".  I enjoy projecting a female image.  It seemed to me that a bit of gender ambiguity might be both possible and permissible from time to time, so I've decided to start exploring this option as well.


Let's face reality.  I've got friends and co-workers that don't seem to share my enjoyment of high-heeled shoes.  Some uni-sex loafers might be a safer alternative.  Projecting a "100% male" image gets boring after awhile (and in my case that normally takes just a couple of minutes).


If that was you in the fast food restaurant, I'd love to hear from you.


Kelli