On Being Lara Croft

Time for a quick strange dream update....


I have an iGoogle homepage that I enjoy very much. I've got some fashion news gadgets, weather and e-mail gadgets, and some cute artwork gadgets to keep me informed and entertained. It has a calendar and a calculator (which is never used), and a love thought for the day. I don't change the gadgets very often, but the iGoogle page is customizable with various themes, and I like to change the theme from time to time.


My current theme is a Lara Croft theme. Lara is a character from the Tomb Raider video game series. I have never played any of the Tomb Raider games (a fact many younger readers find hard to believe), but I have seen many pictures of Lara. She is a knock-out of a woman who likes action and adventure and could easily kick my tail if I were to meet her in person. Beautiful, a state often identified as feminine, and tough, a state often identified as male, when combined in one person is certain to attract my eye every time.


Lately, I have not been sleeping well, and was extra tired when I went to bed last night. I dreamed last night that I was Lara Croft. Not being familiar with the various Tomb Raider storylines, the dream was mostly various action adventure scenes in which I, as Lara Croft, found myself racing cars, diving off boats, hang gliding, and such. I had a blast in the dream and awoke somewhat out of breath.


Some folks have criticized the Lara Croft character as being an imaginary character whose looks are unattainable for the average woman. The average woman is unable to attain Lara's beauty. The average woman is unable to have shapely legs like Lara. The average woman would find it difficult to daily manage life with a figure like Lara's body dimensions. I feel I can now safely say that I just spent a night as Lara Croft, and had no problem with my breasts getting in my way.


Kelli

Congratulations, Miss Angola!

I was riveted to the set last night, watching the Miss Universe pageant.  I know most guys like to leer at pretty girls, but I don't think most guys openly watch beauty pageants like I do.  I love the gowns, the way the clothes fit, their poise, and their hair and makeup.  Some folks might think I'm brave in admitting all this, but for the next several months when I watch television I'll be wearing my favorite Red Wings sweatshirt and waiting for the first octopus to be thrown on the rink.  It takes several months of hockey to balance out one night of beauty pageant viewing male/female wise.  Let's face it -- the Bible clearly endorses balance and temperance in our lives.


If I've mentioned this before, I apologize, but one year I watched the Miss U.S.A. pageant with an actual former beauty pageant contestant.  I won't give any specifics, but she had been a serious contestant in some major pageants.  Eventually, we got to discussing the individual contestants and the subject of "tricks of the trade" came up... like strategic use of tape so the clothes hug the body at just the right places, products you would never consider using as makeup, etc.  We had a great time and I have never forgotten that evening.


Later, it occurred to me that all women, to a lesser degree, try some of these "tricks" in their lives. Who hasn't dated a woman who wore a padded bra or met an acquaintance sans her makeup and mistaken her for a total stranger.  The "tricks" range from extreme like cosmetic surgery to minor like manicures and eye lashes.


Being transgendered, I like to think I have something of a dual outlook on the situation.  Part of me marvels that I have never complimented a woman on her eye lashes when out on a date, and part of me seriously envies those same lashes.  Being transgendered, I should take advantage of my meager knowledge of all things feminine and specifically compliment a woman on her outstanding eye lashes, yet the male side finds that as just too womanly a thing to know, and so I can never admit that I have the knowledge to compliment her on her handiwork.


Still later, it occurred to me that whenever I occassionally crossdress, I definitely use all the tricks of the trade that I can find.  Hairs are plucked, legs shaved, waist cinched, T&A padded, and Max Factor industrial-grade applied.  I probably go as crazy over preparations as many of those beauty pageant contestants.  The biggest difference is that they get to start as female.




Kelli

September 11, 2001

(John 11:35)  Jesus wept.

ftm notes

Saw some promotional video for Chaz Bono's appearance on Dancing With The Stars yesterday.  I must admit that I think Chaz makes for a very nice looking young man.  If I didn't know any better, I'd think he had been a man all his life.  I've seen him on a few talk shows lately as well and thought he made a very good representative of the transgender community.  His mother is obviously very proud of her child, and I think if he were still alive, Chaz's father would be equally proud.


I know ftm transsexuals are fewer in number than mtf transsexuals, but I have always felt it was easier for them to, for lack of a better term, to "pass".  Perhaps as a mtf transgendered person, I'm more critical when it comes to looking like a woman.  The few times I completely dress-up, I go all out for the most realistic female look possible, but always end up admitting that only surgery and hormones could ever come close to making me look the way I wish to look.  And I don't intend any harsh or critical remarks towards my tg girlfriends, but I often find myself thinking the same thing about them, like she might be able to pass if she didn't have such a big male nose, or her beer belly completely gives her away.  Think of it as "gay-dar", only for me it's "tg-dar", and that actually makes no sense.


I found Chaz's mannerisms completely in synch with his male personae, but was still surprised when I saw him dancing.  He seemed to be having a great time, and carried himself well as a man.  The idea occurred to me that dancing could be a wonderful way of developing feminine moves and mannerisms.  Chaz, as the man, gets to support his partner whenever she dips or twirls or jumps into the air.  If you ask me, the girl gets the toughest yet prettiest dance moves.  I'd try it in a heart beat, if only I could find a six-foot tall woman to dance with.


Anyway, I've never watched Dancing With The Stars, but I hope Chaz does well.  Perhaps I'll fantasize about being his dance partner.


Hmm... just reviewed my latest blog entries.  Where the heck was I in August?


Kelli

Fact Is Stranger Than Science Fiction

I've written before on being a casual fan of science fiction. What I find truly interesting and downright amazing is all the things that were labeled "science fiction" when I was a kid that have become science fact of today. For example, when I was younger (than what I am today), there was a television cartoon called The Jetsons about a futuristic family that had computers in their houses, robots, tv wrist watches, and flying cars. Today we have three out of four of those items, and that's not half bad. My poor old vehicle lies at the other end of the technology spectrum, closer to the Flintmobile as found on The Flintstones, but we can discuss autos on another forum....

It seems obvious that many transgendered people are also fans of science fiction. Lots of tv fiction found on the internet makes use of science fiction ideas and plot lines. I use to frequent sites like Fiction Mania where there were hundreds if not thousands of stories just in the sci-fi department. In these stories you could become a woman via a transporter malfunction, radioactive waste, a mad scientist's experiment, or falling through a rabbit hole into an alternate reality. I've got the legs for those Star Trek uniforms if I do say so myself.

Some major medical news was released this week that was immediately posted on several TG forums. The news sounded so incredible that for a moment I thought surely someone must have sent me a TG science fiction plot by mistake, but here is one of many news outlets reporting the story. In short, scientists have discovered that the reason we stay genetically male or female throughout life is because of a gene (duh!), but this gene can be turned on and off, and turning it off causes a body to begin developing as the opposite sex. Tests have only been conducted on mice, so the full effect of the changes is not yet known.

Having read lots of TG fiction, I'm hoping that through a little gene manipulation I can one day walk into a hospital looking like a guy and come out looking more like Marilyn Monroe. The reverse is also possible for women, although I don't think any woman who looks like Marilyn Monroe would walk into a hospital and come out looking like me. I have an ex-girlfriend who says that doctor would be sued for malpractice!

This is a fantastic blessing from the Good Lord and a great hope to all transgenders. I know from experience that even if this new technology can only effect minor changes, the results can be overwhelmingly positive for many. I'll be following this story closely.

Kelli

News In Passing

Sorry about the lack of updates lately. I don't update very often to begin with, but this past month, I actually had a good excuse.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had purged and rid my closet of almost all my female clothing. Well, the timing was perfect because shortly after I got a lead on a new apartment and moved. That was quite a few boxes of clothing I didn't have to move after all. The move was hard enough. A friend commented that all the physical work would help get me in shape. I think she was hoping for some bulge in my biceps or a broader chest. I wasn't interested in that kind of physical shape-up.

After that rigorous work-out, I went on vacation. TSA officers at the airport were actually friendly to me (I was in male mode). Must have been a bunch of rookies.

Spent a little time in Dallas, Texas. Was reminded of an ad I saw in the newspaper there many years ago for "nude transvestite strippers". I'm not sure how they accomplished that.

Watched satellite tv with a friend. While scrolling through the on-screen program menu, I saw several listings for what I assume was an infomercial entitled "Perkier Boobs". I'll be watching for that on my local tv station.

Noticed that I pretty much kept my autogynephilia feelings in check during the trip. This is surprising to me as airports are great places to people watch. I saw a few women I would love to emulate, but the feelings were certainly not as strong as they could have been.

Also noticed that I didn't have any dreams dealing with transgenderism during the trip. In previous trips, I have stayed with relatives and had some really bizarre dreams, including one I have written about before in which I was a woman preparing for bed when Mom walks into the room and asks me if I am gay. I can laugh about that dream now as everything was so bizarre in it. I mean, I'm not gay, and in the dream Mom didn't really seem to notice that I was a woman. Makes me wonder what Freud would have said.

I'm glad to be back home now where I can confidently surf the internet in my bikini. I'll kick up my heels in Dallas another time.

Kelli

PURGING

Today I took a short-cut working on my femme wardrobe and purged everything.

Now before anyone says What?! I can't believe you would do something like that! Don't you know purging never solves anything??? Let me explain.

There was a time in the not too distant past where I would have advised anyone to not purge their closet of their feminine finery. I had purged my closet of Kelli's clothes a couple of times in the past and had deeply regretted doing that. I have not done a complete purge in twenty years!

Since my last purge, I've learned about autogynephilia. I've learned that this term applies directly to me and have since learned a few things about myself that I didn't know 20 years ago. For example, I have never had the same strong desire to dress as a woman as have my crossdressing friends. I've enjoyed dressing as Kelli over the years, but if I did that once a month, I was happy. My friends would prefer to dress every week if not every day. I found this confusing as I thought we all had the same outlook and reasons for crossdressing. I began to think that even among crossdressers there was something odd about me (and there probably is, but that is a different story).

After studying various theories about autogynephilia, I felt these differences between myself and other crossdressers was okay because we actually were dressing for different reasons. The way I see it, crossdressers dress to externalize their feelings of femininity. My feelings of femininity are almost all internal, and those feelings don't change much whether I am wearing pants or skirts. I can't really call what I am about to say a fantasy as it happens every day in real life, but I often see myself as a woman trying to pass as a man. The average person sees a guy when they look at me, and I know that beneath the shirt and pants, the Hanes His Way underwear, and the sport talc deodorant, and despite what the biology textbooks say, I am 100% woman!

Another reason I purged is because my wardrobe was starting to look very out of date. Much of what I had was donated from a former girlfriend, and that too was many years ago. She had wonderful taste in clothes, but I decided it was time to start purchasing new items. I haven't seen anyone wear stirrup pants in quite awhile.

Still, while going through all the hangers, it was like a trip down memory lane. I came across a sweaterdress that I really liked that brought back quite a few memories. The first memory was that there was a time in the past when I was small and thin enough to actually wear a sweater dress. Second was the memory of that dress being the first dress my ex-girlfriend saw me wearing. I had a very small wardrobe back then and I had just told her about Kelli. She surprised me the next day by asking to see Kelli. I hadn't expected her to bring it up that soon, but ducked into the bathroom and tried to use all the tricks to look my best. I cinched my waist. I padded my hips, I double-checked my makeup. I made certain my boobs were straight. At last I tottered out in my 2.5 inch heels and my girlfriend seemed to be genuinely surprised. She told me that at first glance she thought I passed and had "one hell of a figure". It was on closer inspection that she soon saw I was male. Coming from her, I took all that as a great compliment.

All the blouses, skirts, slacks, jackets, and cute PJs are boxed and ready to be delivered to a local thrift store. For this purge, I am actually very happy and looking forward to building my new wardrobe. I hope the recipients are as happy with this wardrobe as I have been.

Kelli